Wednesday, May 25, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: season premiere

I'd like to start this post by saying that I can't believe I even thought for a second I should not watch The Bachelorette. I fooled myself into thinking I was finally too evolved for bad reality TV, but I'm not. And if loving the Bachelorette is wrong, well then I don't want to be right.

Plus, I think we can all agree that last night's episode was nothing short of a masterpiece.

Where does one even start? The show kicks off with a recap of Ashley and Brad's tragic romance. Ashley supposedly had her heart broken by Brad. According to ABC, their relationship fell apart, because Ashley couldn't bring herself to tell Brad that she loved him. That's their version of things and then there's the truth: Ashley was not into Brad and was gunning to be the next Bachelorette. I especially LOVE in the flashbacks that Ashley is trying so hard to cry in the car when Brad dumps her. I can just hear her interior monologue...

Ashley's interior monologue: Cry bitch! The more brokenhearted you are, the better your chances of being The Bachelorette. Now ball your eyes out like your whole family just died in a car accident!

Then we have the obligatory shots of Ashley being pensive while...jogging, strolling down the street, and dancing in an empty auditorium. Oh, yeah. Cause Ashley's supposed to be a dancer...kind of like how Natalie Portman was supposed to be one.

This is where I start asking myself if Ashley is going to get paid after every date, because girlfriend looks like a straight up hooker with her new make over. I would do anything to have her recite lines from Pretty Woman all through this season or do the Arsenio Hall barking thing every time she goes on a one on one date.

We already get a preview of the rest of the season which pretty much looks like shots from every other season of The Bachelor franchise. There's some guy named Bentley's who is pretending to love Ashley when he really wants to stick it in Emily. Then there's the most amazing shot of a rose...wait for it...on fire. What does this mean?! Is Ashley a firestarter?!

Awwwww. The Bachelor mansion. How I've missed you. And now for my arch nemesis: Chris Harrison. The laziest man in show business comes out and gives a little speech that poses the question we've all been asking since last season...why didn't Ashley trust her feelings more?

Side note...do you think Ashley paid some guy to fall in love with Chantal to secure her spot as the next Bachelorette? That would be so hot.

Okay. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. Time to meet the dudes!! Suddenly, I feel like a lonely and desperate housewife who hasn't been touched by my husband in decades, because I find the majority of these guys extremely attractive. Am I crazy or is this quite possibly the hottest batch of Bachelorette men??

Let's start with Ryan. He has his own solar paneling company, so he's rich and likes the earth. He kind of resembles Scott Speedman...but he just made that Taylor Swift heart emblem with his hands. Oh, no. I knew it. Ryan is gay gay gay. He does deserve to find love...with Anderson Cooper.

Then there's JP. Yet another hottie with a slight closeted gay vibe. But I think maybe he's just one of those straight guys that's let a guy or two lick his penis. He's an early favorite.

I can't decide if Ames is cute, because I'm too distracted by the tiny butt on his chin. It looks like a vajayjay post brazilian wax. I'm also getting a bit of a robot/Patrick Bateman vibe from Ames. Like he'd probably need both hands to count the times he's committed date rape.

Next is boring white guy #4. Ben from New Orleans. Why do all these guys seem gay? Is it cause of their desperate search for love that no healthy heterosexual male in his twenties would ever be able to relate to?

Ben F, the winemaker is walking a fine line between hot and ugly. One second he looks totally doable and the next second he looks like the girl/boy from Sleepaway Camp. I can get with the whole "I live in Sonoma and make wine" thing though. (However, later...it turns out he lives in San Diego and does internet stuff and does the wine thing in Sonoma. This reminds me of when we found out Ashley wasn't a dentist, but a STUDENT in dental school.)

Why is this guy named Bentley? And what happened to his neck? And why does his daughter Cozy look exactly like Little Ricki (Emily's daughter)? Cause ABC just keeps using the same prop kid every time. Bentley says that he hopes The Bachelorette is Emily. I'm confused. When did this shit start filming? If it was before The Bachelor wrapped then...wouldn't it have leaked that Ashley was The Bachelorette earlier on? And if it filmed after, don't these guys know Brad picked Emily? Or do they just start filming the guys before they even know who the Bachelorette is going to be? OMG, why am I even thinking about this and admitting to thinking about it by including it in this post???

Ok. Anthony the butcher is my new boyfriend. I don't know what it is, but I love everything about him. He totally looks like someone that Samantha would get it on with in Sex and the City. I want to set him up with Shawntelle (the mortician) from last season.

And now for the obligatory contestant who has a dead spouse. West. He is super cute and this story about his wife dying in the bathtub after having a seizure is devastating. Except...now, I'm wondering how many times we'll end up hearing this story this season. Plus...personally, I think West totally killed his wife. Think about it. Think about it.

I'm also kind of in love with William. He's the guy from Ohio with great dimples and a really problematic umbrella. I love a man that can make fun of himself. Wait, are those man boobs I spy in the mirror? Hmmmm. Also, raise your hand if you believe that William's watch really stopped when his alcoholic dad died? And I bet every time there's a rainbow it means his dad is watching over him. I liked William the first time, when he was named Chris L.

