Wednesday, February 9, 2011

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

I've lived in LA for over five years now and I've had many a celebrity sighting, but none as exciting as the person I saw last Friday night at "trendy hot spot" Red O. You ready for this?

I saw Brad Womack's British therapist! I wanted so badly to ask him if he had cured Brad and if America could expect The Bachelor to put a ring on some lucky girl's finger. But I lost my nerve. this episode, the ladies go to Costa Rica to spend more amazingly romantic good times with Brad. They arrive at this fancy hotel overlooking a volcano and find Brad waiting there for him. I find it incredibly creepy when they all greet Brad hello, it's like Big Love meets Baywatch.

Chantal gets super excited to get the first one on one date in this episode and I'm excited, because she's totes my favorite. She's pretty, wears too much blush, and could cut a bitch. What's not to love. Michelle is super pissed that Chantal gets another one on one date with Brad, but that's to be expected, because Michelle is CRAZY.

Brad and Chantal go zip lining. I have to say, this girl is playing all her cards right. Brad seems a little freaked out by the zip line, but she's totally into it--- and even when it starts raining she still laughs it all off. She's got the perfect girl act down pat. They zip line and then make out.

Candlelit dinner time. It's been less than 24 hours since I've seen this episode and I couldn't tell you what they talked about it if you put a gun to my head. Probably that they are falling for each other and that he makes her feel special and that this was the best day ever in the world. Then it starts to rain again and Brad and Chantal run off to his room for shelter.

This is where things get really cute. Chantal puts on Brad's shirt and looks all kinds of hot. You can practically hear him get an erection. They sit outside and have dessert and Chantal tells Brad how comfortable and real all this feels. Right about now, I start getting this sinking feeling in my stomach. Chantal is so cute and for some odd reason she really likes Brad...but I'm not getting that vibe from him. He's got that look on his face a guy gets right before they decide to never call you again. But...he gives her a rose. Yay. Huge sigh of relief!

Group date time. The girls and Brad have to rappel down a waterfall in the rain. Sticking with the theme of the show, Jackie from the NYC is super scared of heights and starts having a panic attack. Michelle, being the huge fucking beeotch that she is, totally makes fun of her and tells her to look down right before she has to rappel. Okay, yes, Jackie is taking the damsel in distress thing a little too far, but let's be real--- Michelle is satan.

But, to be fair, Michelle is pissed because she and Brad made a pact that they would never rappel down anything with anyone else after their one on one date where they rappelled down an office building together. Um, I don't know why I keep fighting the true love between Michelle and Brad. It seems their mutual stupidity means they are destined to be together.

Brad should know better though. Every time he's nice to Michelle, women in America plot his death. But no. He and Michelle rappel down the waterfall together and all the girls seethe with jealousy.

Yay, the girls are in bikinis now! After all, is a group date really a group date if there are no bathing suits involved? Brad takes his shirt off and Michelle says something about wanting to fuck his brains out. This girl is trash. Let's take a moment to recognize the fact that she hasn't once said she misses her daughter or that it's hard to be away from her. Bad mother! I bet she beats her child with wire hangers.

Brad takes Jackie aside which she says---wait for it--- made her feel really special. I believe this is the catch phrase of this season. Brad tells Jackie he's proud of her and she calls him out on going down the waterfall with Michelle (after all, she was the one that was terrified.) Brad says he made a promise to Mich-HELL and he had to keep it. Ugh, I kind of want to slap Jackie, because if she really wants a rose you don't call men out on their bull shit and that what she should really do is get down in that water and give him head, stat.

Back at the house, Alli gets her first one on one date card and she gets way too excited when it says "Meet me at the altar." She tells Chantal that that's way better than the card having the word" love", because this is saying "marriage." Uh. I'm sorry, but I didn't realize Betty Draper was on this show. What year is this? Alli is pathetic.

Back at the group date, Michelle says that she doesn't see any of the girls with Brad and adds that she's not saying that to be a bitch. I don't think I've hated anyone on this franchise more than I've hated Michelle. This is Jake and Vienna all over again! If there's any justice in this world, Michelle will not get a rose.

Whoa, Brad and Emily get some alone time and she's got a hot body. I still want her to marry Chris L so they can make beautiful blond babies and look at rainbows together. Em tells Brad that she's really starting to like him and once again, I get confused. I just don't understand why any of these girls like this guy. He takes the word DUD to a whole new level.

Side note, but I'm not super team Emily like everyone else watching. Yes, I feel bad for her, but I don't get what possessed her to come on this show. I def don't buy it's to heal her broken heart.

Another side note, but I don't think I've said anything about the giant cross tattoo on Brad's back. Oh hell no. This is a deal breaker. He may as well have the word "douche" tattooed on his back.

The funniest moment of this episode has to be back at the house when Chantal and Alli see a beetle on the coffee table. Apparently, Alli is deathly afraid of insects and when Chantal brings the bug close to her, she literally throws her drink at her. Hilarious. But I'm about 99.9% certain the producers planted the insect on purpose to mess with the poor girl. This is like the motherfucking Truman Show.

