Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 7 recap

Now that we're on the 7th episode, this show has officially taken 14 hours of my life away. But despite that, I still paid $3.95 for an Us Weekly so I could spend another 15 minutes reading all about Brad's double life. You know what I learned from Brad's ex-girlfriend? That he's a douche. SHOCKER.

Anyway, this episode begins with the girls arriving in beautiful Anguilla. Chris Harrison's avatar arrives to once again explain the rules of the show. This week, there will be three one on one dates and one group date. No roses on the one on one dates, but there will be a rose on the group date. Drama with a capital D. Perfect little blond Emily gets the first one on one date.

Britt, meanwhile, is practically shitting herself, because she hasn't had a one on one with Brad yet and they need to have at least one conversation before she can take him home to meet her parents.

Brad and Em go on a helicopter ride to their own private island. I swear, this show is keeping the helicopter industry in business. Part of me wants just one helicopter crash (where everyone survives of course) to make these stupid scenes a little more interesting.

Side note, I love how Emily tells Brad that he always does too much on their dates, as though he's the one that chartered the helicopter. I hope these bitches realize that if they end up with the final rose, after the show is over their dates are going to consist of dinners at Outback Steakhouse followed by a Two and a Half Men marathon.

At their very own private island, Brad and Emily drink booze and talk about how much they like each other. Uh oh. I think Brad is actually really into her. She might be our new front runner.

Later, Brad and Em eat dinner. How the hell do they still have anything to talk about? And why is every conversation about how they want to get married, etc. etc. Can't they just talk about movies and Lindsay Lohan like normal people?? Brad asks Emily whether she'll introduce him to her daughter if he gets a hometown date, because it's really important for him to meet little Ricki. Em says she's not sure and that she has to think about it.

My first instinct is to respect her answer, because you know if he asked Michelle the same thing she'd tell him she'd already drawn up adoption papers...but then I decide not to be fooled by Emily's perfect white teeth and glowing orange complexion. Leaving your daughter behind for weeks to go on The Bachelor is kind of a bad mommy move. I know what you're thinking--- but Saaara, Emily wants to find love and doesn't she deserve to do something for herself? NO. If Em wants to find love, she can start an OK Cupid account and if she wants to do something for herself she can take a pottery class. Not compete against 25 other women for the heart of Forrest Gump on National Television. Ricky in the sky would not be cool with this.

Brad, being the rebel that he is, breaks all the rules and tells Emily she's definitely going to get a rose at the rose ceremony and he's going to go home to meet her family. AKA, you best make a decision now about little Ricki so the producers can get all the releases signed for her to appear on camera.

Shawntel gets the next one on one date and she's SO excited, even though Britt is slitting her own wrist on the couch next to her. But Shawntel says she's not going to worry about the other girls, she's just going to focus on Brad.

Shawntel and Brad go on a bike ride to the Farmer's Market and here's how I know I'd never be a good contestant on the show. I'd be like, where's my helmet, yo? And get me some training wheels, stat!

Once they arrive at the Farmer's Market, Shawntel says that this is her dream date and she can't believe Brad knew. Um, let me guess, when you get on this show the producers have you answer a questionnaire and one of the questions include: what's your idea of a dream date?

Shawntel is scoring some major points here. She's totally playing the fun/carefree card to the hilt. She jump ropes. She plays dominoes. She talks to black people. She's amazing!

That night, Brad and Shawntel have dinner and talk about their families for basically the first time ever. Brad almost faints when he hears that Shawntel is close to her dad. He's so not cool with this. That's why he loves Ashley H so much. People from broken homes love other people from broken homes. Then, Shawntel tells Brad that he's going to fall in love with Chico. What is this girl smoking? That's like someone saying you're going to fall in love with Fresno. Actually, I have no idea. I have never been to Chico. I'm sure it's lovely.

Then some random Island man singer who is supposedly like the most famous person ever in Anguilla plays a concert. But for whatever reason, it's not their own private concert. Random extras and island people show up to dance around.

Back at the house, Britt learns that she's getting the next one on one date and she shits a rainbow. I have to say, the best line of this episode is when Michelle says that she doesn't think Brad would even friend Britt on Facebook. BURN!

Brad surprises Britt by picking her up in a yacht. I was kind of hoping for a helicopter yacht, but oh well. I zone out when these two are on screen together, because I'm too distracted thinking that I want to force feed Britt. This girl is way too skinny.

Sticking to the fear factor theme of the season, Brad and Britt go cliff jumping. She's scared shitless, but she knows if she doesn't dive off that cliff, her chances of getting a rose are OVER. So, she jumps. Um, one of these girls is going to seriously kill themselves trying to win over Womack's heart.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. Ashley, Michelle, and Chantal are all going on a date together. They all whine about it like a group date is the equivalent of getting gassed at a concentration camp.

