Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Ten Hardest Things About Being Single: A Rebuttal

Editor's note: After the Silicon Valley Bachelor read our top ten hardest things about being in a relationship, he took our offer and came up with a rebuttal for the single folks. Enjoy!

10. Eating by yourself really sucks. And I do it a lot. Instead of having your significant other order something that looks equally appetizing so that you can both share, you must choose one and run with it. Therefore, I have yet to try anything else besides a Barbacoa burrito at Chipotle, lest I don't like what I ordered and ruin my entire meal.

9. Unlimited boob touchage. You guys and gals know what I'm talking about. There always comes to a point where you're just allowed to grab her boobs whenever you want. It can be during a telecast of the Laker's game and during a timeout you do a reach-over boob grab, then take a sip of your beer as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Or during a car ride, where you put your hand down her v-neck shirt, leave it there, and drive-on in silence.

8. Alienation. Your couple friends just don't invite you out anymore. I get all sad when seeing pics of them out together on Facebook. It makes me try harder with the girls when I see them - in hopes they'll invite me out next time. "Oh.Em.Gee., is that Sephora by OP you're wearing!??! You go girlfriend!" Alas, my attempts at offering tips on the best female hygienic products also falls flat.

7. Friends. As a result of #8, my going out friends get younger and younger. Pretty soon, people will ask them, "hey, is this your Dad?" Or worse yet, "who's the creepy old guy you came with?"

6. Splitting the bills. I think down the line, the girl will pay about a third of the time. Can anyone confirm? Since I never make it that far, I am essentially paying 100% of the time. It's wonderful.

5. Weddings. The older I get, the less fun weddings become without a date. Couples in their early 30s are starting to run out of eligible bachelorette friends. And no offense, but the ones left over are like the rejects with some huge character flaw. Like, she dated a guy for 10 years and he didn't want to marry her, so now here she is with no personality because she missed out on her 20s and never had to work at being interesting.

4. Spooning. I don't know about you, but it feels so darn good to spoon in five minute increments during the night and morning. I mean, I've unconsciously spooned girls I'm not interested in and then I realize it and become grossed out, but I miss just being so into someone and holding them when you're both so vulnerable and uninhibited. Sigh.

3. Movies. I want to go watch movies - not all the time - but some of the time. And asking your guy friends to go watch a movie is always a little weird. It's like double dutch jump roping. Do I sit next to him? Who gets the arm rest? What if our elbows accidentally touch? Should we do the macho guy thing and leave a seat inbetween the both of us?!? It's just too complicated.

2. Condoms. Who the hell likes using condoms? What a buzz kill! Oh, stop it! I've written about way worse things than that before. Find me someone who likes using condoms, not named Jason Biggs in American Pie, and I will find you someone who is hiding herpes.

1. Designated Driver. Everyone knows that I am going to get more drunk than anyone else at the bar, therefore eliminating myself as a viable option for a ride home or even comprehensible conversation. I often remember hearing: "Kevin, everything you just said made me dumber." Most girls know that I get so sloppy, that I ruin their buzz, relegating them to a sigh and, "I guess I'm driving us home tonight..." Oh, man... I miss relationships.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

read more about Kevin's exploits on his blog. It's the shiz-nit.

5 comments:

  1. That IS a good pic! If that's me in 30 years, at least I have hardwood floors and that painting. It looks expensive! Yay me!

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  2. LOL! I love that you can find a silver lining. Paintings and hardwood floors do equal a happy life though as far as I'm concerned.

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  3. Great list, but it left out my #1 hardest thing about being single - Asking for rides to and from the airport! This is my most hated thing ever about single life. I might marry just so I can avoid the painful process of asking friends to take me to the airport at what always seems to be the most inconvenient time ever. Worse are their uncomfortable excuses why they can't and the realization I'll be spending an extra $100 in cab rides, again.

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  4. Mary Jeanne, if it makes you feel better, I usually always cab it to the airport or do long term parking--- i hate asking my friends for rides too, but I even hate burdening the sig other with it. No matter how much you love someone, you pretty much never want to drive them to the airport. But yes, I agree, that's a good one to add to the list!

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  5. MJ - do you mind if I call you MJ? I feel a closeness and level of intimacy that I haven't felt before... I totally agree with you. GREAT call. What bothers me the most is that I give so many people rides to the airport, but when it comes my turn, no one is to be found. Sure, I have plenty of time on my hands, but it's just not fair.

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