Tuesday, March 1, 2011

my girlfriend's crying, what the f$%$ do I do?

Boys hate it when girls cry. That's no secret. It makes them uncomfortable and that makes us uncomfortable and then we cry more. But it's important to us girls to be around men that can make us feel better when we cry or at least make us feel okay about it.

So, if you're with a girl you like and you don't want her to blow you off, learn to deal with the occasional tears. (if she cries ALL THE TIME, consider cutting bait.) Here are some do's and don'ts for when us ladies get all red and puffy. This one's a top twelve list, yo!

12. Don't tell us to stop crying. Look, it's not like we want to cry. It makes our eye make up run and our skin get blotchy, we just can't help it! Try using these three simple words we hear from our besties when we're having an emotional breakdown: let. it. out.

11. Drop the sarcasm or the "I can't believe you're crying" bit. Like I said, we can't help it. How would you like it if we said things like "I can't believe you came so fast."

10. Do tell us we look pretty when we cry. I know it's cheesy, but a guy friend in college said that to me once when I was a weepy mess and maybe I'm easy, but I abruptly stopped crying, smiled, and said "Really? Tell me more."

9. Don't leave the room. Even if you think we need our space. Honestly, I don't get it. I've seen some of you guys get into bar fights with Samoans, gang bangers, and Samoan gang members--- but the first sign of a crying girl and you run the other way. Stop it. The only thing worse than crying is feeling even more rejected while you're doing it.

8. There's a reason for the "shoulder to cry on" expression. We like to be held when we're sobbing and hyperventilating. Hold us tight. But not if we're beating you on the chest and screaming "don't touch me."

7. Don't you dare laugh at us. If I want to drool and snot and wail into a pillow, while watching the first ten minutes of Up, I don't need you pointing at me and giggling. Instead--- any time you get the urge to laugh or snicker, replace it with a totally lacking in sarcasm "awww."

6. In the words of Janis Joplin: Cry, cry baby. Sometimes, there is nothing hotter than seeing a man cry. Seriously. When my friends and I recount blow up fights with our boyfriends, the phrase "he almost started crying" or "he was kind of crying a little" comes up time and time again. We're girls. We interpret this to mean you love us so much it hurts. And that makes us fucking love you. So, next time there's an argument and we're crying, practice your best vaklempt voice.

5. If we're doing one of those "you're inside me and I love you so much" happy cries...just go with it. Don't say "this is weird" or "who's your daddy."

4. Don't try to be funny or make us laugh. However funny you think we think you are, divide that by two and that's about how funny you really are. It's exhausting laughing at all your jokes, the last thing we want to do when we need you to reassure us, is reassure you that you're funny.

3. Don't ask us if we're on our period. The last time the bf did that I threw a box of tampons at his head.

2. Do say "everything's going to be okay." It sounds trite, but it goes a long way. But only if you say it in a soothing tone and only if the words "you need to relax" don't come before it.

1. Don't try to have sex with us or go into seduction mode. The last thing we want to do when we're drowning our sorrows is get naked and work it. And if we need that kind of pick me up to make us feel better...we know where your dicks are.


  1. ... Can I actually send this to my boyfriend?

  2. Amazingly on point...unfortunately. The one about seeing your boyfriend cry is all too true but when that has happened, it makes me feel like a really insensitive, selfish person. Once I was really upset for some reason and I started just coming up with, and expressing, various doubts I had to my boyfriend about our relationship. I don't know if I was trying to be hurtful or maybe trying to make sure he was taking what I was saying seirously. I do think that they were genuine issues I was having but I probably didn't need to go to that point in this argument. Eventually he just broke down. He really was taking what I was saying to heart. Immediately, I almost came back to "reality" and was over whatever it was I had been complaining about and just wanted to make him feel better. That made me feel like my whole "tantrum' was totally exaggerated and unnecessary. Did it really take me making him feel as bad as I felt for me to feel better? That's sick. Am I thinking about it in the wrong way?

  3. So basically you're looking for a female friend.