Wednesday, March 16, 2011

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: the FINAL rose!!!

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. The final rose ceremony! Who will win Brad's eternal love? Chantal (the feisty brunette) or Emily (the submissive blond.) If you can't guess by now who gets the final rose, go slap yourself. The picture is kind of a dead giveaway.

The show begins with stunning shots of Cape Town, South Africa. Brad hangs out on a balcony once again and thinks about the two women he could spend the rest of his life with. We get another endless recap of the whole season. Brad laments about Chantal--- she's fun and adventurous, but her emotional side scares him. This guy really needs to read our post "My Girlfriend's Crying, What the Fuck Do I Do?" Grow a pair, Brad! Girls cry all the time! Deal with it! Then he talks about Emily and how sweet she is, but that whole past with the dead boyfriend totes intimidates him.

Brad's family (Mom, brothers, sister in laws) arrive in South Africa and he has an emotional reunion with them. The little bitch cries like a baby when he sees them. Okay, I'll admit, this made me heart Brad Womack, but it also makes him a pussy ass hypocrite for freaking out over
the girls in the house crying. But I don't really have time to think about Brad's hypocrisy, because I'm too busy swooning over his much better looking twin brother: Chad. Yes. Brad and Chad. Not only is Chad hotter than Brad, but he doesn't talk like he's got Forrest Gump syndrome. He's all I ever wanted in a man. Sadly, Brad's younger brother is not so hot and is married to a woman named Prima.

Side note: does anyone else think it's weird that Brad kisses his sister in law's bare shoulder when they hug? These two are totally fucking!

Chantal is the first to meet Brad's family. I've pretty much been Team Chantal since episode three, so I'm psyched that she's winning them over. This girl would be an awesome host for a show like Access Hollywood. She's animated, says all the right things, never stumbles over her words, and she's not as orange as the other girls. She's perfect and I love her. Brad's brothers take Chantal aside and she gushes over Brad and says things like "he better ask me to marry him." This is not a good sign. The girl with the most confidence always loses. Brad's mom and Chantal also hit it off and Chantal doesn't miss a beat when Pamela asks her how she fell in love so fast. Go Chantal!

Brad and his brothers go sit on a rock and discuss Chantal. His brothers tell Brad that she's in love with him and Brad says with total confidence "I think so." It's been pretty obvious all season that Brad's not all that into Chantal and right now it's crystal clear. Chantal is basically a thorn in his prick and he needs to figure out how to get rid of her. And never calling her again is not an option.

Then, it's Emily's turn to meet the fam. As soon as the doorbell rings, Brad practically creams himself as he jumps in the air to answer it. The guy can't keep his hands off of her. I have to be honest. I can't really stand Emily. Yes, she's sweet, but what else does she have going for her?? My fellow viewers said it best when they compared her to a grown up Jon Benet Ramsey. I never thought I was racist, but I think I hate platinum blond orange people. Also, does anyone else think Emily is not into Brad at all??

Brad's family is a little taken aback by how reserved Em is, but she manages to win them over when she plays her trump card: yes, the dead fiance. Okay, first of all--- I don't buy for a minute that Brad hasn't been allowed to say anything to his family about any of these girls. So, it feels more than a little scripted to me when Brad's younger brother asks Emily how little Ricki's father will feel about her moving to Austin. (Uh, he's dead, asshole.)

And of course Emily can't just say "Ricki's father passed away." NO. Instead, we have to hear the sob story all over again, down to what the weather was like outside. All the women at the table cry, while Emily laughs to herself: Golly, this dead fiance story works like a charm every time. What? The producers probably forced Emily to tell the story again? Um. Yeah right. You know Emily tells this story, while she's at a McDonald's drive thru ordering a Big Mac. "I'll have fries with that and my fiance had to travel a lot for his job and I used to go with him, but one day...."

Emily has her alone time with Brad's brothers and his mom. Mama Womack balls her eyes out when Emily says that Brad has been her angel. Uh, probably cause all the other women he's dated just come around to tell Pam that Brad gave them the clap.

Brad and his brothers go to their regular hang out: the rock. Brad talks about how much he hearts Emily. The lack of suspense is killing me.

