Wednesday, July 13, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

Aside from a couple very awkward moments, this was probably one of the more boring episodes of the season. Sigh. How I miss Bentley and Phantom of the Opera. Those were the good old days. I want those guys to have their own buddy sitcom, stat. Anyway, I will make my best effort to make this post entertaining. And we do have a lot to go over. For starters, Ashley's back now gets more screen time than her face.

The episode begins with the men arriving in Taiwan to reunite with their one true love...Chris Harrison. We learn there will be one group date and three one on one dates in this episode. Hmmmm. And an interview with Emily at the end? Their gonna have to keep this shit tight.

Constantine gets the first date card and his disappointment's palpable. I'm pretty sure he keeps his fingers crossed every time a date card arrives that his name isn't on it. You know he'd rather just hang out with his bros then have one on one time with Cupcake. He gets dressed...reluctantly...and JP quietly fumes. This is that time in the season when we have to listen to contestants bitch about how hard this is and how they don't want to share the bachelorette with other people. This is as annoying as listening to "famous" people (ahem, Emily) complain about paparazzi in the bushes. You knew what you were signing up for, Barbie!

Ash informs us at some point that Taiwan is one of the hidden gems of Asia, because not a lot of people know about it. Translation: she'd never heard of it before doing this show. Constantine shows up to their date and I'm instantly confused by Ashley's outfit. Last time I traveled through another country, I left my stripper shoes, yeast infection inducing tight jeans, and backless shirts at home. This is not appropriate sight-seeing attire. Honestly. I didn't know how good we had it when Ali Fedotowsky was The Bachelorette. She wore low top Converse and sandals. Ali! Come back! I miss you! I blame the network. I'm guessing they probably threw these outfits at Ali and she was smart enough to say I WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A WHORE on national television. You just know underneath all that clothing, Ash-tard has a rose vajazzled on her twat. And Chris Harrison's face.

Ashley and Constantine take a train ride together. It's so obvious the only reason she's into him is b/c she thinks he's hot. I don't see it. Seriously. If there was a Princess Bride remake, I feel like Constantine would totally get cast as Andre the Giant. And Ash would play that weird crusty man-woman that lives in the tree and tortures Westley.

The train ride ends and Ash informs Constantine that it's the day of the lantern festival. She asks him if he knows what it's all about and he says: something about lanterns? No shit! Apparently, you write a wish on a lantern and then release it into the sky. Con-Ash paint their lantern together. Raise your hand if you think the big friendly giant's wish was for Ashley to go away? He comes up with "family" and Ashley-- stunned by his creativity-- says "good one!"

Constantine is pretty much grasping at straws to make it seem like he's into Ashley. He keeps saying things like he COULD fall for her. Sure. And he could also win the lottery, get struck by lightning, or become President of the United States. All things likelier to happen than him falling in love with Ashley. I also love it when he says "I'm open to the idea of marrying Ashley." And I'm open to the idea of never shaving my legs again. It doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

Back at the house, the date card arrives and Ryan's devastated to learn that he's still not getting a one on one date. Why is he upset? Doesn't he know he's the luckiest guy on this show? He's had to spend the least amount of time with a girl who will most likely become an amateur porn star after this. Ryan, all the other guys are going to go home with STDs. You're not. How is that for a silver lining?

Constantine and Ashley have a romantic dinner and FINALLY we get to hear a guy ask Ashley a question. Except the question is---what do you like about ME? She says she's attracted to him physically (duh, she's shallow) and that he doesn't sell himself to her. This girl is such an idiot. He doesn't sell himself to you, because he couldn't be less interested. The only reason he probably wants a hometown date is because his mom would be really excited to be on TV. And he's hoping his family will book a reality show on TLC called My Big Fat Greek Family.

The one thing I actually liked about this date is when Ashley gushes about Constantine remembering pieces of their previous conversations. Listen up, boys. For whatever reason, this is hands down one of the hottest things a guy can do. And it's so easy. All you have to do is listen and commit things to memory.

The other best part of this date is watching all the lit lanterns float to the sky. It's actually really beautiful and probably terrible for the environment. I'll admit, I do enjoy the travel element of The Bachelor franchise. I just wish during her trip through Asia, Ash would accidentally cross the border into North Korea and never be heard from again. Until Ames got his daddy to pull some strings and set her free. Except that by then it would be too late and Ash would still never be heard from again.

Overall, I give this date a 3 out of 10. They are a total snoozefest as a couple and Ash just wants to boost her self esteem by dating a hot guy who actually looks like a Greek Paul Bunyon.