Michelle and Brad get more alone time where she bitches about Chantal (who she clearly knows is her biggest competition). At this point, I'm tempted to pour acid into my eyes, because I'm so annoyed and disgusted that Brad is actually flirting with this girl. Can one guy really be this dumb??

Brad decides for some odd reason not to give anyone a rose that night. This is stupid, because it's clear there are people he'd want to keep around from this group, but at least the look on Michelle's face is priceless.

Brad arrives on a horse to pick Alli up on their date. I predict right about now that Alli is going to be sent home and that's why she got the one on one date in the first place. Every season at least one person needs to be sent home on a one on one and this season that person is Alli.
Plus, she's way too excited about this date and I just find her behavior totally offensive and embarrassing.

Brad and Alli arrive at a cave. Surprise Surprise, folks. There's insects and bats in here and Alli has a freak out and Brad has to calm her down. This whole sequence is totally annoying. Didn't ABC learn anything from the cave scenes in The Bachelorette? We can't see shit, it's all dark and boring in there.

Finally, the two of them arrive at an altar and drink cocktails. And then Sloth shows up and yells "hey, you guys" and the three of them go on a quest to track down Chester Copperpot. Wait, no. Sorry. That's Goonies.

Next, Brad and Alli have an equally boring dinner where she says something stupid about people who live in big cities, because she's got a chip on her shoulder from living in Columbus, OH. Brad tries to stay awake through this. Back at the house, all the girls agree that Brad isn't going to give her a rose. Oh no. Now I kind of feel bad for her. What's going to happen?? Is he going to send her home or not? The anticipation is killing me.

Brad officially gets the trophy for worst blow off-er. Get this. Alli tells him how she ended her last relationship of two years, because as much as she tried, every time she imagined her wedding, she couldn't see her boyfriend standing there at the altar. And then Brad, no joke, basically tells her that's how he feels about her and sends her home.

The International Man of Mystery arrives at the house and takes Alli's suitcases away. The girls are stunned. In the back of the car, Alli cries and says she's going to miss Brad a lot. Um, you had like three conversations with him all season. Pull yourself together!!

Then, believe it or not, Michelle randomly shows up at Brad's place to say hi. Being the savvy viewer that I am, I feel like this is kind of staged. Brad is definitely shocked, but there's a crew in his room...unless they were taping some post-date interviews that never aired, the producers def knew Michelle was going to go all psycho and show up. I'm willing to bet there's also a clause that says Brad can't spend any alone time with a girl off camera until the overnight dates.

Brad's a little freaked out by Michelle's stalker tendencies, but he's still being WAY too nice to her. I want him to call her a psycho and then attack her with an ice pick, but instead they just cuddle. Michelle says that she thinks it's going to be between her and Dr. Ashley in the finale--- which supports my hypothesis that Ashley is going to get the final rose. I know we didn't see much of the two of them together in this episode, but clearly Michelle senses their chemistry too.

CUT TO the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Brad has the same exact conversation with Emily he's had a million times. He takes Michelle aside again and basically tells her (in the nicest way possible) that she's a psycho bitch and Michelle breaks down in tears and he comforts her. The girl is hard core. She has him wrapped around her little finger!

Meanwhile, the girls realize that Michelle secretly saw Brad after the group date and they confront her. She admits she did and they are all PISSED. I cannot wait to see someone take this girl down!

Chantal tells Brad that she loves him. Ugh, it's way too soon for her to say this, but being the super genius that she is--- she tells him how she feels on a night where she already has a rose, because she doesn't want Brad to think she has ulterior motives. Brad asks her why she thinks she's in love and she actually gives him a really good answer (something about how she cares about him more than herself now. Okay, never mind, that's kind of desperate--- but it sounded good at the time.)

Either way, Chantal is definitely the smartest girl here and even though I don't think she'll get Brad at the end, she may have just surpassed Emily as the front runner for the next season of The Bachelorette. P.S. I'm sad that she told Brad she loved him when she was wearing the world's ugliest dress ever. We're talking straight off the rack at TJ Maxx and onto the Jersey Shore ugly.

Holy shit! Where did Chris Harrison come from and why is he there??? It must be rose ceremony time. Brad kicks things off by telling the girls that he normally rehearses what he's going to say (i.e. the producers write his lines for him) but tonight he's off the cuff. Okay. Whatever.

It's pretty obvious that either Jackie or Britt is going home. Britt gets a rose and I'm kind of confused. She looks like an anorexic teen barbie. There's one rose left and it's between Michelle and Jackie. We all know that Michelle isn't going to get the boot this early and Jackie is sent home.

I had high hopes for Jackie and Brad when they had their one on one date at the Hollywood Bowl, but I think she might be a little too normal and classy for him. And even though she says some dumb things during her "exit interview" she doesn't cry--- and that's all that matters.

I'm hoping the only reason Michelle is still around is either A. the producers know she's ratings gold and have told Brad to be nice to her and keep her around. OR B. Brad wants to fuck her.

If he actually likes the girl and I have to see her annoying face for the next however many episodes, I'm going to lose all faith in love and everything that's real in this world.

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