Tuesday, May 24, 2011

meeting guys in bars: dos and don'ts

There seems to be this misconception that all a cute girl needs to do to meet a guy is stand on the street and the men will just flock. Not the case. Unless that cute girl is a prostitute. Boys think us ladies have it easy, because we're the ones that get pursued and we never have to make the first move. This is all wrong. Sitting around and waiting to get pursued = a lot of cold and lonely nights.

I don't have the patience for that shit. So, here's my top ten list of dos and don'ts for you ladies who remain convinced you can meet a nice guy in a bar (you can) or for the rest of you who are just in need of the hot beef injection.

10. Don't dress like a cheap whore. And don't dress like you've got a chastity belt underneath your khaki's. Guys like to have their cake and eat it too, so try to find a happy medium between Thai hooker and suburban librarian. If I can see your ass cheek, a portion of your nipple, or your thong underwear, then I'm willing to bet the guy you're going home with is the one in the corner with the Ed Hardy T-shirt on. And that's how Herpes get passed back and forth.

9. Maybe you're going through a dry spell and a guy hasn't approached you in a bar in three years, but try not to wear that kind of heartache on your sleeve by panting when someone with a penis looks in your general direction. Play. It. Cool. A little uppity bitch goes a long way.

8. If you are out with ten of your closest girlfriends, divide and conquer. Boys are pussies and nothing scares them more than large herds of women. If you all stick together, you will most likely get ignored or get hit on by overconfident guys that have a striking resemblance to Farmer Ted in Sixteen Candles. My friends used to get mad at me, because I had this tendency to wander around bars by myself. But a girl standing by herself is like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow for a dude. You will get approached.

7. SMILE. I said a little uppity bitch goes a long way.

6. I know this is a hard one, but tone down the dancing skills. I get that your moves rival Alfonso Ribeiro, but most guys can't dance and the ones that can already have girlfriends and are not in the bar you are hanging out at. I for one never follow this rule (the song Club Can't Handle Me was written for me) but do as I say, not as I do.

5. What are you doing out at that bar with your gorgeous best friend? You might as well wear a T-shirt that says "talk to me second." You should only hang out with pretty girlfriends at places like the movies or in the privacy of your own home. Otherwise, you may be on the losing end of Silicon Valley Bachelor's completely sexist equation.

4. Learn to play pool. Seriously, I'm convinced girls that can work a pool cue get the pick of the litter in bars. I suck at pool, but I used to have this fantasy where I'd stride into a dive bar, hustle every hot hipster boy and take their life savings, then make out with the cutest one on the pool table after closing...preferably to the song Mr. Brightside by the Killers.

3. Leave the gays at home. Sorry. They always say they're the best wing peeps, but they'll just take you to one of their bars and make you dance to Lady Gaga and tell you how cute you are when you get too drunk and say things like "all the good ones are gay."

2. If you're just looking for a hook up, pretend like you're going through a break up. In fact, your friends have taken you out to cheer you up post BLOW OFF. This is a win-win for so many reasons. First, it makes you vulnerable which is basically the "Roofie" we like to slip in boys drinks. Second, it makes you a hot commodity...because you've had a boyfriend which means men find you attractive. Third, it's the perfect excuse after you see the guy in the light of day and can't believe you actually hooked up with him. ("I had fun too, but I just got out of a relationship and I'm not looking for anything serious...")

1. Stop standing around waiting for some dude to come up to you. This is 2011, bitches. Make a motherfucking move. Four out of every five times I've met a guy, I've been the one to talk to him first and that includes the dude I'm marrying. And just because I'm so nice, I'm going to share one of my best pick up lines. I was at a bar for a friend's birthday party. She told me every guy there fit into one of the following categories: he was either gay, had a girlfriend, or had hooked up with her already. I went up to a cute boy and said "Julie tells me every guy here is either gay, has a girlfriend, or has hooked up with her before...which category do you fit in?" His response: none of the above. I guess I got lucky. Anyway, it was on. Til the break of dawn. And then I blew him off a couple months later.


  1. hold up on #5. groups of girls are "birds of a feather." 5s hang with 5s. 8s with 8s. i don't think girls stray two points from their hotness. sure there's ONE exception to every group-of-girls rule (a cousin from out of town; somebody's oldest, dearest friend who's visiting from missouri), but mostly this is true. so an 8 may not want to hang with a 10, but definitely doesn't want to hang with a 5. besides your singular looks, you're attractiveness is also judged on by those with whom you associate. if you, as a woman, see a guy 9 hanging with a couple of guy 5s i bet you'd think, "wow, what's wrong with THAT guy?"

    1. As a woman, who's probably a solid 8 on most days, I agree. If I go to a bar, and see a man who's my definition of a 9 hanging around with a bunch of 5's, I'd wonder if he has some kind of personality defect. Like maybe he has trouble communicating. Then again, I might enjoy being with the 5's a bit more. Who knows, right? 5s can dance!

  2. Being the author of the source material for your counter-argument, I disagree with you. 7s and 6s hang (13), but since when have you seen a horde of cattle-grazing 5s or 4s all walk into a bar together? Every group of girlfriends has the REALLY hot friend who does the talking to the bouncer to get into bars/clubs. Everyone wants to be a social climber. As guys, we want our friends to represent as well. But every group of guy friends always has the friend that all the ladies LOVE but will never get with. He's called, "the funny fat one."

  3. "...but since when have you seen a horde of cattle-grazing 5s or 4s all walk into a bar together?"

    in so many words, many times.

  4. Meeting guys in bars in our 20s = Meeting guys at weddings in our 30s???

    Please post something about this, I'd like to hear your thoughts.

    God, dating sucks.

  5. Um, me thinks you should be the one to post something about this. I've never had a wedding hook up before!