Monday, June 6, 2011

the "i don't feel sorry for you" BLOW OFF

Dear John Edwards,

I don't feel sorry for you. You could have been a contender. You could have been President. But instead you've been indicted by the Federal Justice Department. You cheated on your cancer stricken wife with a woman that could quite possibly be awarded the superlative "most obnoxious mistress" (whose real name btw, is Lisa Jo Druck.) And even if the rumors are true and Elizabeth was a power hungry bitch, it doesn't matter. You want to know why? Because cancer trumps power hungry bitch.

You admit that you fucked up, but you claim that you didn't use campaign funds to hide your affair. In the words of Seth Meyers, Really? Really? I mean, you put the woman on your payroll as your campaign "videographer" AFTER you fucked her. And did anyone see those videos? They look like they were put together by a ten year old who just learned how to use Final Cut Pro.

You fathered a child with your mistress and lied about it to everyone, including your own family. Your dying wife filed for legal separation, so she could divorce you even though her days were numbered. So, I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for them. And, if you did indeed break the law, I hope you go to jail and become a symbol for all the morally bankrupt politicians out there. And when you're in the slammer, here's hoping some guy with a face tattoo makes you his bitch. But don't worry, I suspect your girlfriend is exactly the type of woman that writes letters to inmates in her spare time.

Sincerely,

The BLOW OFF

3 comments:

  1. thank you for this post. i have been waiting for you to say something.

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  2. I have always hated that man. He looks like a freaking Ken doll, and I do not trust men with a plasticky lump where there should be genitalia.

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  3. genevieve, that's hilarious. out with the plasticky lumps!

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