Wednesday, June 8, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

Chris Harrison, fresh from a botox appointment, arrives at the house to deliver a one on one date card. Ben C from New Orleans gets to spend the day with Cupcake and practically creams his pants. Does anyone else get the feeling this guy hasn't been inside of a vagina since the day he was born?

Ash talks about how much she's starting to fall for the men in the house...and says Bentley literally sweeps her off her feet. Oh boy. It's going to be a long show.

Ash picks Ben up in her Maserati and they head to...a dance studio. Yes, that's right. Because if you didn't know it by now, Cupcake's dance moves are unparalleled. She teaches Ben some dance clearly ripped off from the choreography to "I'm a Little Teapot." Let the record show that if Ash and a quadriplegic competed in a dance off, the quadriplegic would win. CUT TO:

The Americana. If you don't live in LA, the Americana is an outdoor mall where NO ONE ever sits on a blanket in the grass and "hangs out." Passerbys take pictures of Ashley, because she's apparently more famous than Angelina Jolie. Cupcake gets the bright idea that she and Ben should do their teapot dance. Ben looks ready to shit his pants, but goes along with it in anyway, because it'll hopefully get him one step closer to losing his virginity.

Holy crap, a flash mob?!?! This means I have to watch a variety of people in all shapes and sizes do the worst dance since the Macarena that was supposedly created by Ashley? Not cool, ABC. Not cool. Ben apparently realizes in this moment that Ash is just the kind of girl he could spend the rest of his life with. Note to contestants: Cupcake didn't plan these dates and she does not really drive a Maserati. She's not lively and spontaneous 24/7. She's in dental school.

The best part of this date is when Far East Movement comes out to sing and Ben tries to grind with Ashley. She could not be less interested in this guy. She doesn't make eye contact with him at all when they kiss! I'm willing to bet when she got home that night she scrubbed her skin raw in the shower and cried like a baby, while holding her knees to her chest.

Bashley get dinner on ABC's favorite rooftop and Ben starts rambling about how he wants to live in a bubble and be the most in love couple in the world and scream "I'm the king of the world" during sex. Note to the dudes: There is such thing as being too much of a romantic or too sensitive. It's just not hot. It's clingy and creepy. Ben is one false move away from saying he'll guard and protect Ashley's heart. Cupcake gives him a rose anyway, but it's so obvious she's doing kegel exercises and thinking about Bentley during their entire date.

Gratuitous shots of squirrels and birds. Then a super dramatic shot of the masked man on the balcony. Okay. Am I really supposed to believe that the crew decided to tape their 10,000th establishing shot of this house just as Phantom of the Opera stepped out onto the balcony? This was clearly a planned shot. You can't fool me, ABC!

Cupcake arrives for the group date and Phantom decides this is his moment to reveal his face. I don't believe it, he actually takes his mask off and no one interrupts! You can tell Ash is not into what she sees. She says Jeff looks a little older than she thought (i.e. ugly)...and while he doesn't have a penis nose like I originally suspected, it is on the large side. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I just really feel for him. He seems so slow and awkward and I worry he will never ever find love.

The guys pile into the car for their group date. They are taken to a comedy club where they meet Jeffrey Ross (whose career has clearly hit an all time low) and are told they will be doing an Ashley roast in front of a sold out audience. More like in front of an audience that was paid to be there, but why split hairs.

William sees this as his big chance to become a stand up comedian. He literally thinks if he makes one or two funny jokes about Cupcake, Jeffrey Ross will take him under his wing and together they will conquer the comedy world. Hold on a second!! I thought William came on this show to find love. Are you trying to tell me he actually came on to do his G.W. impersonation and get discovered? He's like every other person from Middle America that comes to LA and thinks they'll get famous? I don't believe it. I won't believe it.

The guys bomb on stage and basically making 5th grade jokes about Ashley's flat chest. I'm seriously disappointed in these men. Is this the best they can do? I mean, where are the jokes about Cupcake's hooker outfits? Her fake eyelashes? Her shitty ass dance moves? Her bangs??? Total let down.

William isn't even funny except for the dig of all digs when he says all the guys wanted Emily or Chantal to be The Bachelorette. Let's pause for a second. It wasn't just the guys. This is from our very own recap of The Bachelor finale:

...then, I become severely depressed when I find out that Chantal is not going to be the next Bachelorette. That was the only reason I was okay with her not getting the final rose...Turns out, the next bachelorette is going to be Ashley "I'm still in dental school and I say 'like' 8o times in one episode and I now look like a hooker" H. I really don't know if I can watch her. Her face is a herpe on my TV screen.

