Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Single Asian Female (SAF): Ode to the Nice Guys

My most recent blow off came in form of an epic, "Oops, I didn't tell you about my girlfriend?" This proved to be equal parts humiliating and laughable--being that this wasn't the first time I was blown off by the guy.

But I've only got myself to blame, right? It seems that I just can't get over my Type Matrix! This is an ongoing pattern: I meet a cute boy, my eyes glaze over, my knees turn to jello, I start to stutter--I'm a sucker for that sheepish charm. I would never suspect any deception. I have been, in a word, naive.

But this post isn't about those douche bags. I'm here to talk about all those nice boys who I never even gave a chance. This one's for them.

So I was hanging out with my brother and his friend Jason last month, and I inquired about their dating lives. Neither was seeing anyone, and Jason said, "Girls just aren't into nice guys."

It's such a cliche, and they both laughed it off--but this struck a chord with me. Was I one of these girls? I flipped through my mental dating history notes, and thought hard. BANG! It's true: I've blown off countless nice guys, just to get blown off by their completely unattainable, ineligible friend. Or coworker. Or brother.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Let's start with junior high. Matt, a tall lanky guy who wore a Primus tshirt every day, asked me out. He was the biggest sweetheart on the entire planet, and I thought I liked him so we went out (meaning we swayed to Stairway to Heaven at the dance, and we spoke on the phone for an hour every night). I then dumped him cause he was just too nice. I couldn't deal. Besides, I liked his friend, Mickey O.

I broke Matt's heart, but oh, Mickey O! A goofy, blue-eyed charmer, who was so complicated and emotionally unavailable! I ended up pining after Mickey for the next year, even after he started going out with some other girl. Matt was still in the background, waiting for me. I never spoke to either of them again after 8th grade.

Onward to college, when I became totally infatuated with my good friend Jay, who loved me as a friend. He threw a huge birthday party at his beachfront apartment our sophomore year, where I met his brother Nate who was visiting for the weekend. Nate and I hit it off immediately and ended up ditching the party (much to Jay's disapproving glare) and we hung out all night. Around 3am, he kissed me--but I was thinking about Jay the entire time. I quickly decided I didn't like him (he's way too nice! Besides, he's Jay's brother!) and I made him sleep on the couch. Nate continued to call me even after he left town, but I never gave him another thought. My love for Jay remained unrequited for the rest of our college days.

Now, on to 2002. I was a fresh California transplant in NYC working at a high-profile architecture firm (my very first job!). I met a nice boy, Tim, at the office Christmas party--he's an architect at the DC office and was totally ready for marriage the second I met him. He was smitten! We end up making out, and talked extensively over the phone for the following month or two. Tim was, hands down, one of the the nicest guys EVER--really sweet, considerate, a true gentleman.

But then one day, I decided that I didn't like him (as was to be predicted). So how did I alleviate this? I stopped picking up his phone calls. I could not deal with having the, "Sorry, let's just be friends," conversation, so I just let him leave message after excruciating message on my voicemail.

I am going to hell.

Fast forward a year later to the 2003 office Christmas party. I knew Tim would be there, and I avoided eye contact with him at all costs. Instead, I met Tim's coworker Al, who I fell for immediately (must have been all those tattoos and the way his hair waved off to one side). We end up making out at the party, for everyone to see--including Tim.

God, I am DEFINITELY going to hell.

Al may have turned into a long-term relationship, but it ended horribly and I haven't spoken to him in years. Payback's a bitch.

Lord knows that I have been blown off time after time, by boys who I should have never even been involved with in the first place. But the time has come to BLOW OFF these boys for good. Can I get an AMEN?

To all you Matts, Nates, and Tims of the world: Are you reading this? Will you forgive me?

I'm ready for you now.


  1. Thanks for being honest Kayoko, but seriously, you're right. You're definitely going to hell. Poor Tim...

  2. You broke Matt's heart and I was in love with him! I even wore his Stussy sweatshirt unwashed for weeks! Our friendship has never been the same since 1993!!

    PS: Nice guys blew other people off. . . its a cycle! Don't mess with it or else you'll end up settling for just a nice guy.

  3. I think we've all blown off nice people and been the "nice person" blown off at one time or another. it's the cycle of dating!

    Did you ever see this movie?

  4. I've played both hands. I definitely get WAY more girls pretending to be a bad boy, than pretending to be a nice guy. Being a nice guy, you gotta act all gentlemanly during the night and making a move is damn near impossible. When you're a bad boy, you just get sh*t-house drunk, and you grab the girl behind the neck when you darn-well feel like it and pull her in for an amazing spur of the moment kiss.

    I hope you're ready to be the aggressor with these nice guys....

  5. SVB, hold up, yo. I'm a nice guy, but it doesn't mean I'm a wuss. If you want to kiss a girl, you kiss her. Doesn't mean you can't be a gentleman, call her within a few days, etc. The problem is some girls (and guys) will only like you if they feel that you're not all that interested. That's the lame part. And that's where the douchebag asshole wins over the nice guy. It's also why we all wait a couple days before calling or play other lame games to not seem too interested.

  6. I think O. and SVB are both right.

    When it comes to relationships, girls want a nice guy with edge. there's no bigger turn off than a guy that makes himself too available. Guys that call right away, want to make plans really often, and act too boyfriendy right out of the gate end up seeming a little desperate and yes, "too nice."

    But I think once we're past the age of 25, we outgrow the blatant assholes and stop deluding ourselves into thinking we can tame them.

    A little bit of nice and a little bit of cocky/confidence/sarcasm = winning combination.

  7. Yeah, O, agreed. I think it's beneficial for guys, bad or nice, to go out on as many dates as possible with multiple women - even if you're really only sprung on one of them. It makes me not rush it with the girl I like or sound too "desperate" - as to what Saaara is saying. It's not that I'm playing games, but I don't have to call a girl worried the whole time about ending the conversation with asking her out again. I can just call and say what's up and at the end, say "talk to you later." Which probably has her thinking, "why didn't he ask me out again?"

  8. Ladies: Stay away from SVB... AT ALL COSTS!!!

  9. Oh common, he admits to watching Glee. How harmful could he be? ;)

  10. Did you guys watch the Glee version of Teenage Dream!?!? I've watched it about 100 times now. I'm not gay, but that lead singer sure is dreamy...

  11. confession: i can't get through an episode of glee anymore. everyone on the show annoys me.

  12. Hmmm, I don't know. I've only watched five of them. The five they allow you to watch on Hulu before having to subscribe. So maybe one day I will feel your pain...

  13. As usual, these very selfish women conclude that nice guys have blown off girls at some point.They just don't/won't get it that nice guys NEVER get the date and get out of the game completely. They work, volunteer for
    charity causes since they have all kinds of free time and you can keep insulting because
    you feel the need. You can't hold a candle to
    the wholesome qualities of a "nice guy"!

  14. for someone that claims to be a nice guy, your comment has a twinge of dick in it. The good news is, you'll probably start getting dates now.

  15. It has been speculated that this "Anonymous" was someone I once dated, and subsequently blew off, hence this bitter comment. I'd like to clarify this by stating that there's no way I would ever go out with someone with such poor grammar.