Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the "shit or get off the pot" blow off

How do you know when to forge ahead or call it quits in a relationship? Here's a handy time line to go by from professional shit or get off the pot detectors here at the BLOW OFF.

If it's been two weeks and you haven't gotten a call or a text back, you're not even on the pot and if you don't move on, you'll just end up shitting your pants.

If you've had three dates and you haven't even kissed yet, tongue or get off the pot.

If you've had 4+ dates and the other person hasn't offered to treat or pay for anything, get off the pot. Don't even bother taking a shit.

If you've been dating for three months, there's been no sex, and you're not saving yourself for Jesus, shit or get off the pot.

If you've been dating for six months and you're not using the words "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and claiming you hate labels, your sig other forgot about the pot and just took a giant shit all over you instead.

If you've been dating for one year and you still haven't said "I love you", take a laxative or get off the pot.

If you've been dating for two years and you're above the age of twenty-five and you're not roman catholic and you still haven't discussed moving in together, shit or get off the pot.

If you've been dating for three years and you're above the age of 25 and you've never had a single marriage conversation and it's legal for you to get married, shit or get off the pot.

If you've been dating for five years, are above the age of 25, and you want to get married, but the other person doesn't, take a shit on their face while they are sleeping.

There are exceptions to all these rules. Just remember, relationship constipation only leads to pain and discomfort.

3 comments:

  1. HOLY SHITBALLS!

    May I take you out on a date?
    May I pay for this?
    May I touch your boobie?
    Will you be my girlfriend?
    Will you move in with me?
    Will you marry me?

    I LOVE YOU.

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  2. I think you need to take out the note about there being exceptions to these rules. That's only going to give the self-deluders all sorts of room for excuses.

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  3. good point! no more excuses, take a crap and be free!

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