Thursday, April 21, 2011

the pregnant BLOW OFF

I've been with the BF for over five years now and I'm happy to report that we have had no accidental (or intentional) pregnancies in that span of time. But somehow, he still manages to give me friendly reminders to take the pill. Even though his tendency to do so gets under my skin, I get it-- since the pill is our chosen form of contraception, the only control he has in the whole birth control debate is reminding me to take it. I'm totally willing to turn a blind eye to the fact that if he was the one taking hormones to avoid getting preggers and I reminded him to take his pill, he'd roll his eyes and say "yes, mom".

But he's not the only pregnancy paranoid boy I've dated. I seriously think guys are taught by their parents that a girl's favorite hobby is getting pregnant on purpose. It's not! Do I look like I want to get fat or have an abortion or be on teen mom? (What, I'm 30? That's too old to be on teen mom? Fucking age-ists!) It pisses me off that men assume we heart them so much that we're willing to BLOW OFF our bodies and the rest of our lives to hold on to them with a baby. Sorry, dude. You're not that special.

But sadly, for every rational woman out there, you always find some dumb fertile bimbo to fuck it up for the rest of us. Cause apparently there are chicks out there who get pregnant on purpose to hold on to a man. They're not just characters on soap operas (RIP). I've heard a couple stories recently about women who have done this and yes, it's totally possible their pregnancies were complete fluke accidents, BUT do you know how hard it actually is to get pregnant? There's a whole science to it that involves taking your temperature and doing a fertility dance on the altar of a slaughtered goldfish. And do you really expect me to believe you danced on the altar of a slaughtered goldfish and had no idea you were doing it?

In closing, here's my advice. Ladies, don't get pregnant to hold on to a man. No penis is worth the stretchmarks and the stretched out vagina. Gentlemen, put the paranoia to rest--- if you're engaging in sex with an ex, for the love of God, use a condom!

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