I'd like to start this post by pitching a new idea to ABC. Chris Harrison as the next Bachelor. Wait, what? He's married? Who cares! That could totally be the angle. You know, like how that Jason guy had a kid. Harrison can be the first married Bachelor. He's already fucking all the contestants anyway. What's the difference?
Anyway, this brings me to my least favorite part in every episode where Harrison proves yet again how useless he is by explaining the rules of the game to the contestants. Men who for whatever reason watched the show and already know every last detail of everything works.
The guys anxiously await their one on one date card and it goes to William...you know, the guy with the broken watch and the dead dad and the super hot dimples. I really love his down home Josh Lucas quality, but it's really a shame he sells mobile phones for a living. When was the last time you didn't want to beat in the face of the people at your cell phone provider?
Ugh. Shots of pensive Cupcake (AKA Ashley.) Watching her pretend to think is SO unconvincing. It seems like the theme of this season is "annoying average looking contestant. Super hot men. What will happen?" I mean, really. Did they purposely go out of their way to get men that are way out of Cupcake's league? And before you call me shallow, I would not be saying any of this if it wasn't for the fact that Ash's personality (especially in this episode) is AWFUL.
William and Cupcake take off in a Maserati. All the guys are like totally shocked that she's driving the car, because apparently where they come from, women do not operate vehicles. Ash and William pull up to an airport where they're about to board a private jet. Really, William...you're surprised by the private jet and it's only something you see in movies? No, it's not. It's something you see on every episode of The Bachelorette.
I LOVED that the masked crusader is wearing a beanie. Does he wear the mask while he sleeps? I wish it was a cooler mask. I wish it was a Freddy Krueger mask.
Vegas? Again? I'm kind of convinced they just shot this concurrently with Brad's season. Side note on Cupcake, but I can't believe there's a girl that says the words awesome and cute more than I do. But I sound way less obnoxious when I say them. I swear.
Hold up. Girls are going up to Ashley? She's like a celebrity? When was this taped??? I'm still so confused! This whole celebrity thing is so ridiculous. Seriously, note to ABC-- it does not make Ashley more cool or likable.
William and Cupcake end up "planning" a Vegas wedding on their date. It's the most lame-tastic one on one date ever. It's basically every man's worst first date nightmare. We have to sit through a scene of the two of them getting "married" in a chapel...as Ashley tells us that if she says "I do" she and William will have a legally binding marriage. OMG. Stop insulting my intelligence. I know these bitches didn't fill out any paperwork or get one of those quickie Vegas marriage licenses. This is beyond dumb. Luckily, Ashley doesn't end the show in episode two and marry William.
Will and Ashley say this is the best first date they've ever had...which apparently makes it better than her carnival date with Womack. How could she move on so fast? SLUT!
Right around this point, I get down on my knees and start banging my head against the coffee table, because this girl is so hard to watch that I can't believe I have to sit through like thirteen more episodes of her. See what I go through to write these recaps??
Will & Cupcake have their nighttime date and girlfriend is wearing a serious hooker outfit. That dress is so short, I can see her genital warts.
Dinner in the middle of the famous Bellagio fountains. Wilshey both gush about how beautiful the fountains are. I guess I'm just not a Vegas person, but this is just not my definition of beautiful. I prefer, oh I don't know, Half Dome or the Grand Canyon or the Eiffel Tower. But I guess that's just me.
Things take a serious turn and William tells Ashley about losing his dad from alcoholism. The look on Ashley's face is PRICELESS (pictured above, yes-- I paused it and took a picture of my TV screen.) She seriously looks like she just smelled her own fart.
Ash tells William she can totally relate, because her dad loves beer too. She gives him a rose, they kiss, and then...wait for it...fake fans start cheering for them. Who are these people? If these moments are actually real, ABC needs to start cutting them out of the show.
Group date time! A bunch of guys who are totally indistinguishable from each other show up to Vegas for their group date. Cupcake shows up to greet them and she looks like a cross between Mary Anne from Gilligan's Island and a porn star. I get that the girl is not drop dead gorgeous, but does anyone else get the feeling that ABC is trying way too hard to give her sex appeal? Like, "she's kind of cute...but that's not enough. Let's make her look like a whore."
The guys and Cupcake go to watch a Vegas act put on by America's Best Dance Crew or some shit like that. There are so many cringe-worthy moments in this episode, but this is one of my favorites. Suddenly, Ash gets all sleuth like and sneaks off...then we see her practically sprint back stage, put on some Friday the 13th mask and get up on stage to surprise the dudes...only to like shape her hips twice. Personally, since she's wearing a mask, I'm not even convinced Ashley was the one that did the hip shaking. Why do they keep shoving this dance thing down our throats? It's giving me serious flashbacks of the movie Showgirls!
ABC really dropped the ball at this point. This is a stage show where all the dancers where masks and the MASKED CRUSADER isn't on this date???? WTF?! It would be so awesome if he had to wear a mask over his mask.
You guys are in for a special treat this week. The Fiance watched the show with me tonight and he had some choice words. Here is one of his first gem observations: "These guys are competing for this girl? That's so fucked up."
Because I realize just how much anti-Ashley I am, it occurs to me that Bentley is the best thing to happen to television since Don Draper. He is the dick character in every 80s movie and I love him. His name alone is a character played by James Spader.