Time for Constantine's twin brother Ben to go on a date with Ashley. I believe this is the guy our loyal reader Cathy referred to as the Geico Caveman last week. Super good call! I instantly get "front runner" vibe when Ash and Ben see each other. Ash looks kind of cute...if cute was what Britney Spears looked like when she was going through her nervous breakdown. They hop on a Moped and go for a drive. But don't get your hopes up. They do not drive off a cliff and plummet to their death.

Ben F says that the date felt like a fairytale. And here all this time I thought Ryan was gay. What is with these straight guys talking about fairytales??? Ames did the same thing in the last episode. Hopefully this is just further proof that ABC feeds them lines and that this is just some subliminal campaign to get us to spend our hard-earned dollars at Disneyland.

Hmmm...I think Ben could be the big winner here. Ash even says that he feels like her boyfriend. And I am getting a serious couple vibe from them. I have no idea why Ben is falling for her. Clearly, Ashley did more than mentally kiss him in Thailand. She totally let him mentally cum on her face!

Back at the house, Ryan finally gets a one on one date and he's so happy he practically farts sparkles (that one's for you, Leticia). He is just so corny and the other dudes want to beat him with a stick, but don't want to get accused of being gay bashers.

Ben and Ash have dinner and she decides to wear a prom dress straight off the racks of Wet Seal. She tries to pretend she knows a thing or two about wine and Ben suppresses the urge to tell her to shut her dumb mouth. I used to like Ben, but now that he says he's falling in love with Ashley his stock has really plummeted. All I can hold on to is that maybe he's just hoping to make it to a hometown date, so he can get as much screen time for his wine as possible. Wait, that's totally what he's doing! What a relief. We can all breathe again.

The next morning. The guys are all kinds of butt hurt, because Benny Boy still isn't back from his date! Um, he got laid. I do not buy that they slept in separate bedrooms and nothing happened. He's got "I stuck my finger in her butt" written all over his face! Trust me. I know that look when I see it. Poor JP feels really jilted. He gets all red and quiet. Stop it, JP! I need you to be hotter than this. Pull your shit together!!

Group date time. Lucas, Ames, and JP learn they are going to be taking wedding pictures with Ashley. And they look about as excited as three guys who've just been told they have to spend the rest of their lives in that shed Jaycee Dugard lived in.

Lucas has to wear traditional Chinese garb which he refers to as a dress. Ames manages to look hot in a baby blue and pink tux with feathers. WTF. Why do they keep putting this guy in the worst outfits? And then there's JP in a black tuxedo. Hubba hubba.

JP's hotness quickly subsides when he starts getting all crazy jealous over Ashley getting her picture taken with the other guys. Normally, this would be hot, but this is Cupcake we're talking about. I think I'd be more okay with this if he were crying over Heidi Montag. Ash's first two outfits are kind of cute, but what is up with that terrible wedding dress they put her in? A tiara? A choker? What is this, Melrose Place?

Of course, JP's insecure act totally pays off when Ashley gives him a rose--- that's basically how every single guy on a group date has secured a boutonniere. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad JP got a rose, because I like staring at his face and I'm expecting to meet some hot brothers next week-- but I can't help feeling bad for Ames and Lucas. I mean, Lucas had to dress like a China man! That's like the worst thing you could do to a potentially racist red neck from Texas! But I especially feel bad for Ames. He just got through showing Ashley all these family photos and he still didn't get a rose.

I don't know what it is about Ames. I'm not getting a date rape vibe in this episode. And I'm also not getting a good read on how he feels about Ashley. I really feel like the giant twist at the end of this season is that we're going to find out Ames is a robot. and that his little sister is Vicky from Small Wonder. And that when he got a mild concussion and couldn't talk to Ashley, it was actually an electronic malfunction and they had to rush him to that same lab where Steve Gutenberg invented Johnny Five in the critically acclaimed film Short Circuit.

Oh no, I'm getting nervous. From the preview, it looks like Ash is actually going to dump Ryan on the very one on one date he's been waiting all this time for. Please, God. Let me be wrong.

Um, if Ryan knew what was good for him, he'd be the one to dump Ashley after seeing her in the world's most inappropriate outfit ever! Tight low rise white jeans and a shirt that's not really a shirt, because it only has a front side. Who picks these outfits? Those tops weren't even in style during the 80s. Listen carefully, ABC--- showing us Ashley's back is not going to distract us from her face. That's right. I said it!

But Ryan doesn't dump Ashley. Instead he gets way too excited to go to this temple with her. The poor locals chant about how they've seen tranny hookers classier than Ashley. Next, Solar Panel and Cupcake watch some people do Tai Chi and once again, Ash proves she's a complete ditz, because she has no idea what the hell Tai Chi is all about. Ryan very nicely schools her on the topic.

