Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 8 recap

One of my favorite things about The Bachelor franchise: hometown date night! This is when the girls take home a guy they barely know to their families, tell their parents they are madly in love with him, and pretend he's not dating three other girls at the same time. Sounds like my entire dating history. Totally. Kidding. Or am I?

The episode kicks off in the NYC. Brad, wearing a girly page boy cap, stands on a balcony and reminisces about his four ladies. We get a way too long flashback sequence of the whole season thus far, which is just further proof that this show does NOT need to be two hours long.

Stand outs about this sequence. Brad doesn't like that Chantal cries and has emotions. He's not down with that. I get it. Boys think girls that cry are mentally unstable bipolar messes who will definitely have post partum depression and stick their babies in the dishwasher. Ashley, I think is the front runner. She's bubbly and easy and freaks out just enough to stroke Brad's ego. Shawntel's basic selling point is that she can ride a bike. My money's on her not getting a rose tonight. Emily's hot and her boobs look great in a bikini, but her fiance died tragically and she's not sure if she wants to introduce Brad to her daughter. There. You're all caught up.

First stop. Seattle. Of course, my fave girl Chantal lives in the best city. But, why oh why, does she have terrible style? A shiny black button down with an ugly floral red scarf? This outfit is not okay. And why is she looking more orange than usual? She's breaking my heart.

Brad and Chantal go to her cute little house where Brad meets her two cats and a dog. Turn off. Everyone knows guys are scared of girls who live alone with pets. Then she starts talking about how her pets have to come to Austin with her and Brad gets all kinds of uncomfortable. I feel like this guy is giving off serious "he's just not that into her" vibes. Am I wrong here?

Holy crap. Chantal's parents live in a mansion! And it looks just like The Bachelor pad. They all seem perfectly nice even though their style is super tacky and Chantal's mom is seriously channeling Tammy Faye Baker's look.

Her dad seems to be lacking in the personality department just like Brad. They bond over how awesome it is that they used to be poor, but now they're rich. Chantal's dad shows him a super gaudy statue of a guy carving himself out of marble and Brad pretends to understand the symbolism. These two are totally besties. I think ABC should give them their own reality show and call it Brad and Dad.

Chantal cries to her mom about falling in love with Brad. Jesus, Chanty. Pull yourself together and stop crying in front of Brad. He'll beat the tears out of you!

Actually, I have to admit. Seeing Brad with Chantal's family is kind of sweet. He definitely has a southern gentleman side to him and I can kind of respect that. I might have to make my F word start speaking extra slow and with a southern accent.

Next stop Madawasca, Maine. Where? Exactly. It's so obvi that Brad loves Ashley H. He's slightly less stiff with her (not that kind of stiff, you dirty dirty readers!) I decide to take a shot of tequila for every time Ashley H says the words "cuuuuuute" and "like" and then I realize that those are the two words in the English language I use the most, next to "OMG." I decide to never say any of those three words ever again.

Ashley introduces Brad to her favorite food, Pootang. I mean Poutine. Fries with gravy. Duh. Apparently, people in Madawasca speak French. Brad tries to be all into it, but accidentally says Si to the waitress instead of Oui. He's mortified, as he should be. Then, a feather floats through the air and Brad chases it. Oops, no. That's Forrest Gump.

Brad and Ashley pick up lobster and head over to her parent's house. It becomes pretty apparent that Ashley's family will probably win the best fam award this episode. They are sweet and warm and laugh a lot. And I love the way Ashley and her sister gush over each other. I am such a sucker for sisterly love.

Her sis is just as annoyingly peppy as she is, but it turns out she's this tattooed hipster. Who knew! I want her to be the next Bachelorette!

Oh, no. Now, I'm starting to fall for Ashley, because she's the only one of the girls that doesn't say she's in love with Brad and even admits she'd turn down a marriage proposal if he popped the question right then and there. Smart girl. Everyone knows guys like a challenge.

Brad has some one on one time with Ashley's stepdad and is it just me or is he kind of hot in a
rugged older man sort of way? And then something crazy happens. Ashley's dad reveals that she's not really a dentist. She's just in school to be a dentist. What a scam! I've been calling her Dr. Ashley all this time and she's really just a dental student. Lame. Brad starts worrying that he'll hold Ashley back and she won't be able to realize her dreams as a tooth janitor.

I love how Ashley's mom tells her she's loved ALL of Ashley's boyfriends. Is Ashley a slut? My parents have met two of my boyfriends. The one that took me to prom and the one I'm marrying. I need more boyfriends. I want to be the next bachelorette. PLEASE ABC. I've got charm, wit, and I'm willing to go orange!

Next stop Chico. This is where the show suddenly turns into an episode of Six Feet Under. We get to watch the most awesomely awkward commercial for Shawntel's funeral home. Amazing. See below. Brad and Shawntel take a trip through the funeral home. I start having a panic attack and roll around on the living room floor crying and yelling "i'm too young to die." Womack and I have something in common: we don't handle death well.

Brad is definitely weirded out by the whole thing, but he tries to be a good sport and lays on the embalming table. Hmmmm. I think he's really nervous, because he's worried Shawntel will discover he's not human and was put together by a mad scientist. And that his real name is Frank N. Stine. What do you want from me? You try writing these recaps every week!

I don't know if the producers are feeding him lines, but I have to admit, for a dummy, Brad's asking all the right questions about these girls. He wonders if he can handle spending the rest of his life with Shawntel and having daily conversations about her job--- like how did tonight's blood draining go? Um. Pass. Whoa. I'm totally relating to Brad all of a sudden and I think...no, I know....I'm falling in love with him.

