Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9 recap

Cue the Lion King music. In this week's episode, Brad and his three girlfriends go to South Africa to explore their relationships. This is the fantasy suite episode (my fave!) where all the girls get an overnight date with Brad--- which means--- she who gives the best head gets a rose.

The episode starts with more mindless footage of Brad packing his suitcase and no joke, standing on his balcony, again! Brad says he's scared, has trust issues, blah blah blah. Nobody cares.

Yet another recap of all three women that are left. Ashley. Chantal. Emily. FAST FORWARD. I just got back two minutes of my life.

The footage in South Africa is actually kind of cool. These people are so effing lucky to get to travel the world while on the world's douchiest reality show. Where do I sign up? I could do audio commentary for every episode!

Brad's first date is with Chantal. Which means she'll get a clean peen instead of one polluted by the two other girl's vaginas. I still heart Chantal, but her denim shorts are way too The Gap cirqa 1994. Brad and Chantal go on a safari. I have to say, they're really cute together. And they seem kind of giddy. This is a good sign. I can't believe the Jeep stops at a pack of lions and Brad doesn't get his face ripped off. Clearly, these animals are not as good at spotting a predator as I thought they were.

With the exception for my love of pugs, I'm not really an animal person. I'd be into the safari for like five minutes and then I'd start flipping through my Us Weekly. I've seen this shit. At Disneyland's Animal Kingdom.

Chantal takes her fear of hippos and rhinos and uses it as a metaphor for her relationship with Brad. It's official. These two are meant to be together. Brad says he misses Chantal's family. Um. Can we say bromance between Brad and Chantal's dad. That would be the most shocking finale in Bachelor history. Brad runs off with her papa!

I like that Chantal's not a stick and has meat on her bones, but I want to give her a wardrobe makeover. This weird tie-dyed Forever 21 dress has got to go. And it's actually the cutest thing she's worn all season. Brad tells Chantal he's the most comfortable around her. This is the first time where he actually seems super into her. Team Chantal!

Why does Chris Harrison have to be the one to invite them to have sex in the fantasy suite. It's so creepy. Chantal is all about it though. Uh, their fantasy suite is a tree house?! Oh hell no. You know Chantal is thinking that the things she wants to do with Brad cannot be done in a tree house! Plus, they're totally going to get bug bites.

Enough with the monkey and elephant shots. We get it. There's animals in Africa. hahaha. JK.
I heart animals. Animal rights! Vegans!

Emily and Brad time. Em's wearing a super cute safari outfit with cowboy boots. She needs to give Chantal some fashion tips. Stat. But her make up. She's so orange she looks like a basketball.

Bremily get on top of an elephant which is apparently Em's dream. Hmmm. If I was her, my dream would be getting my dead fiance back, but whatevs. I like how Emily says "ah" instead of "I." People with accents are weird. She kind of sounds like a girl Forrest Gump, which makes her perfect for Womack! Brad says he misses Emily's daughter. Lie. She asks him if he's ready for a five year old. He says yes and they make out. Another lie. Elephants start screaming in horror and the music swells to beyond cheesy levels.

The sun goes down. It's the nighttime portion of Brad and Emily's date. Em's wearing another cute outfit, if they were going clubbing on the Sunset Strip. I don't know. Brad's really awkward around her. A marriage between these two would never work, even if they both have some Gump in them. Emily is Bachelorette gold and that's why she's made it this far. Ugh. I get a little queasy when Brad starts rubbing Emily's hand. I feel like she's being molested.

Another card from Chris Harrison. I hope they made the bastard actually write the cards himself, because he has nothing else to do! Brad is really hoping Em says yes to the fantasy suite, so he can touch her boobies. Emily says that she's a mom and wants to set a good example for her daughter, but goes with him to the fantasy suite anyway. They get a super cozy pimped out suite that's not in a tree. Emily tells Brad that she's falling in love with him. OMG. He tells Emily that he's falling in love with her too. HOLD UP. He has not said that to anyone else on the show yet. This is a GAME CHANGER.

That said, I just don't understand how Emily could be in love with this guy after the epic romance she had with Ricky. Really? Its taken her six years and all she needed was going on a tacky reality show and competing against 24 other women for the affection of Womack? She's obviously not very intelligent.

Brashley time. I've decided to count how many time Ashley says "like" in this episode. Current "like" count: 3.

Brad says he has a few concerns about where Ashley is in her life. He takes her through the woods and once again I'm sorely disappointed when he doesn't murder her. They arrive at a clearing where there's a...HELICOPTER! What? Yes. A helicopter. Ashley squeals and runs away. Current "like" count: 6. Helicopters are apparently the thing she's most afraid of. Brad tells her not to worry, he's been in about 500 helicopters just over the course of this season. Current "like" count: 10.

