Wednesday, March 9, 2011

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Women tell all!

The Women Tell All episode is a like a girl's wet dream. Total wish fulfillment all around. I'm actually considering tracking down twenty other women that have dated the same guy I have, so we can all confront the dude TOGETHER. Chris Harrison has to be there too, because he's a God among mere mortals. So. If anyone reading this also dated Ryan Gosling, please contact me. That means you, Rachel McAdams.

Anyway. Here are the highlights from last night's show:

ABC kicks things off with a boring recap of all the shenanigans from this season. Chris Harrison interviews Brad outside of the Bachelor mansion and the lighting and the flowers are so cheesy and tacky and barfalicious, that I'm fully expecting Brad and Harrison to go into a Chippendale's strip tease to the song "It's Raining Men." But they don't. The topic turns to Michelle. Brad makes some reference to being a sucker for hot girls and let's out a little awww shucks chuckle that makes me want to cut his nuts off and make earrings out of them.

Then, Harrison makes us sit through a Bachelor reunion at the Gansevoort Hotel in New York. So, if you ever plan to stay there: don't do it. Seriously. You probably can't even walk by that hotel now without swallowing herpes. Even though this taped piece was painful to watch--- there were a couple of dishy developments at the d-bag reunion. Gia and Vienna hate each other, because Vienna boned Wes. Normally, I'd be on Gia's side, but I think any girl that's attracted to Wes deserves to be thrown in Buffalo Bill's dry well in Silence of the Lambs. Also, Ali and Roberto still enjoying flaunting their love and making single people feel like shit. Casey is still running around saying "guard and protect your heart" and I don't know if I will ever be able to wipe the image of Craig (AKA Paul Giamatti) sticking his tongue in Dina Lohan's mouth. Wait? That wasn't Dina Lohan? Are you sure? I cannot believe there is going to be another Bachelor Pad this summer...if I consider watching it, slap me.

FINALLY the women arrive to tell all! And they all look sluttier and more orange than the last time we saw them. Which brings me to Ashley "I'm still in dental school" H. She looks like a straight up stripper! The terrible extensions. The bright red lipstick. The glittery eye shadow. It's a terrifying combination. And what's even sadder is that you know she's making this huge effort to look hot. MAJOR FAIL. Thanks to one of our loyal readers for pointing out that her lips look a lot plumper. This only proves my point that among the final three, the girl that gives the worst head does not get a rose.

The show does an entire segment on Raichel (the manscaper) and Melissa (the cougar) who hated each other on the show. I'm sorry but this fight does not warrant an entire segment. There was like two scenes of them being bitchy to each other twelve episodes ago and Brad kicked them off. Who cares. And do I really need to see that clip of Melissa talking about her onion pizza breath again? It was bad enough the first time.

My favorite part of this whole sequence is when Raichel says she and Brad had a connection and she only got kicked off the show, because of Melissa. No, Raichel. You got kicked off the show, because of your PENIS.

Melissa's a weirdo, but she actually manages to come off the less trashy of the two when she takes the high road and apologizes to Raichel, who makes the mistake of not apologizing back. These girls seriously have no self awareness. It's scary. Where is Brad's therapist when you need him??

Now, let's talk about the best part of this episode and the best part of this entire season. MICHELLE. Where do I even begin? A few of the girls are understandably pissed off about the things Michelle said about them and they confront her. Jackie (who's clearly making one last ditch effort to be the next Bachelorette) tells Michelle she's a spider. Michelle starts balling. Seriously? She said a lot of awful things about the girls and someone calls her a spider and she has a mental breakdown? Oh, come on!

Michelle(and the girls who defend her) keep saying that she's just funny and sarcastic and that the things she said were misinterpreted. Yes, bitch was funny. And bitch was sarcastic. But bitch was also bat shit crazy!

SO. Chris Harrison brings Michelle on stage and the girl cannot stop crying. This annoys me. I mean, isn't it obvious that she's trying to win some sympathy points? The worst part is, Harrison is on her like white on rice. He's consoling her, telling the other girls to shut the fuck up, telling Michelle how amazing and entertaining she is, blah blah blah. Begging her to let him stick his penis inside her golden vagina. Ugh. If anyone wants to buy me a Daylight Savings present, I'd like a Chris Harrison voodoo doll please.

