Wednesday, June 29, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

Poor Hong Kong. It's been invaded by Ashley "I heart Bentley. I like to play with my bangs. Call me Cupcake" Hebert. Why are there no Asian people running around with surgical masks? Don't they know stupidity mixed with herpes is deadlier than SARS?

This episode begins like most episodes of the season. Cupcake takes a nice pensive stroll in stripper shoes along the streets of HK. I love that the show actually tries to get experimental by showing Ashley standing still, while everyone else around her moves at lightning speed. WTF is this? Garden State?

The guys arrive...*swoon*...I seriously love all the boys on the show. I'm counting the days to the Men Tell All episode. Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what hotel they are staying at. Seriously. The man gets paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to be a travel agent.

Ash gets the surprise of her life when Harrison shows up at her hotel room. She can't believe the man is actually pulling an extra shift this episode. Chris tells her they made good on their promise to get her closure and that Bentley Hong Kong.


Girlfriend is about to start crying. Chris leaves her with Bentley's hotel room #: 4315. I start getting my hopes up that this could be the beginning of a horror movie. Like: ROOM 4315. Once you go in, you end up joining a human centipede and Chantal has to replace you as the Bachelorette. Spoiler alert. That's not what happens.

Cupcake stands outside of Bentley's room 'til she gets the guts to knock. Bentley opens the door and greets her with a kiss. VOMIT. This whole sequence made me cringe. Have I ever been on the Ashley side of things with guys I've liked? How humiliating. Let this be a lesson to all us females. This is what we look like sometimes! Bentley, who is looking extra hot to me, is all kinds of vague with Ashley. Aside from his hysterical interviews, the guy has the personality of dog poop. I have no idea why Ashley fell in love with him. All he does is mumble and smile. Cupcake finally gets fed up with all his wishy-washiness and asks him why he came all the way to Hong Kong instead of just calling her on the phone.

Uh, because he wouldn't be on camera via phone. And he wouldn't get a free trip to Hong Kong. And he wouldn't get a fat check from ABC. Wake up, Ash-fuck!

Bentley finally tells Ash there's no future for them and they put the period on the dot dot dot (which technically, just makes it a dot dot dot dot)

Ashley gives an interview where she says she's finally over Bentley and even says fuck you to him. My boyfriend called me a conspiracy theorist for this, but I'm willing to bet my life on the fact that the interview was filmed two days replace the original one of Ashley crying and saying she'll never be able to get over the Bent-meister. Think about it. ABC has to know the girl is looking like an idiot and they need to save face in order for us to root for her to find her husband, yada yada yada. So, they just put her in the same clothes and had her bad mouth Bentley instead so she'd look all strong and evolved. Those fuckers can't fool me.

Lucas gets the first one on one date with Ashley. Their date was pretty lame. They go through yet another foreign bazaar to try exotic sausage. Then they get on some boat and make super boring small talk. Honestly, I can't remember much about this date and I'm too lazy to watch it again on my DVR...but I'm kind of into Lucas. He's got a Woody Harrelson quality about him. I also think he's genuinely into Cupcake. The story about his ex-wife was such a let down though. The guy gave up zero dish. He was basically like "we fell in love and then we fell out of love." BULL SHIT. Somebody fucked someone else and I want names. Lucas makes out with Ashley after getting a rose and a little piece of me dies. These kisses should come with an emergency warning.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and poor Ryan and Blake are passed over for a one on one date yet again. But who really gives a shit, because this means JP gets the one on one date. He's hands down my favorite. The idea of him going into a fantasy suite with Ashley makes my vagina cry. And not in a good way.

The guys learn on their group date that they are going to be dragon boat racing. They get into pairs and scour Hong Kong for other team members. This is actually kind of an amusing sequence. Probably because Ashley is not in it. Ben F and Constantine team up, making it that much harder to tell them apart. Ames and Mickey (AKA Good Will Hunting) partner up, which leaves Blake with Ryan...his homosexual nemesis!

The guys have a super hard time communicating with non-white people. Which if you think about it, is really stupid because obviously there's a translator with the crew to get all these people to sign releases, etc. I'm pretty disappointed that Ames can't speak Chinese. Um, I thought he went to Harvard.

Gay Ryan really got the opportunity to shine on this mission. Apparently, the people of Hong Kong can't resist those dimples and his Scott Speedman resemblance. Blake is actually happy to be batting on the same team as him. I love how Ben F and Constantine wore cheesy red robes to the race. Funny boys melt my ice cold heart. I would totally let them tag team me.

Ames and Mickey win the dragon boat race and their prize is that they get to masturbate all over Ashley's face. Just kidding. They win a super cheesy dragon trophy. Then, a couple actors hired by ABC get engaged on the beach (b/c nothing says I love you like a dragon boat race on a bad reality TV show.) Ashley swoons and wonders who will get engaged next. Um...not you and Bentley, sweetheart. Why? Cause he thinks you're ugly.

It's the nighttime group date and Ames totally lures Ashley into an elevator. NOOOO, Cupcake! Don't go in the elevator with him. Maybe he's paid the camera man to let him rape you! OMG OMG OMG, Ames pushes button number 48 on the elevator. He's totally going to rape Ashley! Did you see the way he rape kissed her? He's so stiff and polite and Patrick Bateman like, it gives me the heebeegeebees. I still love him though.

Back at the house, JP gets his date card. I have no idea what it said, but I did notice in this scene that he has a nice butt.

Ben F says he's on the path to love with Ashley. I don't buy it. How much extra does ABC pay these guys to say they're in love with Ashley? Ben F, stop the insanity! You could do so much better.

