Wednesday, June 22, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

It's Chiang Mai time, woot woot! The episode starts with the guys on the bus headed to what's apparently the most romantic city in the entire universe. A place where you go to fall in love. Um, Ashley could fall in love in a bathroom of a KFC, but whatever.

The best part of the show is when the guys are all hanging out together WITHOUT Cupcake. They're all pretty cute and relatively charming and I find myself getting super annoyed every time Ashley shows up and interrupts their bro time. ABC: genius idea. Make a web series of all the footage of the dudes hanging out with each other without Ashley. Although, I'm guessing the reason they can't do that is cause all the guys do is sit around all day and talk about how annoying Ashley is.

Chris Harrison arrives and explains the intricacies of the game and a 2 on 1 date...proving once again that he is completely unnecessary and overpaid. The guy should just start Skyping in.

Ben F gets the first one on one date in Chiang Mai. I like Ben F. He's exactly the kind of guy I would have been in love with in high school who would ask me to loan him money and do his homework. Ugh, not another marketplace date. I get it. Foreign countries sell cool shit in little outdoor stores manned by super cute old men. Ash tries on some robe and Ben F says he'll buy it for her. The robe then starts screaming: no! Please! Leave me here! I don't want to be wrapped around annoying Ashley for the rest of my life.

I have a mini heart attack when Ben F says he could really see Ash being his future fiancee wife. I remind myself that he makes wine and just wants to follow in the footsteps of Andrew Firestone and become the next Bachelor.

Then, Cupcake and Ben F sit on a bench near a temple and apparently they really want to kiss each other, but there's "no kissy kissy" in front of the temple. So. Instead of walking away to somewhere they can kiss, Cupcake comes up with the bright idea of mentally kissing each other. Which is such a random coincidence, because I was mentally deep throating my boyfriend at the exact same time! I don't think Ashley should be expected to mentally do anything. Her head might explode. Can we all agree this should go down as one of the stupidest moments in Bachelor history? Ben F, you've really let me down.

Dinner time. Cupcake and Ben have this super romantic dinner with candles and flower petals and yet another terrible Ashley outfit. I love that she's trying to pull off the fashionista thing...but she really looks like a Maxximista. Get it? As in TJ Maxx?

Ben tells Ash that he hasn't been emotionally available since his dad died. And then something weird happens. She actually listens to him. Although, she barely asks him any questions about his dad--- what he was like, how he died, blah blah blah. Instead she just says "well, I'm glad you're in a good place now." Once again, this girl makes Ali Fedetowsky look like Mother effing Theresa.

Also, isn't Ben also an IT guy in San Diego? I think they're really overselling this whole wine thing. Wait, I just did a little research and here's the website to his winery. It looks kind of legit, although one thing Ben fails to mention is that he's studying wine making at UC Davis. So, he's about as much a wine maker as Ash is a dentist.

Ben and Ashley kiss, while characters from It's A Small World dance around them and I get so grossed out by their make out session I projectile vomit all over the television. I change my mind. I wish they would just stick to mental kissing. Meanwhile, back at the house Ben C and William learn they'll be going on the 2 on 1 date. This should be interesting.

Group date time! The guys arrive to find Ash sporting a trashy Lululemon outfit. She tells them they're going to learn Muay Thai which is a form of boxing. I don't understand why the producers always have a fighting challenge on The Bachelorette. Girls don't really get turned on by watching men beat up on each other. It's gross to us. Anyway, the guys take their shirts off and start pouncing away. Ames tries to look super awkward and non-violent, because he doesn't want to give away that he's a date rapist. Ryan, the gay solar paneling guy, starts getting really turned on by the boys. Ash proves she's the devil when she laughs at Ames for falling. The guys learn they'll have to box each other and get their very own boxing outfits. Ames, being the polite educated white male that he is, gets stuck with the bright pink outfit.

Ames and Ryan get into the ring and Ryan takes out all his repressed sexual feelings on Ames. It's pretty obvious that Ryan wants to mount him right then and there, but instead he just hits him. Classic repressed homosexual move! Ames gets really hurt. Everyone keeps saying that he's not acting like himself...but he's acting the way he always acts...like a robot. Cupcake's voice over says that she can't watch the rest of the boxing matches, because she's so worried about Ames. She then walks away...presumably to alert producers. But I'm smarter than that. I know Ash just got up to take a shit and had nothing to do with the paramedics getting called.

Ames gets rushed to the hospital and Ashley doesn't even go with him. Um, deal breaker! We have some very dramatic shots of Ames's shorts and feet on a hospital stretcher.

It's the night time portion of the group date and it's readily apparent that Ash is bummed about the Ames thing, because this means the guys might be too worried and upset about their friend to flirt with her. This girl is the worst! I want to go Muay Thai on her ass!

I love when Mickey explains to Cupcake why Mr. Silver Spoon (AKA Ames) couldn't handle a couple of punches, because he's never gotten into a fight before. Mickey, on the other hand, takes baseball bats to people's heads. (Big ups to my man JP for beating him in their fight. Sigh. JP is so dreamy.)

The guys commiserate over Ames and his pink shorts and I KID YOU NOT, Ryan actually says that Ames looked really good in the pink shorts. Um, what straight guy would ever say that? And then when Ames returns, Ryan can't stop smiling. He's totally smitten. I wonder if these two secretly cuddle and fall asleep with their hands on each other's penises. I hope so...