Michelle keeps saying she was on the show for the right reasons, that she left her daughter to be there which is why she was so aggressive, and that all she wanted was a husband...

We now interrupt this blog post to say, once and for all, there is NO right reason to go on The Bachelor.

Moving on. Here are a few things that confused me during this whole Michelle sequence.
(A) Michelle's outfit. (B) Stacie, who's all kinds of trashy, keeps harping on Michelle for being a bad mom and leaving her daughter to go on the show--- which, don't get me wrong--- she is---- But then so is Emily! I was so annoyed that no one mentioned that Barbie did the exact same thing. (C) All the girls pretend like they are so shocked by the things Michelle said on the show, because they were all besties, but didn't it always seem like they hated her? (D) Michelle says Emily was her best friend in the house. For reals? When did these two even speak to each other? (E) Britt says Michelle got a bad rap because she was so pretty. Oh baby Jesus. I'm so sick of the whole "she's so beautiful and misunderstood" excuse. She's not that hot and she's a single mom. Double gross. (Before you get mad about that comment, keep in mind that I am gorgeous and really sarcastic.)

Anyway. What did you guys think? Did you feel bad for Michelle or did you think it was just another ploy to up her chances at being the next Bachelorette?

Then, Harrison interviews the reject Ashley that got dumped in Vegas. Ashley looks like she's wearing clown make up--- the only thing missing from that face is a drawn on tear drop. Ash says that it really hurt her when Brad said she'd make a great wife someday, but not for him--- because the thing she most strives for in life is to be a good wife and mother. Now, I feel guilty, cause being a good "wife" is like #27 on the list of things that matter to me. Sigh. I wish someone would beat the pathetic out of this girl.

Then, we have to sit through an interview with Chris and some hooker I've never seen. Oh, shit. That's not a hooker, that's Ashley H. She goes on and on about how sad she was about Brad dumping her and how she's learned her lesson and taken blow job classes, but I'm not buying it. This girl was never that into Brad. Which is why Chris Harrison practically rings her neck and shakes her and says "you were in love with him. ADMIT IT." So, she lies and says she was.

Brad finally comes out to confront the ladies. He's got a skip in his step and says his significant other warned him he could only be marginally happy about seeing the other women. (hmmm...that sounds like something Chantal would say.) Brad apologizes to Vegas Ashley and she begs him to explain why he didn't think she'd make a good wife. WOW. Like I said earlier: zero self awareness.

Brad makes me mad when he says he'll defend Michelle forever, because she's hot and confident, which is "sexy as hell." (Note to self: when the bf comes home, walk around naked all night and say "I am so confident" over and over and over again 'til he crumbles at my feet.)

Brad and Ashley H have a moment and he tells her she looks great. And she does. If great means a porn star that takes it up the butt. When I look at Ashley, all I see is yet another girl desperate to be the next Bachelorette.

Okay. Random taped piece of Chris Harrison and Brad dancing with poor African children. Hold on, I see five kids I want to adopt. Need to call my lawyer...

...Okay, I'm back and I have five African kids now and a reality TV offer. Sweet!

Back to the recap. Brad goes on and on about how in love he is. From what he's saying and the tone of his voice, I suspect he's talking about Emily. She's demure and quiet and probably thinks it's inappropriate to ever get mad at a man. She's perfect.

Then, something crazy happens in this episode. We get to watch a little bloopers reel and I'm STUNNED, because Brad Womack actually has a personality!!!!! No, seriously. He's goofy and kind of witty and makes a couple funny jokes. Who is this Brad Womack? I like this Brad Womack. I'm falling in love with this Brad Womack. I want to be a good wife to this Brad Womack. GIVE ME THAT ROSE.

The show ends with a recap of Brad's romance with Chantal and Emily and a sneak peek at next week's episode. I'm still rooting for Chantal, but my money's on Emily. The suspense is seriously killing me! How will the most controversial season of The Bachelor end? I hope someone dies. And by someone, I mean Chris Harrison.

1 comment:

  1. Seriously one of the funniest blog recaps I've read in a long time. I've missed this season but now I want to watch to see who he picks!