Thursday, April 28, 2011

Top ten things you should have in common with your lovah

The old adage "opposites attract" is total horse shit. I mean, seriously. If this were true, I'd be in love with a gay, blonde hair, blue-eyed, Republican, racist, mormon, with no fashion taste, and an affinity for cats and John Mayer. Opposites do not attract. Have you ever heard someone say "OMG, you'll never believe it. I met the perfect girl. I'm Jewish and she loves Hitler." NO. Of course it's good to not have everything in common, but here's our top ten list of things you should have in common with your lovah to best avoid a BLOW OFF.

10. Wallflowers and social butterflies do not mix. If one of you loves to go out and party and one of you loves to hit up video on demand A-Z, then you're fucked. For reals! That's like the number one reason celebrities break up (aside from their busy schedules)-- it's always, he liked to stay in and she liked to go out. (AKA she's a coke head, he's not.) That's precisely why Tara Reid and Carson Daly never made it down the altar.

9. Nobamas and Obamas must not procreate. If you're a die-hard Democrat, how can you really fall in love with a die-hard Republican? And I'm not just talking about those fiscally conservative Re-Re's, I'm talking those "I hate black people, Obama's a muslim born in Kenya, Planned Parenthood can suck it, what this country needs is Sarah Palin" re-re's. Just because it works for James Carville and Mary Matalin does not mean it'll work for the rest of us.

8. You have to both be famous. If one of you is just a normal person and one of you is on the pages of "stars, they're just like us" then you have no future. (Unless you are Matt Damon and Luciana whatever her last name is, because Matt Damon is perfect and can do no wrong.) In all seriousness though, even famous people dump their less famous significant others. Why else did Blake Lively BLOW OFF Penn Badgley?

7. Opposing sexual orientations are not a good idea. Gays need to stick with the gays and heterosexuals need to stick with heteros. Heteros that are secretly gay are SO annoying. And bi-sexuals need to eventually pick a sexual organ and stick with it. Our transgender friends can do whatever they want. They've earned it.

6. Tall people should stick with tall people and short people should stick with short people. I'm 5ft and my f-f-f-f-iance is 6'2". We're kind of a freak show. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller...actually, I'm only saying this b/c I have a recurring nightmare that I get kidnapped and tasered to death by a bevy of tall single women.

5. Type A's belong with Type A's and Type B's belong with Type B's. I am as type A as it comes and I'm not ashamed of it. And there's nothing I find less attractive than a person that not only lets you, but wants you to call all the shots. You know what you get when you put a Type A with a Type B? An abusive relationship.

4. Food is your friend. As far as I'm concerned, we should create an internment camp and fill it with picky eaters, so you people can stop ruining our dinner parties and first dates. If you love all kinds of food, then you will never truly deeply be able to love a vegan. Trust.

3. Don't put the ex in sex. If you're Pervy Perverson then you can't make it work with Prudey Pruderson. You need to at least find someone you can meet in the middle with. Like...you can only stick it in my pooper if we can cuddle after...for like ten hours, while I shake and cry from the trauma.

2. Lazy people belong with lazies and workaholics belong with workaholics. There's nothing more offensive to a lazy than someone who's out busting their ass and there's nothing more offensive to a busted ass than a fat ass.

1. If you are a human, then you should not attempt dating an animated cat. Sorry. No exceptions. Don't believe me? I heard Paula and her cartoon cat were constantly fighting and sleeping in separate bedrooms by the time they shot this video:

2 comments:

  1. Also: Age does matter.

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  2. HAHAHAHAHAH, I need to find me a Prudey McPruderson who will let me stick it in her pooper. Only then, will all my dreams come true...

    ReplyDelete