The BEST part of this whole episode is when Brad's family compares Chantal to Emily. It turns out, Brad's sister in laws are big fucking bitches. (I hope you're reading this Prima and platinum blond orange person). They tell Brad that Emily would fit right in with them, because she has a kid. They actually say "Before you're a mom, you don't get it." And then they refer to Chantal as some girl they'd call to go out for wine and sushi. Um, yeah, like I'm really supposed to believe these high class bitches drink wine and eat sushi. Their favorite meal is an Awesome Blossom at Outback Steakhouse.

So, it's pretty effing obvious at this point that Brad's family is Team Em and that Brad wants to stick his penis in all her orifices, but unfortunately, there's still about an hour and twenty minutes of this show to go. So, we all have to suffer while ABC builds fake suspense.

Chantal and Brad have one last date and the poor girl has to get in a cage and swim with sharks. This is just cruel. If a guy made me do that before dumping me, I would feed him a shit load of sleeping pills and when he woke up, he'd have boobs and a vagina.

Chantal makes her last ditch effort to win Brad over by sporting desperate cleavage in her wet suit. But we all know it's too late for her. I kind of want to smack the stupid right out of her and strap her to a chair, while reading He's Just Not That Into You cover to cover. Like, if he won't even hold your hand in shark cage, then he's just not that into you.

Later that night, Chantal and Brad meet again and she brings him a present. *CRINGE* It's a map she's drawn him of all the places they've traveled together so far. Newsflash Chantal, if Emily made him a map, it would include all the same places on your map. You're not special. Chantal is actually a great case study for all the things you should not do if you want a guy to like you. For starters, don't say things like "you better love me" or "you better propose to me." Don't cry in front of him until he's invested. Don't introduce him to your pets. Don't make him something sentimental and DON'T write him a long letter professing your love (especially if he's illiterate.) Brad can barely kiss her or look her in the eye. How could she still feel confident about their love?

The next day. Brad and Emily have their date and instead of swimming with sharks, they get to do something that's never been done on the show: Fly on a helicopter. They land on some gorgeous cliff and talk for hours about how much they love each other. Now, it's all making sense! Brad probably begged the producers to come up with a date with Chantal that would not require them speaking to each other. Hence, the ridiculous wet suits and underwater cage.

That night, Brad stops by Emily's house and in order to build false tension, she starts grilling him about what it'll mean to be a stepdad. Brad's all kinds of confused right now. He's pretty much having a panic attack. Why? Because he thought this bitch didn't talk back. Why is she testing him? Where does this ho get off? This is not the obedient woman he fell for! Things are a little tense when they say their good byes, but I'm no fool. I know Brad's still picking her. Take that, ABC! Your methods of manipulation don't work on me!

It's the day of the final rose ceremony! A creepy guy with a suitcase that looks a little like Frank Langella from that terrible movie The Box comes over to give Brad his engagement ring options. He picks something gaudy and tacky. Seriously, if he gave me that ring, I'd be HELL TO THE NO. Bring me Frank Langella, give me that suitcase, step aside Womack, I'm picking my own paid for by ABC ring.

The first limo pulls up and out steps...Chantal. TEARS! Everyone knows the first girl there is the one getting shat all over. And for once, Chantal actually looks pretty and didn't pick a terrible outfit. I really hate how the show drags out the BLOW OFF so long. First, we have to sit through Brad telling Chantal how amazing and wonderful she is, how he could spend the rest of his life with her...I mean, I seriously thought the guy was going to get down on one knee and tie his shoe. Can't he just give her a hug and say what we all know he's thinking?

Brad: Chantal. I really like squeezing your boobies, but let's be real, you cry too much. You're high maintenance. And Emily is a robot who let's me do all the talking. Sayonara, Chanty!

Chantal takes the rejection in stride and waits 'til she gets to the limo to ball her freaking eyes out. She says that she feels stupid and that she really thought Brad loved her. Okay, maybe I'm not being fair by saying Chantal is clueless. I mean, we have no idea what she let him do to her in that tree house. There could have been bananas and monkeys involved.

Emily arrives with about two hundred pounds of make up on her face. I'll spare you the details, but Brad gets a hard on and proposes marriage. Emily says yes. They talk about how in love they are and how they want to be together forever and then he bends her over and they go at it doggy style. ( You don't know, that could have happened once the cameras were off. A girl can dream.)

