Wednesday, July 20, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

It’s hometown date night. This is by far my favorite part of The Bachelor franchise. It’s also Chris Harrison’s favorite part, because he gets to do even less than he does every other week. I don’t even want to know how much this guy gets paid per minutes of screen time. Damn you, Harrison! Why isn’t the voodoo doll I made of you working?

Anyway. The episode starts with Ash back at home in Philly. Her place basically looks like George Clooney’s apartment in
Up in the Air. And it’s tiny. No wonder this girl agreed to do the show, bitch needed the cash! We get a boring little recap of how Cupcake feels about her four boyfriends.

Constantine. We get it, Ashley. He’s everything you wanted physically in a guy. This girl is so shallow. Who runs around with an image in their head of exactly what they want physically? If he’s got a working penis and isn’t morbidly obese, sign me up! I really wish Ash could say exactly what she’s thinking--- she’s keeping Constantine around ‘til fantasy date night so she can fuck him proper.

Ben F. I still think he’s the frontrunner. Think about it. He kind of looks like Constantine, but instead of working in a totally generic pizza place in Cumming, Georgia that people only go to when they’re poor or can’t get a reservation anywhere else…Ben has his own winery in Sonoma. AND some tech job in San Diego that he never seems to talk about, but who cares. Ashley hasn’t even finished dental school.

Ames. Unique. Humble. Smart. These are the adjectives Ashley uses to describe him. This guy is toast.

JP. Oh man, his hotness keeps catching me off guard. She says she feels like she’s known him forever. That’s exactly how I feel about him!!! Like I’ve known him since I was a fetus and he was a four year old.

Ash packs a bag (yeah, cause she actually wears her own clothes?) and hails a cab to Georgia. Did anyone else think she actually looked kind of cute in that dress she was wearing…which the show’s wardrobe department probably had nothing to do with?

First hometown date! Ash arrives in Orgasmville, oops, I mean Cumming, Georgia where she’s reunited with Constantine in some random park. I love how she frolics toward him and he totally takes his sweet time getting to her. You know the guy just wants to hang out with his family and is super annoyed he has to bring Dental Hygienist along for the ride. First, Constantine takes Ashley to his family restaurant in a strip mall and teaches her how to make pizza. Apparently, it’s all about the arrangement of the pepperoni. They have lunch outside and drink what I imagine to be pretty watered-down house Chianti. A couple cute waitresses work at Constantine’s restaurant and when I asked the fiancé if he thought Connie had penetrated any of them, he said--- without missing a beat--- “definitely.”

My favorite part of this entire episode might have to be the shot of all the waitresses looking out the window at Ash and Constantine and fawning over how cute they are together. This was so cringe worthy and embarrassing and so super set up. And is just salt in the wound to these ladies who once let Andre the Giant stick it in their butt holes.

Constantine finally takes Ashley home after putting it off for as long as possible. OMG. His family hung a banner outside the house for him. I love them already. Constantine’s family is super cute and super Greek. I’m instantly obsessed with his father Dimitri. I want to call him every time I need advice on my love life. I want him to have his own talk show and his own column on The Blow Off. And I want to pinch his cheeks.

I hate to say anything nice about Ashley, but I have to give her a little credit for being nice and pleasant with all these families. If I had to meet four families in one week, I’d be a raging drunken bitch by the last house. Even if I was getting paid $100K a pop. She’s kind of an evil genius when it comes to these mothers too. Did you notice how she got Constantine’s mother to believe that she would actually move to Cumming, Georgia and that she wasn’t just keeping her son around for a hard core boning?

In the end, Constantine’s family wins him a lot of points. They’re loud and boisterous and right out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, minus an appearance by Joey Fatone. I also find it a little suspect that they gush over Ashley for catching on to their traditional Greek dance so quickly, because “she’s a dancer.” Um. That dance did not look hard at all. Even Stephen Hawking could do it.

Time to go to Chadds Ford, PA to meet Ames’s family. Here’s what I wasn’t surprised by: Ames’s family has an indoor swimming pool, they all talk like they’re reciting an essay, and they don’t like to discuss the fact that Ames is a robot. Here’s what I was surprised by: Ames doesn’t have a rich powerful father that bails him out of date rape charges. In fact, both his father and stepfather died of cancer. Tears! His poor mother! Another surprise was that they’re all slightly inbred looking. Did you notice that ABC cropped Ames’s brother out of every shot? It’s like Deliverance meets Ordinary People in Chadds Ford!

In all seriousness, I really liked Ames’s sister—Serena Van Der Woodsen. She was smart and direct with Ashley. I also loved that she told Ames that Cupcake was closer to the other guys than him and they had a full on strategy session on how he could fix that. I’m willing to bet my life that a power point presentation was part of this sequence and it ended up on the cutting room floor.

The one thing that really confuses me about Ames is when he describes Ashley as brilliant. What kind of girls has this guy been dating? Is he like trolling the halls of Special Ed classes? The man went to Yale, Harvard, and Columbia. How could he possibly think Ashley is brilliant? If he went out on a date with me, he’d probably tell me I was the female Mark Zuckerberg.

Ames decides to play the romance card and takes Ashley to meet his favorite Magnolia tree. They have a picnic and Ashley tells him he’s unlike any guy she’s ever met. Ames accidentally misinterprets this as a good thing. He tells her some story about the Italian Renaissance and Sprezotoro-something and I literally rewind this sequence and make the fiancé watch it twice, while informing him that we’ve reached the point in our relationship where I need him to start talking to me exactly like this.

