Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Glossary of a BLOW OFF: Relationship Water Boarding

Relationship Waterboarding
function: verb-noun
Origin: from the folds of my brilliant mind
Definition: A process in which you are a total dick to the person you're dating until they say uncle and break up with you.
(I was so in love with Lisa, but she relationship waterboarded me with her increasingly bitchy attitude. I felt like I was drowning, so I finally ended it by dumping her...which was what she wanted all along.)

I don't believe in torture, but I have totally relationship waterboarded significant others before. I knew a couple months into my relationship with my NYC boyfriend that he was more invested than I was, but I felt too guilty to call it quits. He was so nice to me and whenever I mentioned that I didn't think the relationship had staying power, he'd tremble and chain smoke. So, what to do except be a completely miserable girlfriend to be around? I criticized the poor guy left and right--- anything from the articles of clothing that were too small for him to the fact that he showed no signs of doing anything with his life beyond cater-waitering to saying things like I would never introduce him to my parents. OUCH. Okay, maybe I just thought half those things and didn't say them, but either way, we didn't have much of a honeymoon phase. When we eventually did break up, he was the one that put it out there first and I immediately jumped on the bandwagon. It was what I wanted all along and I not only tortured him into wanting it to, but I also made him do my dirty work. Just call me Dick "motherfuckin' " Cheney.

No comments:

Post a Comment