Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

WTF is up with the establishing shots of the Bachelor mansion. Did anyone else notice that the paint was peeling and the place looked seriously dilapidated? No wonder ABC is moving these peeps out to Thailand. They've probably all been breathing mold and asbestos!

Cupcake goes for a stroll on the beach and in voice over, we hear her say that she really misses Bentley and she can't stop thinking about him. I'm really going to pray to Jesus Christ that ABC put Ashley up to saying all this so they could amp the tension and keep the spirit of Bentley alive. If this is genuinely how Ash is feeling-- the girl needs a beating.

Speaking of needing a beating, Ash's outfits make Britney Spears look like Blake fucking Lively. We're talking red daisy dukes, a white bikini top, and a wife beater...tied in a knot with some weird cut out hole in it. Is it just me or does she seriously look like a girl in a homemade porno?

The best part of this episode is when Cupcake sits down with Annie the concierge to help plan her dates in Thailand. Ash tells her she has twelve guys coming there and Annie clearly thinks she's dealing with a prostitute. What is the point of this scene? To showcase Ashley's terrible ensemble? To feature an Asian person? No offense to Annie, but we all know the show's producers plan the dates...not Ashley. Halfway through their conversation, I start thinking how much more entertaining the show would be this season if Annie was The Bachelorette instead of Ash. That would be so hot!

The guys arrive in Thailand and Constantine gets the first one on one date. I'd like to take this moment to acknowledge the hotness that is JP. He's like a super manly non-musical theater version of Joseph Gordon Levitt...and I love him.

I'm sorry, but Constantine is NOT HOT. His hairstyle is right out of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. His head is too big and his eyes are set too close together. And every time I hear his name it makes me think of the word "constipated." But I think according to their fashion sense, they are a match made in heaven. Constantine is wearing those Adidas slippers that were popular cirqa 1994.

I love the Thai boat guy that speaks to them in his native tongue and then is like..."the waves are too big, you can't take the boat out." Um, boat guy. Clearly these two are not from Thailand, you could have opened with English.

The obligatory goofy bazaar in a foreign country scene. Cupcake and Constipated try on outfits and talk to a medicine man about love and marriage. (wait, what? He wasn't a medicine man? He just sells incense? Rip off!!!) He tells them not to try and win. Worst advice ever. Everyone knows a relationship is a fight to the death. Anyway, the daytime portion of the date ends with the two of them running down the street for no apparent reason.

Dinner time! Constipated cheers to Ash's great taste in dates. Right. Cause she came to Thailand a week before and did all the location scouting and made all the arrangements. If the girl really had to plan their dates, they'd be drinking margaritas at the nearest Chili's.

Okay, get ready. I'm about to say something nice about Cupcake. She has nice legs. And her boobs are actually bigger than mine.

Constipated seems like a pretty nice genuine guy. Back at the house though, they call him a "gamer." WHAT????? I'm so freaking gullible. He's totally just using his arsenal of lines on her. How are guys with big heads and Adidas slippers still gamers? Men have it so effing easy.

OMG. I love the fake conversation between Ben F, JP, and gay solar panel Ryan back at the house about how hard it is to compete for Ashley. hahahahahaha. This seems very rehearsed and staged to me.

Ash says her date with Constipated was perfaackt. (Thanks Georgia for correcting me on the spelling :) She gives him a rose and says she loves his realness...proving once again that this girl will believe anything you tell her.

Is it just me or is it raining a lot in Thailand, because the country is crying that Ashley and Chris Harrison are there?

Group date time! Cupcake to the guys: maybe some of you guys know, but in 2004 there was a tsunami in Thailand..." SHUT UP. She did not just say that. You know what this means, right? SHE had no idea there was a tsunami in Thailand. The guys learn they are going to renovate (i.e. paint) an orphanage for prop kids hired by ABC. JP says this speaks volumes about Ashley and that she's so selfless for wanting to do this. Uh, bitch had no choice! ABC could tell her to take a shit in her pants and she would do it.

Solar panel gay guy starts rubbing people the wrong way by giving them orders on how to paint. Ben F says there are times when his Ryan meter reaches a max. I'm kind of crushing on Ben F. He has the best commentary on the show so far. Cupcake says the guys are hardcore about this whole orphanage thing and they're not flirting with her. Get over yourself, little miss insecure attention whore.

The fake orphans run out and thank the guys for doing a half assed seizure inducing neon paint job on their orphanage. When ABC, the same network that does Extreme Home Makeover, realizes this is a major fail they book it to the store and buy bikes, hula hoops, and soccer balls.

Side note, is it really necessary for Cupcake to wear daisy dukes and another mid-riff baring 80s top in front of children? No, it's not.

I feel the need to add that Mickey is looking a little hotter to me. I think it's the hat. I dedicate this song to him.

it's time for the group date cocktail party. The guys are all wearing button downs and swim trunks and Ashley? She's wearing a bikini, NO Pants, and some crocheted top that's falling off her. Ashley and Ben F have kind of a cute flirty conversation. He goes in for a kiss and his stock plummets. It's amazing how these guys immediately turn ugly while kissing Ash. I predict Ben's gonna get the rose on this date.

Personally, I think the guys are irritated with Ryan, because he has a really good jobby job. I mean, if you sold cell phones, you'd be intimated by a guy who has his own solar paneling company too.

