Tuesday, May 17, 2011

meeting girls in bars: dos and don'ts.

It's happened. I've finally reached that age where going out to a bar only sounds appealing if that bar is in a nice restaurant and I'm having a glass of wine before getting seated for a yummy meal. This is what happens when you hit your thirties: food trumps booze. But for my younger, cooler, male readers who are still braving the bar scene for pussy (all two of you), I thought I'd give you some words of advice on how to seal the deal with the ladies. I spent a good part of my twenties in bars and I know first hand that most of you suck so bad at flirting, you get BLOWN OFF in thirty seconds or less. But now that those days are finally behind me, I want to help.

10. If we're hanging out with our best friend and we're in deep conversation and we're not paying attention to you...it does not mean that we're lesbians...so please don't ask us if we are as your opening line. My roommate in New York and I got asked this by guys on at least three different occasions--- and yes, maybe I went through a blazer/page boy hat phase (for the record, never worn together) BUT the lesbo angle never made me want to talk to a dude. You know what it did do? Make me wish I liked pussy.

9. Do buy us drinks and then walk away. The thing is, most guys in our generation are cheap bastards, so offering to buy us a drink automatically puts you in the top 5%. And walking away means you don't expect us to hang out with you all night purely because you shelled out the $6 to get us liquored up. Moving aside makes you sexy and intriguing. Come back to find us in forty-five minutes and we will like you.

8. If you go up to talk to a girl and she politely tells you she and her friends are having a girls night: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Girls only have "girls only" nights in the face of annoying guys they are not interested in or attracted to. So, don't embarrass yourself and keep trying.

7. Pick up lines are stupid. Even trying them out in a goofy ironic way is lame. Instead just give the girl a compliment, but try something unconventional...like "I love the way your jeans hug your vagina." Okay, not that-- but maybe throw in an adjective that only gets used in WB shows...like "radiant" or "luminous." Or you can get even more creative. Go up to a girl, flash a five dollar bill, tell her you're about to pick 15 songs on the Juke Box and you need her help. You will then bond over your shared taste in music and/or debate whether Justin Timberlake truly was the best member of N'Sync. (Lance Bass is SO underrated.) Side note, worst pick up line I ever got: "I promise I won't rape you." Full disclosure: I let that boy kiss me.

6. Try perfecting a British accent. Yes, we're that easy.

5. Don't wear button downs. Button downs are boring. Button downs are douchey. Bars filled with boys in button downs are in places like the meat packing district or the Sunset Strip where cool girls just don't hang out. You know what's SO much hotter? T-shirts, flannels, sweaters, cardigans.

4. Learn to play pool. Guys that play pool don't look like they go to bars to pick up on chicks. They look like they go to bars to play pool. This instantly makes them seem aloof and emotionally unavailable which are two characteristics us females can't resist. It's like our motherfuckin' kryptonite.

3. Come armed with a funny story. If you make us laugh in the first three minutes of our conversation, you've just doubled your chances of scoring. If you tell us we have a great laugh afterward, those chances just tripled. If you tell us we're pretty after that, we'll let you cum on us. Omg, that's so dirty, I didn't mean that, I was just trying to push the envelope, cum belongs in condoms.

2. Don't get wasted. Sweaty, drunk, slurring boys breathing down our necks will just give us traumatic flashbacks of our abusive step-fathers or those husbands we've seen on Lifetime movies. And nothing feels less sexy than suddenly relating to Tori Spelling or Meredith Baxter (Birney).

1. Never EVER do the sneak attack bump and grind. There is nothing grosser than a guy that "covertly" dances with you from behind, hoping that you'll be humping him on the dance floor in no time. Boys--- if this move has ever worked on a girl, it's probably because you either A. Roofied her or B. because she's ugly or C. because you Roofied her.

Stay tuned for our Meeting Boys in Bars dos and don'ts for the ladies, to be published next week.

1 comment:

  1. "But for my younger, cooler, male readers who are still braving the bar scene for pussy (all two of you), I thought I'd give you some words of advice on how to seal the deal with the ladies."

    This is what I get for not reading the Blow Off during finals; I miss my own special shout out (well, ok, maybe the shout out was for SVBachelor and J. Keith Van Rappin, but whatevs).