Anyway, the audience gasps at William's joke even though they don't know who Chantal and Emily are. Cupcake looks like she's going swallow her own tongue. William says "this was was a roast, not compliment Ashley night." He's quickly becoming my new favorite.

Cupcake goes in some dark corner of the club and pretends to ball her eyes out. Seriously, did anyone see real tears??? Bentley sees this as an opportunity to "mess with her head" and pretends to console her. Bent says that he hates when people cry, because it's so unattractive--- and I immediately make the decision to never cry again. What is it with this guy? He's such a snake, but somehow, I'm desperate for his approval.

Anyway, this is one of the best scenes of this episode, because if you go back and watch it again, Bentley looks like he's one false move away from cracking up (especially when he calls her the best dancer in the world.) And then he tells her her tits are great even though they're small and they go into a Beavis & Butthead laugh together.

Side note, I love how Bentley doesn't even have the stamina to fully enunciate when he's around Ashley. It's like she's not worth exerting the energy to form actual words.

Ash continues to humiliate herself by saying that Bentley really knows how to comfort her and he's real and blah blah blah. Wow, this girl is making Ali Fedotowsky look like a freaking rocket scientist. Can we just take a moment to acknowledge that she was already told he had ulterior motives, but she's still giving him the "please, can I suck your dick" eyes. Sad, sad, girl.

Rooftop time! This season is super low budge. Where are the helicopters? Cupcake tells all the guys that she was really insecure about the fact that everyone would be disappointed that Emily wasn't the bachelorette and that's why she got so upset at the roast. I guess I give her a little credit for being honest, but I wish she would have just played it cool. Plus, am I the only one that thinks Emily is kind of lame and boring? All the girl does is talk about her dead boyfriend and little Ricki. New topic, please.

William apologizes to Ash and tries so hard to shed a tear, he accidentally poops his pants. He tells her to go hang out with the other guys and then runs away to get the poop out of his boxers. The dramatic shots of him walking around Hollywood are so fantastic. The only thing that would be more dramatic right now is if he got gang banged by a motley crew of tranny hookers. Um wait, is he actually sitting at the bus stop? Willy, this is LA. You can't take the bus back to the valley.

I know the key moment of this episode is when Bentley blows off Cupcake, but let's not brush over my other favorite scene. The formerly masked man tells Ashley he adopted a three legged dog that was abused...and she once again looks like she's doing kegel exercises while thinking about Bentley. Stop with the kegels, girlfriend...the man does not want to fuck you.

After William waits for the bus for a REALLY long time, he decides to go back to the party. Gay Ryan lies and tells Ash that she was the person he wanted to be here, but we all know he's hot for Harrison. Needless to say, he gets the rose.

Back at the house, JP gets the next one on one date. Is it just me or does this guy get more and more attractive? Best. Smile. Ever. He's my number one, next to Bentley of course.

This is seriously the group date that never ends. Another gem of a scene between Bentley and Ashley. She tells him that before she arrived she heard Bentley was just on the show to promote his business and that she should watch out for him. This is where Bentley really proves he has super powers. He basically says NOTHING to reassure her and she still gets really happy and LITERALLY bats her eyes at him. She then says "I feel like I can trust him forever." The woman's movement just took two giant leaps backwards.

BTW, what is this business Bentley is promoting? The business of being a total bad ass?! I know you guys might hate him, but I'm totally enamored. I guess I find him completely fascinating. The man is a master manipulator. His imaginary daughter is going to have the most fucked up relationships ever!

Cupcake paces by her swimming pool and gets a massive headache from trying to make it look like she's forming thoughts in her brain. She, no joke, actually says she totally fell in love with Bentley last night and that if it were up to her, she'd grab Bentley and go to Salt Lake City. WTF? How many days have they even been filming this shit? I'm guessing less than a week. She's basically had three conversations with the dude and she's in love with him? The man is not THAT hot. Bitch deserves what's coming.

Bentley breaks all of our hearts by deciding he's bored being on this show. Cupcake isn't his type. He wants to get on the first plane back, ASAP. The look on formerly masked man's face is priceless when Bentley tells him he's leaving.