The guys ditch Ryan and go play pool without him, because he's apparently the most annoying person in the world. I can see how he'd be hard to take in large doses, but I don't think it's fair of the guys to be so mean to him just b/c he's gay. They actually say they want Ashley to see Ryan for who he really is (gay) and that they have fundamental differences from him. (They are straight, Ryan is gay.)

But since Ashley has proven she's utterly clueless when it comes to men, she gives gay Ryan the rose. Huge mistake. The man will leave you for Anderson Cooper.

FINALLY. It's time for Ash's one on one date with the hottest man in the world. JP. They do the old hug and lift when they see each other which is the surest sign of love I've ever seen. I'm calling it now: JP will get the final rose. These two actually look good together and he kind of makes me like Ashley. Okay, that's a big fat lie, but there's some serious chemistry here. And for some reason, I think JP is really into her. Which means if his standards are that low, I totally have a chance with him. I really hope he gets a hometown date, because I've got a feeling there are some hot brothers for us to meet.

Side note, do you guys think these guys ask Ashley questions about herself and those clips just get cut from the final show or is there some sort of production rule that only Ash can steer the conversation? Doesn't ABC know that men who ask women questions about themselves are HOT?

Then, Ashley tells JP she's a "nervous rack (wreck)" and that she has to tell him something. No, it's not that she secretly has a penis or that due to her upper lip he will never get a good BJ from her, it's that she saw Bentley. JP's reaction is priceless, but of course he's all kinds of charming and understanding about it, because he is PERFACCCCKKKT! Except for his tiny eyebrows.

I love it when Ash gives him the rose and calls him Jordan Paul. Ugh. Am I actually rooting for these two to get together? Someone slap me.

They go on a tram ride together and then hang out on some balcony with a foggy view of Hong Kong, while a little old man in pink satin plays an instrument. This would have been so much cooler if they had a famous pop star from Hong Kong perform for them. All the traditional eastern music in this episode is kind of driving me crazy. It's like, we get it. You're in Asia. And you feel really guilty about the fact that the show only has white people on it.

Rose ceremony time! I think this little silver ensemble might just win the award for ugliest outfit ever. The guys keep saying how hot Ashley looks. Are they on crack? I swear, this must be like Quantum Leap. Like, we all see Ashley, but they all see Blake Lively.

The best part of this episode, hands down, is when Ashley admits to the guys that she saw Bentley. They are all super pissed! This is why I am in love with all of these guys. They totally let her have it and make her cry. Well done, boys. Well done. Stupid Cupcake thought they'd give her a pat on the back and tell her they are glad she's over Bentley, but they basically think she's a complete douche-tard for hearting Salt Lake. I especially love it when they all discuss how they just sit around waiting to talk to Ashley...waiting in a hospital (poor Ames, mild concussion face)...while Ashley has been obsessing over Bentley the whole time. Good point. What a fucking bitch!

When Ash apologizes to Ames, he says something like how everyone wishes their fairytales could be simple, but that's not the way love works or some shit like that. Why does the guy always have to sound like Confucius when he speaks? Obnoxious much? Lucky for him, Ash doesn't understand a word he says.

Blake, who emerged as one of my favorites in this episode, kind of lets Ashley have it. He basically tells her that he's barely had any time with her and that he think it's weird that she had such a strong connection with a guy that she hardly knew. Ash totally starts to ball her eyes out and Blake has no choice, but to hug her. He seems sweet and he's a dentist. Why won't Ash give him more love???

The person who really won my heart this episode was Mickey. I mean, his Good Will Hunting vibe was already super hot, but now...he's my new hero. He tells Ashley that he has no interest in a girl that wants to be with Bentley and practically begs her to not give him a rose. Cupcake's ego is so bruised that she makes Mickey leave right then and there. The guys watch Mickey take off on a boat with tears in their eyes...and lift their drinks to him. Sigh. These bromances make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Ashley makes a heartfelt apology to all the guys which actually comes off nice and sincere, but if she really wanted to make it up to them, she'd...leave and let them have a dudes week in China. Regardless, the guys are touched and decide to forgive Ashley for being ugly AND stupid. Chris Harrison tries to give Ashley a pep talk, but he decides it'll be way more fun to sabotage her. So, instead he leaves her with these three little words. "Just be Ashley." WORST ADVICE EVER!

Everyone gets a rose except for poor Blake-- proving once again that Ashley is a terrible judge of character. I mean, it's super obvious that Constantine wants nothing to do with her. He's basically told her that. I'm also really getting sick of the fact that this bitch can't even walk guys out after dumping them. She even walked Mickey out and he dumped her! Don't worry, Blake! You can do better. There are a ton of former Bachelor contestants that you will be hooking up with soon.

Next week, the crew goes to Taiwan, but ABC also decides to give the rest of the entire season away. I predict that Ames won't get very far, because they used an old clip of him from Thailand. I predict that JP decides to leave or doesn't get a rose....but ends up coming back? I also predict that neither of the guys want to be with Cupcake at the end and that Ryan and Chris Harrison have hot anal loving in Fiji in a fantasy suite.

Oh, I almost forgot! At the very end of this episode we get to see a clip of Ben F and Ashley revealing the weird voices they use when they talk to their dogs. Ben F's is hilarious and charming and makes him super humpable...and Ashley's is...surprisingly way less annoying than her normal voice. Seriously.

1 comment:

  1. Lol, you are spot on. I like your nicknames for Ashley :) This is weirdest season EVER.