Poor Ames practically has amnesia. He tries to talk to Ashley, but he's struggling. I don't think this has anything to do with this head injury. It has everything to do with how irritating and uninteresting Ashley is. We find out that Ames got a mild concussion. The guy can't even remember he's a date rapist. By the end of the season, he's going to have to start taking Polaroid pics and tattooing his body just to remember where he is. Sucks.

Blake, who until now has been completely pointless, actually has a cute conversation with Ashley where he explains that love is a marathon and not a sprint. Which makes Ashley wonder if what she had with Bentley would have ended up dying anyway.

Except she didn't have anything with Bentley! The guy found like three hundred different ways to call her ugly.

I'm actually starting to like Lucas a little more this episode. I originally thought he was lame and boring, but he cracks some funny jokes and calls Ashley out on her pathetic Bentley obsession. But then she convinces him to teach her to play golf and he basically starts panting. Ashley should just marry the guy right then and there. I think he's the only that actually finds her attractive.

It's kind of sweet that Ash gives the date rose to Blake, because he's the underdog and all...BUT Ames went to the freaking hospital! This girl shows no remorse or empathy. The only reason she gave the rose to Blake is because he's as insecure as she is. And because he's a dentist.

Two on One date time! Cupcake, Will.i.am, and Ben C get on a raft together and I find myself wishing this was Apocalypse Now and that Ashley would get decapitated by Marlon Brando. But it's not. In fact, according to Ashley...the ride on the raft is PERFACKKKKKTTTT.

(Side note, my new favorite thing is talking to the BF as though I'm Ashley. It's super funny, except it gives him erectile dysfunction.)

I really like William. He's super hot and funny and is on the show for the right reasons. To get famous. Ben C, on the other hand, is a total bore. During a picnic, William tells Cupcake that Ben C has been talking about online dating when he gets home. Little Miss Insecure has a panic attack and totally sends Ben C home...no questions asked! OMG. This girl is such an idiot. I mean, don't get me wrong, Ben C doesn't like her BUT this just makes her look so needy and stupid. Even William can't believe how fast she sent him home.

New rule. If you're ever in a dating conundrum...just ask yourself: What Would Ashley Do? And then do the exact opposite.

Cupcake puts on yet another terrible outfit for her dinner date with William. And after William admits for the second time that he's a thirty year old boy, Ashley gives him the boot too. Note to dudes: telling a girl you still feel like a boy and won't be ready for anything serious won't go over well. That was a huge mistake on his part BUT honestly, I think Ash is just lazy and wants to go to sleep and wants to end these dates as soon as possible. She did not have to send the guy home so soon and then throw the rose in a pit of fire. She just wants to get in bed and play with her new vibrator that she named after Bentley.

Back in the car, William says like three or four suicidal things. He actually says he wants to go to bed and never wake up and that he has to go back to his awful life and pretty much calls himself a piece of shit. OMG. This guy needs therapy! Where is Chris Harrison when you need him?! Don't worry, William...move to LA! Your comedy career can still take off (I mean, come on--- we don't think he was actually crying over Ashley, do we?)

I'm sad to see William go. All the funny and entertaining dudes are leaving us. His commentary at the very end of the show was especially hilarious. (Ben C pretending to play piano was awesome too. I think the guys must just put on mini talent shows every time the cameras are rolling to get famous.)

Rose ceremony time. Dare I say it, but...Cupcake actually looks kind of pretty (minus the terrible make up job and the oompa loompa complexion). The guys make their last ditch effort to get a rose. Ryan is a super eager beaver about how much he likes Ashley, but what he really wants to say is "don't you dare separate me from Ames!" Then, JP and Cupcake get some alone time and I kind of want to throttle her, because JP is so hot (and quite possibly actually into her, his only flaw...) but Ashley is still thinking about BENTLEY.

Which is why I love that Constantine pretty much says in this episode that he's not into Ashley at all. And none of the guys seem to disagree with him. Is it just me or does no one like her?!

Chris Harrison and Ash have a long talk and she confesses that she is still obsessed with Bentley and the "dot dot dot" that he put on their relationship. How does Harrison keep a straight face? I would literally be on the ground laughing and peeing my pants at this point. The woman had like three conversations total with Bentley. They never even had a one on one date! Ash says she needs closure and Chris says they'll find a way to get it for her. Here's a suggestion-- instead of flying the guy to Asia, why not just show her the footage of him saying he's not attracted to her AT ALL?!

At the rose ceremony, everyone but Nick gets a rose. Not a shocker. I still can't believe the guy and his soul patch lasted this long. Once again, I'm struck by how easy it is for Ashley to dump people. Notice how she NEVER offers to walk anyone out? The girl is heartless! And brainless!

Next week, Cupcake and her harem go to Hong Kong where she's reunited with Bentley again. I'm really excited for this episode, because it looks like all the guys basically berate her for being in love with such a tool and Ash starts crying. yay!

Maybe she'll kill herself. Fingers crossed!

1 comment:

  1. Lol, I do the same talking like Ashley thing! "Will yah acksept thus ruz?"

    ReplyDelete