Ames uses some adjective to describe their date that no one ever uses in daily conversation—like magnificent or enticing or splendid.

Off to Sonoma, CA. Northern California, REPRESENT! Even though I’m still not convinced Ben F is a legitimate wine guy, I’m super into this whole set up. Ben and Cupcake start their date off with a picnic and he pours wine for them out of his own barrels. SEXY. Except, I think Ben makes wine the same way my uncle does (in his backyard) and that this is some stranger’s winery that ABC got a permit to use. Sorry to ruin it for you.

Side note, how many of you think Ashley and Ben totally effed in Taiwan? The way they talk about their last date…it’s so obvious something went down. Someone got fingered and someone got their dick sucked and I’m not telling you who did what.

I hate how Ashley makes such a big deal about the fact that Ben F has only brought one other girl home to meet his family. I don’t think that’s weird. Ashley needs to stop judging. Just because she brings home every guy that Facebook friends her doesn’t mean the rest of us have to.

After their picnic, Ben takes Cupcake to his mom’s house. Ben’s family seems perfectly nice, but they’re probably the most uptight of all the hometown dates. But you can’t really blame them. Ben’s dad died and how does Ben honor his memory? By going on The Bachelorette (to promote his wine). Ben’s mom keeps saying how proud his dad would be of him right now. WHY?!? Why would he proud of him for going on the 15th season of some terrible reality television show? I also love how Ben’s mom mentions that his dad’s birthday is tomorrow. Ben tries to play it off like he actually knew that, but the guy is clueless.

Hot couple alert: I want someone to set up Julia (Ben F’s sister) with Ames. The girl wears pearls. She’d be perfect for him!

Did anyone else fall way more in love with Ben F when he started crying over his dad though? Dudes, if you’re reading this, you need to cry more. It’s hotter than having a six-pack. He’s definitely my second favorite, but I’m slightly turned off when he gets all soft spoken and talks about how happy he is. I feel like there’s a pretty good chance he does a baby voice during sex.

Last stop on the hometown date train! Roslyn, NY. Sigh. JP. He takes Cupcake roller-skating and it’s the cutest date ever! Especially when they start playing REO Speedwagon. This is when I pause the television and tell the fiancé that I not only want him to teach me the ways of the Italian Renaissance, but I want him to take me to roller-rinks and county fairs too.

JP and Ashley seem pretty into each other. They kiss a lot and they are really affectionate. I totally buy them as a couple, but my gut tells me that JP won’t make it all the way. He confides to Ashley that he’s ONLY brought home 4 girls to meet his parents. Only? WTF. I guess I should have introduced the guy with ear wax build up to my mom and dad.

JP takes Ashley home and all my hopes are completely dashed. Wait for it. JP does not have a hot brother. He has a brother. He’s just not hot and his name is ROY. But he seems really nice and sincere so I won’t rag on him too much.

Okay. I am dying for JP’s ex-girlfriend to sell her story to US weekly, because everyone keeps talking about how they never want to see him as heartbroken as he was with the last girl. Dude! JP totally tried to kill himself and was checked into the loony bin. Think about it! They would not be referencing it over and over again if he was just laying in bed for two weeks listening to The Scientist by Coldplay on repeat. Well, maybe they would. But I get serious psychotic break vibes here. I heart JP, but I’m not sure I’d want to be with a guy that was that torn up over an ex. It would just make me feel like he might still be in love with her. This is when the fiancé starts telling me about some slut named Christy that broke his heart and I had to be like “uh, no one asked.” That’s a lie. I actually paused the TV and told him to tell me EVERYTHING. NOW. They went on five dates and she told him she didn’t want anything serious. Yes. That was his biggest heartbreak in life. It pales in comparison to me taking valium and drinking a bottle of wine to fall asleep after a bad first date.

Overall, I think Constantine had the best family (I’m looking at you, Dimitri), but JP had the best mom. She was SO sweet to Ashley and she didn’t even ask her if she was willing to convert to Judaism. And how much did you love JP’s Bar Mitzvah picture? He totally looked like a recurring character on Saved By The Bell.

Hallelujah! We are back the Bachelor mansion. And look who decided to show up. Chris Harrison. OR an animatronic Chris Harrison that’s trained to nod and pretend to listen to Ashley and not tell her that she’s not wearing any pants. After some decent ensembles on the hometown dates, Cupcake apparently went back to what she feels most comfortable in: tranny hooker outfits.

The rose ceremony is fairly predictable (aside from Constantine’s terrible suit). Ashley gives a rose to Ben F, Connie, and JP. And dumps Ames. He’s totally shocked and doesn’t know what to do, because the engineers that made him forgot to program him for this kind of thing. Poor Ames seems so sad, but he manages to stay composed and be nicer than ever. Even my fiancé felt bad for him. He said and I quote “that girl would have been loved so much. Some guy wanted to take care of her more than anything and she dumped him.” True dat.

Next week is Fiji, but I for one CAN’T WAIT for the fight Ashley has with her sister in the finale. SO HOT. You know Ashley’s just jealous, because after ABC couldn’t cast Emily or Chantal as the next bachelorette, they went to Ashley’s sister. It was only after she turned them down that they offered the show to Ashley.

True story.

This song is dedicated to JP:

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