Back on the yacht, Britt and Brad are super awkward together. They have nothing to talk about over dinner and Brad goes rogue again when he tells Britt that he's not into her and she's not getting a rose.

Poor Britt actually tries to convince him to give her more time. Why is she trying to persuade this guy to meet her family. They don't even know each other! I'm also not into Brad's cruel to be kind method of BLOW OFFs. Why couldn't he just play it cool and ditch her at the rose ceremony? At least the girl would get another day to relax at the pool in Anguilla. Instead, he dumps he and sends her off on a raft where she has to go home and pack her bags in front of all the other girls. This is a dick move.

The group date begins with Brad waking up the ladies at the crack of dawn. They find out they are going to do a Sports Illustrated photo shoot for the Swimsuit Issue. Michelle is like, this is in the bag bitches. I've modeled in the past. By modeled, she means working the runway at her local Burlington Coat Factory.

Then, something really bad happens. Chantal and Ashley H agree to take their tops off during the shoot. Why would they do this to themselves? I'm especially disappointed in Chantal, because she's my favorite and I thought she was smarter than that. It is kind of funny that they have to put a black bar over her boobies cause they are so big. But seriously, going topless was way overboard. Plus, it's forcing me to respect Michelle for keeping her top on and I don't want to respect the vagina monster!

But then Michelle dry humps Brad on the beach and I once again lose all respect. Chantal and Ashley H get super jealous about it.

Brad and Ashley have some alone time. I don't understand why Brad likes Ashley. She's not cute and acts like she's twelve. Well, I guess that's my answer. Makes sense since Brad has the IQ of an eight year old.

Then, Chantal and Brad get some alone time and she's just making herself way too available to him. I think it was a mistake for her to say the L word so quickly. Brad is def closed off with her and now I'm starting to get anxious because I'm worried Chantal won't get a rose and I like her the best. Wait. I can't deal with Brad Womack. I shouldn't want my fave girl to end up with him. I should be rooting for her to not get a rose!

Next, Brad and Michelle get some alone time and he calls her out on being a crazy bitch. I love how he never asks her about meeting her daughter if he goes to her hometown. At this point, I have no idea who Brad's going to pick in the rose ceremony. I'm so confused. He's a master manipulator!

Brad takes Ashley aside and gives her the rose. She keeps calling him baby and it makes me want to make an Ashley voodoo doll and pee on it and then pull out it's fake voodoo doll hair extensions. He's giving her a rose, because she doesn't have a dad either, obvi! Chantal and Michelle are pissed they didn't get a rose. Chantal starts crying and Brad is forced to comfort her. Now, according to Brad's ex-girlfriend in Us Weekly, he hates it when girls cry. Wrong move, Chantal. Wrong move! She tells him that if he can't pick her out of three girls, then he should just send her home. Brad's like, stop crying or I will whoop your ass.

I feel bad for Chantal. I think she's the only girl on this show that genuinely likes Brad and I don't think he's into her.

Cocktail party time. Brad tells Chris his mind is made up and he doesn't want to waste time hanging out with weepy ass bitches. Chris tries to convince him not to skip the cocktail party (AKA we need the footage, Forrest!)

The suspense is KILLING ME. I think Chantal's going home and I'm sad, because she's pretty.

Chris Harrison has worked extra hard this episode. Not only did he have to make an appearance at the beginning of the show, but he had to talk to Brad, then talk to the girls, then run the rose ceremony. Harrison tells the ladies that there will be no cocktail party.

This is where I'd be like--- say what? No cocktails? Fuck this!

Pre-rose ceremony, Michelle does an on camera interview and starts to cry because she doesn't want to be sent home where she has to go back to being a mom again and take care of her little snotty brat. Hell no!

But she doesn't get her wish. Michelle is sent packing! YAY, ding dong the bitch is gone! Brad tries to hold her hand as he walks her out, but she won't let him. In the limo, Michelle doesn't say one word and lies down, so she won't be on camera. Uh, lady, there's a zoom out function. We can still see you.

Don't be fooled. Michelle isn't going out quietly. She'll be back with an ice pick and a black eye, for sure.


  1. Did you know that I just found out my roommate is an acquaintance of Brad Womack? I hesitate to say "friends", but she's been out with him a couple of times on double dates, because her brother is friends with him. She actually says he's a really good, nice guy. I still can't stand a show where the girls wait hand and foot on the whims of a guy... sorry.

  2. OMG, are you telling me we have a Womack connection? That is so awesome. And I secretly do kind of like him, even though he has a terrible tattoo and no personality.