I LOVE that Bentley's excuse for departing the show is that he misses his daughter. He calls the rest of the guys tools for believing him. Then he says he is not attracted to Ashley at all and would never fall in love with her. Someone tell me this girl has been on suicide watch since this episode aired.

Another classic Bentley line: I'm gonna make Ashley cry, but I hope my hair looks okay.

I am so depressed he's leaving. This show is going to suck the big one without him. That said, I can't wait for the Men Tell All special. That shit is going to be off the hizzy!

I don't even know what to say about the scene where Bentley lies to Ashley and tells her he's leaving because of his daughter. The guy actually said in his interview that Emily was such a stand out that Ashley looked like an ugly duckling compared to her! Snap!

Side note, what was up with Bentley saying he's freaking out in his head and needs to "poop it out?" I think he might be a little Autistic. As soon as he walks into the door, Ash is on him like white on rice. Note to Cupcake: humping a guy the second he walks through the door is not attractive. I mean, someone obviously didn't hold her enough as a little girl.

Ashley can't stop crying when she learns her future husband is leaving. Bentley lies and says how hard this is. She does the classic Bachelorette move by wrapping her legs around his waist. Ugh! This dude is Satan! He actually tells Ash that this is just a " dot dot" to their relationship and not a period. I would give anything to be a fly on the wall when Ash watched this episode. I mean, what did her face look like when she heard Bentley say she's not someone he's smitten by, but the type of girl he would hook up with "now and then". hahahahahahaha. Thanks to our loyal reader achoochu for sending me Ashley's account of how she felt watching last night's episode. It almost makes me feel bad for her. (good news though! The blog post says this won't be the last we see of Bentley. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!)

Anyway, Bentley leaves and Ashley gets under the covers and sobs her head off. Now, I finally understand why ABC wanted her to be the Bachelorette. She's a train wreck.

P.S. Why is there a container of Vaseline right next to Ashley's bed? Did she let Bentley stick it in her butt and that's why she's this upset?

P.P.S. Even after Bentley leaves after "two weeks" (or four days depending on the production schedule), Ash still doesn't think he was just there to promote his business? That's exactly what Mich-Hell told her he was doing. How much dumber can this girl get???

Poor JP has to go on a date with Cupcake when she's all bent out of shape over Bentley. She's really scared now that she won't find her husband after all. Clearly, JP is a knight in shining armor. Not only is he totally sweet to her, but he also puts up with her whiny ass bitch face. They have a little pajama party and although it pains me to say it, Cupcake looks the cutest she has all season in her glasses and pajama pants. I actually really like these two together. I can't for the life of me figure out why he's on this show. I really want him to be the next Bachelor, but I heard from a reliable source that Aames (AKA date rapist) wins that title.

JP gets a rose and Cupcake makes me proud for the first time when she votes for JP over Bentley in the kiss department.

Rose ceremony time. Just when a very tiny part of me the size of a hair follicle was starting to like Ashley, she makes me hate her all over again with what should honestly go down as the most HIDEOUS Bachelorette outfit of all time. We're talking skanky short sequined dress that only accentuates Cupcake's lack of boobage...AND a hideous fake necklace. I can't even think of a funny enough simile for what her make up looks like. Nevermind. I can. She looks exactly like that chubby lady from The Drew Carey show.

Chris Harrison lays down the law for Ash and basically reads her an excerpt from the book He's Just Not That Into You. For once--- and I can't believe I'm saying this--- I kind of like Harrison. You can tell it's taking all his will power not to slap the shit out of her.

Dr. Ashley is too upset to have a cocktail party and wants to go straight to the rose ceremony (AKA, the show is already running long and they know they'll never have time to include a rose ceremony). The show tries to build suspense and make us think that William is getting the boot, but cute dimples trump everything and he gets a rose. Poor Jeff (Formally known as the masked man) gets ousted along with some guy that I swear I have never seen before in my life. I for one can't believe half the guys didn't walk out after seeing Ash's outfit. How did their penises not instantly fall off?

Jeff leaves the show and throws his mask into the fire, sending toxic fumes into the environment and hopefully poisoning all the contestants.

That's it for this week. Stay tuned for episode four where Cupcake and her white boys go to Thailand. I cannot wait to see some Asian people on this show!

BTW, if my recaps aren't good enough for you--- good news! You can watch Emily's recaps instead! Here's her reaction to episode 2. Enjoy...Suckahs!

1 comment:

  1. So, she really IS that boring? Good grief. Thanks, ya'll.