Then, Ash and Ryan have lunch and he makes a huge error in judgment when he asks her a question that has nothing to do with love or marriage. He asks her what her relationship to the environment is. I'm guessing based on previous interactions, he got the feeling she knows as much about climate change as she knows about Tai Chi. Ash responds with some super lame story about getting dumped by a guy after she didn't recycle (Ash, that was just the excuse he gave you. The plastic bottle was the perfect out!)

Then, the ho bag asks Ryan for some handy green tips and he decides that now is the time to preach about WATER HEATERS. Nail, meet coffin. Ashley's eyes seriously glaze over, but luckily she can distract herself with Keggle exercises. Just as Ryan gets to the good part, ABC totally drowns out his water heater lecture with Ashley's annoying voice over. Shoot! Now, I'll never know what we're supposed to do with water heaters. Keep them running all the time I'm guessing.

Anyway, then Ash dumps poor Ryan before he can swallow his first bite of dim sum. This was so hard to watch. The look on Ryan's face...the guy was clearly humiliated and devastated and really upset he wouldn't get to finish his lunch. He looks right at Ashley and says "you don't want to meet my family?" My heart totally broke for him. He's totally blindsided. There was no rose on this date. He was supposed to be able to breathe easy. But Ashley pulled the rug out from under him. Heartless bitch!

Now, can anyone explain to me why Ash thinks it's more humane to dump Ryan in the middle of a date instead letting him down gently at the rose ceremony? Why would she think this was remotely better?! Letting someone go during a date is basically saying "I can't stand the sight of you. Git!" At least at the rose ceremony, he wouldn't be the only one getting dumped. Safety in numbers!

Ashley and Ryan say their good byes and he totally breaks down during his exit interview. He can't get the words out. He lets out a sob and says he really wants to meet someone and be a dad, blah blah. Come on, Ryan! Don't do this to yourself. She's not worth it. Trust me. Just come out of the closet already. I promise, it gets better.

Next, Ryan walks around the streets of Taipei in a total daze, then has to hail a cab home, because apparently once you get dumped ABC is no longer responsible for you. In honor of Ryan, let's all turn our water heaters off when we go to sleep tonight. Solar panels 4-eva!

Rose ceremony time! Oh, thank God. The props guy remembered to bring the framed pictures of the guys. Taiwan just wouldn't be as beautiful without them. Ashley dons yet another terrible pageant gown. I'm so at the end of my rope with the wardrobe on this show. It's worse than the shit the contestants on American Idol wear. For once, I'd like to see a girl show up to the rose ceremony in jeans, a tank top, and no clown make up.

Big surprise. Ashley tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't need a cocktail party, because she already knows who she wants to shit all over, and because ABC still has that Emily interview they need to squeeze in. (Can we all agree Ash was probably crying over Queen Emily taking some of her screen time away?)

It's no big shocker. Lucas gets dumped just as I predicted last week. I was wrong about Ames not making it to this round. I clearly underestimated the strength of his robotic powers. I don't know about you, but I for one am super excited for all the inappropriate outfits Cupcake will be wearing to her four hometown dates. Somebody's dad is totally going to get a boner!

All right, on to the Emily interview. This whole thing was total horseshit. If you are an Emily fan, you need to get your head checked. First of all, I love how ABC treats this like it's on par with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up. There is nothing shocking about this split.

Emily makes a very dramatic and unnecessary entrance via limo. Throughout the whole interview, Chris looks like he's got a killer case of diarrhea and that if Emily doesn't shut up soon, he'll shard all over the place.

As expected, Emily gives us zero insight on the break up with Brad. Instead, she just says they really loved each other, that she'd never met a man like Brad (Poor Ricky the race car driver is rolling in his grave), and that she will always be in love with him, but they just couldn't make things work. That explains nothing! Then she starts talking about how dealing with the fame has been really difficult. What fame? If I knocked on all of my neighbors doors right now and asked them who Emily Maynard was, they would have no fucking clue who I was talking about. Ugh! I'm so sick and tired of people who bitch about being famous DURING an interview on television. If getting recognized sucks so bad, then stop going on TV. Plus, I hardly think paparazzi actually hid in the bushes of Austin to take her picture. Em claims this is the last time she'll discuss the split (not including the interview she did with People Magazine, of course) because break ups are hard and no one likes to talk about them repeatedly. So, I guess your fiance dying in a plane crash was way less hard, because you talked about it ad nauseum? Whatever. Emily has no credibility with me. Especially since we all know she's going to be the next Bachelorette.

And now, for no apparent reason other than it was mentioned earlier, here's the trailer for Short Circuit.


  1. Seriously, I can't believe Ames/Toxic Avenger ("Toxie") made it this far!,r:2,s:0

  2. LOL! I was trying to remember what that other nickname was. He is forever Toxie, we must post this picture next week.