Monday, April 11, 2011

the top ten ways to get an on the job BLOW OFF

Last week, one of our fave contributors (Lucky D) in one of our fave posts (click here) broke down the parallels between quitting a job and breaking up with a significant other. It got us thinking...if quitting and breaking up share a lot of the same residual emotions, then so does getting fired and getting dumped. The old pink slip might even be more painful...not only does the rejection toy with all the same insecurities, but it also fucks with your bank account.

Well, here's some good news. If you work for a big corporation, it's pretty effing hard to get fired. Trust me. I worked with someone back in the day that was a crackhead (literally) and it took years 'til the company was able to fire her without risking a lawsuit. I've yet to be fired from a job, but I've picked up on a few tips on how to avoid an on the job BLOW OFF:

10. Don't dress like a whore at work. I once had an intern (it's always the interns and the aspiring actresses, btw) who dressed like she'd come to the office straight from Hollywood Blvd. We're talking hot pink midriff baring tube tops. I finally had to tell her that she needed to dress more appropriately to work, but made a mental note never to hire her again. (Plus, she asked me to borrow $20 once. Unless you're asking for a raise, don't ask your boss to spot you, people.)

9. Never hit the "send" button until you double check who the email is going to. Another colleague wrote an email venting to his friend about what a fucking bitch his boss was, BUT he didn't send it the email to his friend...he accidentally sent it to his boss. She had him fired. As a rule, always use your personal email account anytime you're dishing about how dumb a co-worker is. Work email is basically as private as writing on someone's Facebook wall.

8. Resist the urge to talk shit about your boss, period. The truth is, we all talk smack about people we work with (I, for one always used code names) but it can come back to bite us in the ass. I once confronted my boss for treating me poorly for a period of months only to find out he'd been mad at me, because he'd heard I'd said something negative about him. (Side note: I had said a lot of negative things about him, but ironically the thing he'd heard was something I'd never uttered.) I didn't get fired, but the experience was humiliating (especially since I cried like a baby in front of him.)

7. Don't get old. Seriously. Old people get fired. If you're making a lot of money and you're nearing sixty and your contract is up...there's a good chance you're going to get the boot. The majority of the people I saw get let go at my previous day job were women over the age of 45. I am so not looking forward to being the oldest person at the office one day.

6. Don't shit your pants at the company Christmas party. This could be one of those office urban legends, but did you ever hear the one about the girl that got so wasted at Tavern on the Green that she crapped her pants in front of all her co-workers? Seriously. How do you recover from that.

5. Don't completely fuck up an interview and get handed a BLOW OFF even before getting the job. My weirdest interview experience took place when I was hiring a new crop of interns. I called a guy whose resume sounded promising. Apparently, his girlfriend had also applied for the internship, so he asked if she could come in for an interview too (strike one). I decided to be nice and set up a time for her to come in even though I thought it was a weird request. They ended up doing the interview together (strike two) and he answered every question for her, while she sat their quiet the entire time (strike three). Needless to say, neither of them were offered the job.

4. Don't make your co-workers look bad in public unless you want them to refer to you as a fat C&$% behind your back. There was one person at my old job that had a habit of constantly grilling colleagues in front of the boss. (If this girl ever went on a reality show, she'd be the one who would repeatedly say shit like "I'm not here to make friends.") She very quickly became the most hated person in the office. The only thing worse than this is doing things that make your boss look stupid. Remember when Star Jones announced her departure from The View without running it by Barbara Walters? Bitch wasn't back on the show the next day.

3. Don't ever start a sentence at the office with the words "I'm not a racist, BUT..." Another terrible mistake made by one of my interns who I'd never hire again.

2. Don't put slutty pictures of yourself on Facebook. I used to Google every person I brought in for an interview and if there was sketchy shit on their social networking sites, it was a huge red flag. Not because it meant they were slutty, but because it meant they were fucking dumb.

1. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Embezzlement ain't no joke. A family in my hometown were known as self made millionaire types...except it turned out all their money was stolen from Mom's venture capitalist boss. They were arrested for embezzlement and as of 2004 (eight years after their arrest) they were still serving time. Their poor kids were in high school when this all went down. Talk about a parental BLOW OFF. So, try to keep any on the job theft to a minimum--- like paper clips or post it notes.


  1. partially based off of luckyd's post and my own absurd imagination of a company moving its corporate office instead of actually sitting a person down to fire them, i came up with the movie idea over the weekend for "lost job."

    -a guy gets send on a business trip
    -obvious work isn't happy with him nor he with work
    -returns to office to find that everyone left and moved out, but his office is untouched
    -attempts to find new office for explanation, rejoin company
    -they don't want to talk
    -sends flowers
    -sees new employee in his position
    -seeks guy out, gets drunks, approaches and tries to fight guy
    -new guy points out that work chose him, he didn't steal the guy's job
    -vendor client of protagonist tries to console him
    -eventually falls for the vendor company
    -starts a new job/relationship

  2. I love it! you should totally write this. this is what I call the disappearing blow off. No call, no email, no text, no nothing. it would be very twilight zone-ish to get fired like this.