Holy shit. I almost forgot to give Chris Harrison props for all his hard work during this episode. He opened two car doors. Wow. What class. What charisma. What talent.

SO, really quick. After the Final Rose...!

Chantal comes out for about two minutes. She looks hot. Brad makes an appearance and gives the same old song and dance about how she really did mean a lot to him, but he just had stronger feelings for someone else. Chantal cries. Brad freaks out. Then we come to find out that Chantal already met someone else and she's in love. Huh? This girl needs higher standards. How does she fall in love so freaking fast. Then, I become severely depressed when I find out that Chantal is not going to be the next Bachelorette. That was the only reason I was okay with her not getting the final rose...Turns out, the next bachelorette is going to be Ashley "I'm still in dental school and I say 'like' 8o times in one episode and I now look like a hooker" H.
I really don't know if I can watch her. Her face is a herpe on my TV screen.

Now, for the best part of the last three hours. Emily comes out and she looks smokin' hot. Her hair is not as platinum, she's slighly less orange, and the bright pink make up has been put to rest. Hallelujah! It becomes pretty clear in the first 30 seconds of this interview that Bremily is going to break up in five days or less. First of all, Em says she has no plans to move to Austin (um, deal breaker for Brad.) We hear that she was not happy after watching the episodes air and that she felt Brad should not have let things go as far with certain people if he really loved her (AKA why did you have a foursome with Chantal, a banana, and a monkey?) AND we also learn that Brad has a bad temper (his family calls him "the bear" when he gets angry.)

Brad looks like he's going to beat the living crap out of her right then and there. I'm having flashbacks of the Barbara Walters interview with Mike Tyson and Robin Givens. Em better wear a helmet backstage.

This is why I was so amused by this interview. All this time, Brad picked Emily because she seemed easy and low key. But it turns out, the girl has some serious balls and she's not about to take any shit from Womack. Turns out the joke's on Brad! This is what happens when you pick the girl that loved you less. Side note:

Dear Emily, have you never seen The Bachelor before? Were you really expecting that six episodes in, Brad would profess that he loves you and that he's annoyed he has to hang out with other women? Or are you just way smarter than the rest of us and the whole jealousy thing is the perfect out? I mean, come on, we all know you weren't really into him anyway.

Let me break it down for you. Emily is only 24. Brad is 38. The last real relationship Emily had was when she was eighteen. That means, she has the emotional maturity of a high school senior. And Brad has the emotional maturity of a three year old. They're doomed, folks.

Things get really ridiculous when Bremily get a therapy session from the only three couples that are still together from The Bachelor franchise. Jason and Molly (who don't even touch each other or make eye contact. I mean, it's obvious they hate each other's guts), Ali and Roberto who haven't even dated for a year so who cares what they say, and Trista and Ryan who have two kids, but probably haven't boned in eight months. They tell them to ignore all the haters and bloggers. Say what? I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. Emily, run like the wind. Don't let little Ricki near the bear!

That's it for our recaps. It's been fun readers. I will leave you with two final thoughts: #1 Why did all the audience members in the After the Rose look like over the hill trailer park trash? #2 A human centipede with Brad, Chris Harrison, and Brad's therapist.

8 comments:

  1. why do you have to bring the awesome blossom into this? love the human centipede!

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  2. At first, I thought Chantal was wearing a bird on her shoulder.

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  3. Totes! I forgot to add that she was totally the black swan and Emily was the white swan.

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  4. So, I watched the second to last episode and read the last two wrap-ups. You're awesome Sara. These were a fun read. And I agree. Emily is boring. And Brad is lame. He totally choose submissive over sassy.

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  5. OMG. I cannot believe I got you to watch The Bachelor O. I feel one part victorious, one part really bad for putting you through it. Thanks for reading. Brad sucks! Chantal forever!

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  6. hehe :)

    p.s. typo on the *chose, not choose.

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  7. the clap.

    Brad and his brothers go to their regular hang out: the rock.

    To the Bachelor Pad!

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  8. omg Ashley H is on Jimmy Kimmel right now and she looks like a total whorebag.

    Plus, she's got a very bad boob job.

    I am DEF watching next season.

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