Where are the black men? The Asians? The Latinos? They should make everyone on this show join the Klan. Minorities deserve love too!!!

I took a power nap during Ashley's conversation with Chris Harrison, but I'm guessing they talked about Ashley's trust issues, how she missed an opportunity with Brad, and how she hopes all the guys are there for the right reasons.

Just as I wake up from my nap, Ashley mentions that a friend of Bentley's ex-wife warned her that he's not here for the right reasons and he just wants to promote his business (and stick it in Emily's butthole!) WHAT? Someone is on The Bachelorette to get famous and to not find love? I don't believe it. I won't believe it.

Here are the highlights from the guys as they get out of the limo:
*This guy Tim is so nervous he's speechless. awww. cute. Ugh, I'm such a sucker.
*Ben from New Orleans speaks French to Ashley and she pretends she understands what the fuck he's saying.
*Some guy tries to rap and basically loses his chances of getting a rose.
*West gives Ashley a compass that's stopped on "West." This is all kinds of romantic if it wasn't exactly the kind of present someone gives you before they murder you.
*I'm so into the butcher. Can anyone explain why I find him so irresistible?
*The guy with the mask is my new hero. But if he really wanted to prove a point, he should have worn a paper bag over his head. Unless he has a penis where his nose should be, you can pretty much tell he's halfway decent looking.
*Nevermind, Ashley and ABC aren't racists. There are two Canadians on the show. (Spoiler alert: Neither of them get roses)
*You can tell JP is going to last awhile, because they play super cheesy soft music when he gets out of the limo. I'm calling it now, Ash gives him the first impression rose.
*A guy recites a poem for Ashley, but apparently he doesn't know that the words "catch" and "stretch" DO NOT RHYME.
*Some guy ties a string of floss around Ashley's finger (oh yeah, because she's an aspiring dentist.) It's actually sort of sweet and memorable. It might be my favorite move.
*Ashley gets all weak in the knees when she sees Bentley...proving to the world that women are fucking idiots.

The weirdest thing about the season so far is that these guys all seem like legitimate fans of The Bachelor. Most of them know who Ashley is and watched the show. One guy even calls his mom and she goes all fan girl on Ashley and tells her to use protection in the fantasy suites (to which Ashley gives her signature response: "that's awesome.")

Side note, I love how Ashley pronounces "perfect" like it's spelled "perfeckt".

My least favorite part of Bachelorette/Bachelor premieres is that first night where everyone makes a fool of themselves trying to get quality time with the person they're competing for. It's so desperate and pathetic and it makes me very very uncomfortable.

Ben from New Orleans apparently slipped out at some point and went to Office Depot, because he's gets Ashley's attention by writing her notes on poster board (um, you're not creative, we've all seen Love, Actually)

I love that Jeff in the mask has chosen The Bachelorette as a venue for a social experiment. And this Tim guy is way overly freaked out by the mask. Like...what went wrong in his childhood that's got him so disturbed by the whole thing? Did he have to go to a lot of masquerades as a child? Tim is so freaked out that he gets WASTED.

Not just I'm on TV and kind of drunk. He's like not able to form sentences. And then he passes out and snores so loud it almost seems fake. Ashley decides to send him home which is probably her first and last smart decision of the season. Poor Tim. Can't wait to watch him on Intervention.

Ashley and JP have a super deep conversation where she reveals she's always wanted to be called Cupcake. That's so weird, I've always wanted to be called Pootang Pie! From now on, we will give Ashley her wish. She will only be referred to as "cupcake" on this blog.

Cupcake decides to give the first impression rose to Ryan. I think this is a good choice. Even though Ryan is a little too nice and a little too gay, he's super successful. I have no idea why someone like him would decide to go on The Bachelorette, but maybe he's looking for a new beard.

Rose ceremony. As always, there are guys who get roses that I don't think we've seen all episode. Phantom of the Opera gets a rose and he still doesn't take his mask off?! How long is he going to wear that shit?

Hold up. REWIND. Did Ashley really just send the butcher home?!?!?! How could this be happening. It's only the first episode and I'm already crushed. PLEASE PLEASE, if anyone from ABC is reading this, we need him to be the next bachelor. Can we start a Facebook campaign or what?

Lastly, one of the Canadians who gets the boot cries about finding love. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was just making a last ditch effort to get on The Bachelor Pad.

We get to see yet another preview of the upcoming season which gives way too much away. It would be so much cooler if they'd blur out the guys faces so we'd have no idea who sticks around. At some point, Ashley has a meltdown (presumably from learning that Bentley or some other guy wanted Emily to be the Bachelorette...which she says was the thing she was most afraid of.) Ashley! Don't worry. I didn't want Emily to be the Bachelorette. I wanted Chantal. Or Jackie. Or Michelle. Or Brittney. Or Ali Fedotowsky. Or my downstairs neighbor. Or Chris Harrison's wife.

3 comments:

  1. Awesome recap. I laughed. I cried.

    I always thought Ashley was a moron, but she actually knew exactly what she was doing all along with Brad! I'm impressed.

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  2. We completely underestimated her!!

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  3. I totally agree with you about the butcher, and I'll join you in whatever campaign you start! However you spelled Ashley's pronunciation of "perfect" wrong. It's "perfaackt". :)

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