Shawntel brings Brad home to meet her folks and they are all slightly off. And her dad is totally pissed that The Bachelor fucked with his retirement plans and might take Shawntel away when she's supposed to be taking over the family business. He then guilt trips her about hot tubbing all day and all night while her high school teacher couldn't cope with the death of her son and needed her. I don't like Shawntel's dad. The guy needs to keep his eye on the big picture. If Shawntel can make it to the final two, she could be the next Bachelorette and make bank.

What is up with the freaky drawing of Shawntel and her sister's on her parent's wall? Homes that have those kinds of drawing are usually the ones with sex slaves in the basement.

Genius idea: Shawntel should marry Kirk from Ali's season (remember, the guy who almost died of mold?) His dad was totally into taxidermy and he got booted after the hometown dates. They'd be perfect for each other! Make it happen ABC.

Shawntel tells Brad she's in love with him and I feel kind of bad, because I'm 99.9% sure she's getting the boot.

Next stop. Charlotte, NC. OMG. (Yeah, I said it.) Four hometown dates is serious overkill! Emily has a fake reunion with her daughter on camera. Am I really supposed to believe that in the last few days that Brad's been taping segments in Seattle, Madawhatever, and Chico--- Emily's been sequestered from her daughter? What do I look like ABC?

I'm pissed that Emily A) agreed to introduce her daughter to a man for the first time after barely knowing Brad and B) is doing it on camera. Little Ricki is acting all kinds of autistic in front of Brad and the cameras. I don't get it. Brad and her have the same IQ. They should be besties.

And then, little Ricki starts being nice to him. Hold up! The promos made it look like she hates Brad and goes all Omen and tries to murder him. What a fake out.

Damn. Emily has a nice house. I think her dead fiance's parents bank roll her life. How come there's no other family members for her to introduce to Brad? Let me guess. They're all pissed that she's introducing this interloper to Little Ricki! The little one goes to sleep and Em's all excited to dry hump Brad.

BUT he tells her he can't kiss her cause her daughter's upstairs. Prude. Em is pissed. Hello, Brad. She's a horny lonely widow. She needs an orgasm like Ashley H needs eyebrows. Throw her a bone. (yeah, that kind of bone. wassup?) After an awkward debate about whether they should kiss, they finally tongue each other.

Rose ceremony time! Chris Harrison makes his first and only appearance on the show and takes us through a totally pointless recap of the episode we just watched. Brad starts handing out roses and Chantal officially loses her place as my fave, because of her insanely unflattering red satin dress and terrible hairdo circa prom 1994.

That said, I'm still relieved that she gets a rose and Shawntel is sent home. She cries and says things that confuse me like Brad is perfect and she'll never find someone else that will treat her like a princess. WTF. It's like before Brad these girls had been dating rapists, pedophiles, and John Mayer.

Next week, the final three go to South Africa. Lucky bitches.

Way back in episode 5 I wrongly predicted that Shawntel, Chantal, and Ashley would be in the final three. I figured Brad would have a freak out over Emily's sad life and let her go early. But I also guessed Chantal and Ashley H would be the bottom two, with Ashley H snagging the final rose. I stand by my Ashley H guess, but it's toss up between Em and Chantal.

Anybody want to make a guess? Comment below!

5 comments:

  1. Pretty spot-on, on all points, Sara! The irony of all of this is that while Brad looked so uncomfortable when all the girls chanted "I'm in love with you," (cue tears) the only girl who wouldn't say it was the one he's into most.

    The Bachelor is SO Real Life!

    Thing is, I really don't think Ashley is into Brad at all. I predict he'll choose her in the end, but then they'll be on the cover of US Weekly in a few months, announcing their tragic divorce and how Ashley was secretly humping another dentist school student. Such is life.

    Shawntel's father--super creepy. That commercial is right out of a bad SNL skit!

    xxk

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  2. None of these girls are asking questions about Brad and trying to get to know him, even if this is his second turn on the show. Brad has been anointed as this perfect person and the girls are lucky to be in his presence. This happens every season. The girls compete for the Bachelor's affection, or even attention, and then they're let down at the end when they realize they have to move halfway across the country to start a real relationship with the guy. Don't get me wrong, I love this show, but it's totally stupid.

    Now that the only conflict in the show (Michelle) is gone, I don't really care who wins. There is nothing going on right now that makes me want to keep watching. What this show needs is a shark tank. Once a girl (or guy) is eliminated, a trap door is opened and the loser falls into a shark tank where they squirm as the credits roll. American Idol can copy this idea too. Who wouldn't watch this? Especially when a controversial person is eliminated. No one has to die. There don't even need to be real sharks involved. I just think a trap door and some sharks would be entertaining. You may think I'm crazy, but you can't tell me you wouldn't watch this. Half the people go on this show to boost their self image anyway, so it would be a nice dose of reality.

    With that, I'm picking Emily. Chantel is dumb and Ashley doesn't know what she wants. I agree with Kayoko on Ashley. Emily is blond, hot and loves country music, which is the trifecta for a bachelor from Texas.

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  3. Brashley will definitely break up within months of the season finale. It's pretty much guaranteed. I love that the one couple that resulted in marriage and babies was from a season of The Bachelorette. I think Ash does heart Brad though. She's had a couple freak outs over him. And she calls him Babe. That's love.

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  4. PS I'm so into the shark tank idea @jacobus.

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  5. Real sharks, @jacobus. Real sharks.

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