The guys are told they have to divide up into two dance groups and perform some sort of dance for Cupcake. The team that loses flies home to LA. Their team names are as follows: Best Men VS No Rhythm Nation. I kind of start getting a crush on West, because he came up with No Rhythm Nation and that's just the kind of ironic humor I'd try to cleverly come up with in a post like this. That said, I could not care less about these ridiculous dance routines. I would rather see Ashley floss these dude's teeth than dance with them.
I have no idea why No Rhythm Nation won, but they did.
Another gem observation from the fiance: "I feel a little gross watching this. And for the record I feel great watching the Real Housewives"
In case you were asking yourself: ASHLEY IS NOT A GOOD DANCER. SHE'S NOT!
West nabs some alone time with Ash and tells her the story of being married before and his wife dying--- making this the second time we've been forced to sit through this sob story. I'll admit, this is sad, BUT I've also seen the movie What Lies Beneath and I'm just not sure I can take West at face value. That said, I love how Ashley looks like she's about to go into a narcoleptic fit every time a guy brings up his sad past. For reals! The girl's eyes glaze over.
Bentley says on national television that he wants Ashley to tickle his balls. Need I remind you, this guy has a DAUGHTER. Yes, a fake ABC daughter, but still a daughter. Side note, sometimes I really wish I had a pair of balls, because I am dying to know what it feels like to have them tickled.
Bentley and Cupcake get some alone time and my future life partner interjects with another wise dude observation about Bentley: "He basically turned the tables around on her to get her to beg him to stay. That's awesome."
As though her terrible dance moves and stripper outfits weren't humiliating enough, Ashley gives the group date rose to Bentley--- the guy who isn't into her, but wants his balls tickled AND NOT the guy with the dead wife. Bentley's response during his on camera interview: "can we just bag this and go play Black Jack." AMAZING!!! How do we get him to be a contributor for this blog?!?
Back at Chez STD, Mickey and JP have to flip a coin to see who will get the next one on one date with Ashley. I'm really upset when Mickey wins, because I love me some JP and I want to see more of him.
OMG. The masked crusader has a sleep mask over his mask. I'm so into this guy. I just wish Ash was the one that had to wear a mask and not him.
Mickey arrives in Vegas to go on his date with Cupcake. Is it just me or is Mickey weird looking and super boring? Plus, his name is Mickey. Not hot, people. Not hot.
M-I-C-K-E-Y has a couple cute witty moments on his date with Ashley, but overall the guy just doesn't do it for me. And all this coin flipping is dumb. He should flip a coin to see whether he should stick his peen in her butt or in her...butt.
EWWWW. Mickey and Ashley go to this fake beach in Vegas where Colbie Caillat sings an annoying song. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate Colbie Caillat's music but is she not slightly too famous to be on this show? Shouldn't they be getting the fifth runner up from like season seven of American Idol? (If someone can look up who that is, I will send you a present. For real.)
It's raining in LA and it's rose ceremony time. Finally. This episode felt like it was five hours long. Dare I say it, but Cupcake actually looks kind of pretty at the rose ceremony.
Ashley and JP make out and his hotness depreciates for me just a little.
William gets a little too cocky for his own good and brags to the boys about having a rose. Now, I'm not so into him. I love that West uses the word "brazen" to describe William's annoyingness. That's so hot. West: +10 points for using sexy words, -5 points for killing his wife= 5 points!
Some random guy with a bad flavor saver who I can't believe is still around tries to teach Ashley (The dancer!) how to line dance. Just before I fall asleep during this scene, William shows up to talk to her and steals her from faceless nameless line dancing guy. Oh, no he didn't! This is unfair. There should be a rule that a guy who already has a rose can't get alone time with the Bachelorette during rose ceremony night. Give the other brothers a chance!
It's the moment we've all been waiting for. The Masked Crusader decides he needs to show Ashley his face. Please let him have a facial deformity, like a nipple on is forehead!! Here we go again, sob story #427. Masked guy had a brain hemorrhage that fucked him up for a long time.
Ashley tries to act like she's listening, but we all know she's really thinking about the benefits of anal bleaching. I mean, let's be real here--- Ashley is not going to end up with Phantom of the Opera. And in true TV fashion, just as the mask is about to come off, Ashley and Jeff get interrupted by some other dude and we're really supposed to believe this was a total coincidence and not completely orchestrated. Like Ashley really couldn't be like "sorry, dude. Give me five minutes with Phantom, he's about to reveal himself." No, instead-- she's just like "sorry masked man, gotta run." As if!
William fills Bentley in on his date with Cupcake and tells him about tasting wedding cakes and looking at rings. Get ready for it. Here comes the best quote in all of Bachelor(ette) history. Bentley: I would literally rather be like swimming in pee than planning my wedding with her. HOLY HOTNESS! I love how this guy is so open about being not into this girl at all.
Rose ceremony time. Once again, a few guys I've never seen get roses. Who the fuck is Nick and Lucas?! Yahoo, masked crusader gets a rose! JP acts all cute and charismatic when he gets his rose, I heart him. Honestly...I hardly even remember who had to leave this episode. I think it was the guy who called his mom in the first episode and made her talk to Ashley (rookie mistake) and two other whities.
Next week looks like one of the best hours on television since the finale of Oprah. Apparently, this is the episode that Bentley tells Cupcake she's about as pretty and interesting as a pet rock. It also looks like she cries twice. Ashley, a great big thank you from me and every other girl watching--- we finally know how unattractive it is to be insecure. We will never act like you again.