Monday, February 14, 2011

Top ten ways to get through Valentine's Day

Unhappy Valentine's Day everyone! I've been going back and forth all weekend on how the BLOW OFF should commemorate V-Day and came up empty. I re-read last year's post and realized one thing I said about Feb one-four still rings true for me: the day just makes single people feel bad (that is if you're not super psyched about being single)---and us non-singles feel guilty (that is if your a cool non single).

So, here are the top ten ways for all of us to survive this dreaded holiday.

10. If you're in a relationship, do not under any circumstances wish your sigother a happy VD on their Facebook wall. Public displays of affection do not fly today. For the record, try steering clear of FDA's (facebook displays of affection) for good. And yes, the blow off basically uses every top ten list to vent about how much we hate cheesy wall to walls.

9. If you're single, do not under any circumstances reach out to an ex to tell them you miss them. I don't care how fresh the wound of the BLOW OFF is, your life is not an eighties movie. Your ex will not show up outside your window with a boom box and a little Peter Gabriel.

8. If you're in a relationship. Stay in for the night. No one wants to see that shit out in public.

7. If you're single, avoid wearing red to work or doing something festive to pretend you are one of those rare single people that actually loves Valentine's Day. You're not fooling anyone.

6. If you're in a relationship, consider changing your status on Facebook to single for the day in solidarity. And also just to see what kind of shit show takes place in the comments section. It'll sort of be like when non-married celebrity couples say they won't get married until gay marriage is legalized. Couples shouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day until single people are extinct. Or something like that.

5. If you're single and straight, go homo. If you're single and gay, go hetero. Just for the day. Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.

4. If you're in a relationship, consider taking a single person under your wing for the day. And by under your wing I mean in the bedroom for a special Valentine's Day threesome. Like a foster couple. Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.

3. If you're single, go out on the town. One of my favorite Vdays was going to Chili's for dinner with my girl cousins. We were like, "Valentine's Day can suck it, bring on the fajitas and the awesome blossom." It was the greatest.

2. If you're in a relationship, don't go all overboard with getting each other presents. After all, this is a Hallmark holiday. The only acceptable and appropriate VD gift is a Sybian. (google it.)

1. Do not, under any circumstances, watch the movie Valentine's Day. If you're single or in a relationship. It's god awful. Instead, consider watching another light and fluffy romance like Silence of the Lambs (Clarice + Hannibal FOREVER) Or The Exorcist (Satan is SO dreamy) or Pretty Woman.

Finally, here's an anti-Valentine's Day mix to help make this day a little less annoying.






3 comments:

  1. Awesome cuz, this was hilarious.

    Here's a Valentine's day question to anyone who has an answer. Is it a little off to ask someone to meet for a first date on Valentine's Day? For the record, I set things up for tomorrow, because I thought it'd be too much, but was wondering whatever everyone else thought.

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  2. Btw, there should be a rule against posting in the comments section of the Blow Off on Valentine's Day.

    haha...

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  3. i think a vday first date is best to be avoided unless you laugh it off and make little mention of it throughout the date. good move waiting til the next day.

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