Monday, May 2, 2011

the object of my affection. LITERALLY.

If you thought your old relationships left you fragile and full of baggage, then you've never heard of the disorder "objectum-sexuality." I watched a documentary a few years back on object sexuals and it seriously gave me a bad case of the heebeegeebees. Here's the disorder in a nutshell: people who suffer from it fall in love with inanimate objects. Like really in love. To the point where they marry them and hump them.

Usually, these objects aren't just a microwave or a hair brush. Object Sexuals are kind of shallow. They normally fall for iconic structures like the Golden Gate Bridge or the Eiffel Tower. One chick in the documentary was in love with a church banister, but she was kicked out of the church after she was caught rubbing all over it. WTF.

Peeps with objectum sexuality have generally been through a lot. They've sometimes suffered some form of sexual trauma as a child and many also have Aspbergers and are repulsed by human touch. To them, objects are less scary. They can't reject you, they can't hurt you, and they can't get you pregnant or give you an STD. They also can't love you, but object-sexuals don't believe that.

It's kind of a sure proof way not to get blown off...unless of course you're Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer. She fell in love with the Berlin Wall and married it in 1979 (her last name is Berlin Wall in German.) She claims she fell in love with the wall when she first saw it on TV as a seven year old. She started collecting pictures of her crush and saving money to one day visit it in person. Eija was horrified when the wall was torn down in 1989 and felt the Germans mutilated her husband (nevermind that getting rid of it liberated east Germany).

The crazy thing about object-sexuals (or one of the crazy things) is that they're not very monogamous. They have several different inanimate lovers at once. Basically, they're total cheaters and they get away with it, because well, their lovers are inanimate.

If I was going to come down with a bad case of Objectum-Sexuality...I would definitely fall in love with an In & Out Burger. Or the Coliseum in Rome. It's kind of a toss-up.

6 comments:

  1. WIERRRRRD! Cool post though.

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  2. This is my favorite blow off post ever. I think I would fall for pizza and mini notebooks.

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  3. this is even weirder than being a "never-nude."

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  4. hold up. what's a never nude? People who never get naked?? The naked blow off?

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  5. OH MY GOD SARA!!!!
    http://www.ifc.com/videos/arrested-development-never-nude.php

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  6. OMG, HILARIOUS. I haven't made it to the never nude episode. Love it! I think I used to be one.

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