Thursday, February 10, 2011

Silicon Valley Bachelor (SVB): ten signs you're getting played

I wouldn't say I'm a player, but the fact that I haven't had someone I've called a girlfriend since 2005, would lead some people to believe that I'm monogamistically-challenged. Back when the word "player" was in heavy usage (circa 1997), I was most definitely a bonafide mack daddy (see above pic at my cousin's high school graduation. Most people wore shirts and ties - not this playa!). Since then, I have just been searching for the "right one." And until I find that "right one," I am just going to have to "date" numerous women. Plus, if I suddenly became attached, my blog would have to be renamed Silicon Valley (that domains taken), or worse yet, Silicon Valley Boyfriend. How boring would that blog be?

So, okay. I used to be a player, but I'm not anymore. In high school, they used to call me "Cap'n Save-a-Ho." No joke. Because I would do gentlemanly things, like let a girl go before me, open doors, stand when she left the table, pay the bill, and.... don't be alarmed, listen and care what a woman said. Today, I just treat girls I'm mildly interested in with indifference. Which, oddly, works just as well as any game I might have pulled in the past. And girls that I think MAY have potential? I prefer to treat those women with class. I get them and myself highly intoxicated, black-out, and hope that I wake up as the big spoon.

Recently, I had a gal try and play me with some of the same lines that I used to use. I knew every one of her moves two steps before she made them. Save it for someone else besides the SVB. The difference between me and other "players" is that I actually have a heavy heart and a genuine sense of remorse. That's why I don't do it anymore.

Allow me to dust off my captain cape and give you a few tips on things that a player does. Learn from them... and if it still doesn't sink in? Why don't you come over to my house for a drink some time...

1. Players will tell you they want to introduce you to his/her parents to get the show moving. Most women fall for this line and see it as "future jackpot," when it should be seen as "I'll believe it when I see it." This is a line I used to pull off with regularity and would do the trick every time. Would they ever meet my parents? Most likely not. But at that point, their inhibitions have been lowered.

2. Players will say after a funny moment or a cheers, "I'm so grateful you're in my life," or "you're amazing." They're often used to fill dead space, when really they're awkward comments. In fact, they are basically true, but mean nothing and can be repeated to a common friend.

3. Players, too early in the relationship, will use the words, "babe," "sweetheart," "honey," and a number of other monikers, to make you feel that there is a level of comfort and security. Once again, lowering your guard.

4. Players NEVER allow themselves to be photographed in a romantically-compromising picture with someone. This will instantly kill off any prospects with interested girls who do occasionally stalk guy's Facebook profiles. A gal will tag a guy in a pic, just to see if they untag themselves.

5. Players will NEVER post anything sweet or lovey on an interest's wall. That will invite a reciprocating post from the interest that will doom a status as "single." Players will relegate their gestures to text messages.

6. Players will text you, just when you're ready to give up on them.

7. Players won't ever really take you out on a real date. They'll text you to come meet up for drinks at a certain location on short notice, just to see if you're interested. If you come, you're doing yourself a disservice. Get that dinner. Or planned ahead one-on-one drinks. If he's not ready to spring for it, he really doesn't care about you that much.

8. Players will text you early in the courtship process at 1am, 2am, 3am and on, after a night of partying, just because they want to get some action. If they really liked you and respected you, they wouldn't ruin it by a drunken booty-call text message. Don't respond. No one that I genuinely wanted to turn into something more has received a drunken text from me (during the early stages of dating... Afterwards, it's like an everyday occurrence).

9. Players are always extremely busy. They say they have an amazing array of things going on, because, in reality, they need to find time for their other women. If he likes you, he will make time.

10. Players will rarely ever call you to just chat. Every call or text for a player has to have the insinuation of meeting up in the near future. You should wait for calls and messages that just want to know how you are and how your day went.

If you want to find someone real, look for someone with some vulnerability in their answers. When you ask them questions, they don't sound like they've reeled off the exact same answers a thousand other times in their lives. Smooth is not a substitute for substance. I should know - In the world of love, I've lived a life full of empty promises, short on value. I make amends, one day at a time. Do yourselves a favor and don't get played.

At this point in my life, I really wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. I kind of miss the comforts of a relationship. And I think the fact that every one of my Facebook pics has me holding an alcoholic beverage with my shirt off as scantily clad women hover, featured in exotic locales, that really tells a woman: "hey, this guy is a consummate, classy professional, who would be perfect to bring home to Mom." So ladies, email me at my professional email address: SVBachelor@gmail.com for more info on my relationship credentials.

Lastly, don't ever try and pull a game on me. I'm too good for that and it insults my intelligence. No ass is ever worth my integrity... unless I've had one or more drinks. At that point, I will dance like a clown, watch Jersey Shore, and listen to Ke$ha, if you wanted me to...

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB, formerly known as, Captain Save-a-Ho
*To read more of Kevin's dating exploits, check out his blog.

5 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! First of all, love the picture. really takes me back to the 90s and brands like cross colors. I've definitely been played a couple of times. If I knew then, what I know now I could have saved myself SO much time!

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  2. Was that 2005 girlfriend me??? I remember what we did in 05! ;)

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  3. hey, you introduced me to your parents many a time. AND you told me your mom thought I wasn't pretty enough for you AND she said I have no boobs. Your mom was a hard one to please I guess. And your Dad, he looked at me each time like I was someone he's never seen before in his life. But you, I know you just told me that stuff because you REALLY like me and thought I should be in the know. Just like all those times you told me "you have such a great personality," really made me feel that you were really into me. Player my ass!

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  4. Hahahahh, you dirty slut! It was November of 1996 and January of 2000 when we hooked up. And it was because of what you did to me with Steven Mahoney that made me distrust girls for the rest of my life!!!! Sadly, there may be a lot of truth in that...

    And as for my parents, my Mom just didn't like the fact that she came home one time and saw you jump off of me on the couch "like a monkey."

    My Dad, in the 2005 instance, tried to console me by telling me that "don't worry, she would've gotten fat after having a kid."

    Haha, you gotta love my folks...

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