THAT SAID, when JP and some other guys i don't care about say that Ash will "get it" when it comes to Ryan, I suddenly realize they are speaking in code that she'll get that he's a HOMOSEXUAL. Ryan tells Ashley that he "gets along well with guys" because he's gay!!! God, I want him and Anderson Cooper to get together SO bad. It's killing me!

ABC builds really fake tension by having the guys say that if Ryan gets a rose, men are just going to walk out. Uh, right. JP and Ash dry hump and make out in the rain and aside from her being part of the equation, it's kind of hot. JP actually says to her "are you getting wet?" And I don't think he was talking about the rain. She says his kisses are magical. DUH.

JP picks her up, falls, then picks her up again and Ash waves around her stripper shoes. The other guys start getting really jealous.

Aames gets his one on one date card. Holy crap. ABC is letting her go somewhere alone with a date rapist? That's messed up.

Solar panel Ryan turns out to be a big douche stage five clinger when he pulls Ash away before she's about to give the group date rose. The guys start screaming "Goober" at him. Dude, men. Grow a pair. Goober?! Goober?! That's the only TV appropriate insult you can come up with?

My prediction was right. Ben F gets the rose on this date! Yay!

Aames and Cupcake meet up on their one on one date. Aames looks like a wax figure. I swear, if you put this guy next to a furnace he'd melt away. We learn that Aames has been to Thailand several times alone. Um, classic rich kid who goes to a foreign country by himself to RAPE PEOPLE.

Aames says he's really excited to be spending time with a really charming and beautiful woman. Hold up. Annie is on this date? Nice! Aames tells Cupcake that he came here to climb a mountain and learn how to cook and to rape people.

Another highlight of this episode. Aames: last minute is the best minute. Ash: you're cracking me up today! me: What?

Whitey and Whitey get on a canoe and go in a cave. You know Aames is super upset that the camera men are there, because witnesses are like a major turn off for rapists. Sigh. It's really pretty in Thailand and ABC splurges with an aerial shot. Aames says it's so beautiful that he can't even talk to Ashley (i.e. he doesn't want her annoying voice to ruin the moment.)

Oh shit, Aames has a knife! Watch out Ashley! He calls their date so "otherworldly." Ash tells him he's smooth and Aames says only when he feels inspired. Am I watching the Bachelorette or Gossip Girl? This guy sounds like Chuck Bass. Let's be real here. This man is way too sophisticated and smart for her.

Aames and Ash have dinner and he says all these really nice things about her, like how she looks beautiful on sea or land or dead or alive or from behind. Ash claims they are both nerdy. What is this girl trying to prove? You are not as smart as this guy! I actually kind of like Cupcake when she talks about wanting to expose her kids to more things than she was exposed to. I zone out for awhile until I hear him say "some things are beyond your control." Like getting raped, Aames? Needless to say, he gets a rose. They don't kiss at all on this date which confuses me. I thought no kissing was against the rules.

Rose ceremony time! Finally! Cupcake asks West if he's ready to move on after murdering his wife. Just kidding. That's mean. He tells her that it took him awhile, but he's ready to move forward. He actually gives a really thoughtful answer to this question that pulls at my heart strings. It also makes it completely evident that he is way too good for this girl.

Lucas comes on the screen and I literally fall asleep. How did he not get the boot on the first episode? Snooze fest.

Ash asks Ryan why he seems so happy all the time (i.e. happy = gay.) Why won't they stop beating around the bush. Ryan says he's bursting with a lot of love in his chest. Which I just don't think a straight man would ever say. Then he tells the cameras that he's really happy and guys in the military are always dealing with mortars and...what the fuck does the wars in the Middle East have to do with the bachelorette?

Ashley downloads all the info on her dates to Chris Harrison. Thanks to our loyal reader MB for pointing out to me that Chris "no personality" Harrison couldn't be less interested. You know what, I changed my mind about him. This guy has the hardest job in the world. He has to pretend to listen to Cupcake. He's nodding and saying "uh-huh" but on the inside his soul is dying.

Ash says she wants to break all the rules and add an extra rose to the ceremony which means one guy will really feel like a loser tonight. Ash proves she's callous and shallow by letting poor West go on the night that he opened up to her. Really? She wants to keep around Lucas and bug eyed blondie with the flavor saver? I don't get it.

I actually have to give big ups to Brad Womack, because I think he was a lot more sensitive and tortured about hurting people's feelings and sending them home. Ash could give two shits. Like, if it was Womack, he'd take West aside and have a private conversation with him about why he has to say good bye. Cupcake might as well just say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya."

I don't know why I feel bad for West. The guy dodged a bullet. Ash is gross and he's lucky he's been set free. The sad music and West talking about his wife breaks my heart! WHY? WHY did his wife have to die? It's just not fair. Love you, Wes. You'll find love soon.

Ash toasts the guys and tells them they are going to...wait for it...Chiang Mai! In the previews for next week, we learn some guy went all the way to Chiang Mai to talk to Ash. How much do you think ABC paid Bentley to come back on the show? I personally hope it's actually Womack making an obligatory appearance to give Ashley advice.

Oh, and lastly, when the credits roll, we see Flavor Saver do push ups while Ashley sits on his back. Now, I get why he got a rose. It all finally makes sense.

1 comment:

  1. Oooh! I got mentioned! Ok, enough about me. I love your recaps! They be freaking hilarious. <3