Ashley totally spazzes out on the helicopter. A small but important reminder that she is one of the most annoying people in the entire world. Wow. South Africa is gorge! Current "like" count: 13.

The helicopter lands at a place called God's Window. I f only God would push Ashley out of it. They have a picnic and Brad makes a toast to her family, which is sweet. Oh, Brad. Such a gentleman. Brad asks Ashley where she wants to live and she says Maine which is dumb, because everyone knows Brad wants to stay in Austin. I think Kayoko was right, this girl is not into him. Current "like: count: 28. Brad tries to nicely tell Ashley that he doesn't want a career woman. Ashley, no joke, says "oh, man. You're making me think."

Okay. If I run into Michelle in a dark alley and we get into a sexy cat fight and she knocks out all my teeth: I repeat, I do not want Ashley to be my dentist. I'll probably wake up with veneers on my vagina.

Ash says her conversation with Brad was a huge wake up call. I'm confused. If she's so focused on school why did she come on this show? And why haven't they talked about this shit already? and are they still going to bone??

Dinner time. Brad and Ashley have another state of the union address. Ashley knows she shot herself in the foot and tries to convince Brad that she wants his babies. Brad tells Ashley that when he asked her where she wanted to live, she never mentioned Austin. Ashley said "well, I've never been there!" Omg, she's dumber than I thought. Actually, she's not dumb. Of course she shouldn't just agree to move somewhere, because of a man she's had three dates with. She's sane and rational and that's why she does not belong on this show. Current "like" count: 50.

Brad gets all confused. Ashley has no idea what she wants. She tells Brad he just needs to have faith in her. Brad says they can't build a future on a date they had at a carnival. DUH! Wait, is he gonna dump her right here and send her off on an elephant? Do it! (Current "like" count: 61). Ashley tells Brad she feels LIKE he LIKE just wants to LIKE look for something that LIKE fits what he wants. Um. First off, isn't that what everyone is sort of looking for in a significant other? A good fit? Brad reminds Ashley that he's the guy that proposed to no one in his first season on The Bachelor. Brad gets frustrated again. Are they boning or not??

This has me wondering how Ashley made it this far. And how I was so wrong to think she would get the final rose. Brad wants to stick it in her anyway and gives her the fantasy date card from Chris Harrison. Ashley says "there's a key?!" NO SHIT. Has she never watched this show before? She accepts the invitation and says "let's like hump."

Dude, Chantal got the shaft with her tree house. They're in another pimped out suite. But it's really awkward. I want the cameras to go away now. Brad is upset that they are having a serious communication breakdown.

Next day. Brad gets dressed for the rose ceremony. He's overwhelmed. Brad has a totally unnecessary conversation with Chris Harrison which I'm convinced was actually shot in Los Angeles, cause there ain't no way Harrison came all the way to South Africa. When these two talk all I hear is the sounds that the grown ups on Charlie Brown make. Whatever happened to Brad's therapist? He and Ashley could have used a little couple's counseling.

I love how the cheesy framed pictures still make appearances. Like we're going to forget who's left on the show?

OMG. Brad wants to have yet another conversation with Ashley pre-rose ceremony? Haven't we been through enough? Make it stop, make it stop! Brad takes Ashley away and Emily and Chantal stand around all confused. Brad says their date didn't go well at all (AKA he couldn't get it up.) He's completely shocked that their relationship has gone in a different direction. Ash starts to cry and says like again. Brad says he doesn't know if he fits into her life. Ashley should just dump him. Brad says that he needs to tell her good bye and doesn't want her to sit through a rose ceremony. Ashley says she's not going to ask him to change his mind and that this is so surprising to her. Uh, she should have seen the writing on the wall when he couldn't get hard and had to go to the bathroom to whack off. Ashley gets in the jeep and cries and uses words like magical and sad. (Final "like: count: 75. And I had to watch her last interview on Hulu to for accuracy, because my TV got an emergency alert over it.)

Brad can't believe Ashley won't be meeting his family. Chris Harrison is psyched, because his work is done and he doesn't have to be there for the rose ceremony. Further proof that he was never in South Africa to begin with!

Brad comes back and tells Chantal and Emily that he said good bye to Ashley, because he has too much respect for her to blow her off at a rose ceremony. Brad gives Chantal and Em their roses and they run off to shoot a live action version of Betty & Veronica. Brad plays Jughead.

So, who do we think will get the final rose? I'm thinking Emily after the "I'm falling in love with you" comment, but he won't give her an engagement ring...and will say some BS line about wanting to take things slow.

Agree or disagree? Vote below!

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