Thursday, May 5, 2011

the BLOW OFF first aid emergency kit

If you or someone you know is going through a BLOW OFF, don't text "I hope you get herpes for dumping me" to 90999. Instead, assemble your very own first aid emergency kit. Here's a top ten list of what you need to make it through this difficult time:

10. Painkillers. Hello?! They kill pain!!! I'm not saying you should OD on them or anything, but one or two Xanax never hurt nobody and if it stops the racing thoughts and evil butterflies in your belly and the tightening in your chest, than take three and call me in the morning.

9. One of those memory eraser vibrator looking things from Men in Black. Aliens are harmless, get rid of those "I'm so happy and in love" memories that only come back to haunt us. Happy memories can SUCK IT.

8. A Japanese Pillow person thing to rest your head on. They can't dump you. They are comfy and cozy. And you can rub your privates all over them and stick them in the wash! Plus, Japan's going through a really hard time, so they could use your support. It's a win-win.

7. A photo of the Iraqi girl from Time Magazine who had her face blown off in the war. It's called perspective, people.

6. A fake baby bump. Nothing says "eat your hear out, I'm over you" like I'm pregnant. Especially, if you're a dude.

5. Red nail polish, some gauze, and a dull razor blade. Nothing says "take me back, I need you" like a suicide attempt.

4. A mixed CD that's not actually a mixed CD, because there are only twelve tracks of Survivor by Destiny's Child. (Remember: Do. Not. Compromise. Your. Christianity.)

3. A puppy.

2. Ten pounds of cookie dough and three cases of Easy Mac. Who cares about clogged arteries when your HEART IS BROKEN. Give it to me! I want to die. And get fat. Because no one will ever love me again. Not even other fat people.

1. Something of your ex's that they'll never get back in a mason jar. I'm not talking a lock of their hair. I'm thinking more along the lines of the tip of their penis, an eyeball, a few toes, their ring finger, their nipples, or their belly button--- but only if it's an outty. Then, sprinkle it with our very special BLOW OFF powder to grow a person that looks just like your ex. Then you can dump them and then be all like "Now you know how it feels, suckah. Who's crying now? The shoes on the other foot. Karma's a bitch. You don't have parents, you grew from a nipple in a mason jar, so HA."

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