Wednesday, July 27, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

Here's hoping for a fantasy suite gang bang! Ashley arrives in Fiji and we get yet another recap on her remaining three boyfriends. I'll sum it up for you. Ben: never a dull moment. Constantine: physically hot. JP: great smile. All the qualities you need to make someone your husband. My money is still on Ben F for the final rose. (Spoiler alert: by the end of this episode I will change my mind and then change it back again.)

I've also now decided it's my duty to parcel out hair and make up tips to the team at The Bachelorette. Take it easy with the mascara! Ash's eyelids look like they're going to stick to her face. Also, cool it on the hooker outfits.

Anyway, some surprise guest shows up in Fiji to talk to Ashley and I'm guessing it's Brad Womack. Let's not forget, Ash screwed things up between her and Brad on fantasy suite night (when she wouldn't let him put it in her pooper) and now he's here to give her advice. Or maybe it's just Chris Harrison and the look of shock (pictured above) is that she can't actually believe he flew to Fiji instead of shooting all his scenes in front of a green screen.

OMG. It's GAY RYAN???!!!! Wow. This guy is so far into the closet, he's actually flown all the way to Fiji to prove he's hetero. Please tell me ABC offered to pay him a shitload of money to come here or dangled a chance at being The Bachelor. This trip totally increased his carbon footprint! This is so pathetic. I'm so embarrassed for him. Poor Ash. I actually feel sorry for her.

Ash is so surprised to see Ryan that she says "whoa" more times than Joey did on Blossom. Dude, Ryan. You did not get dumped because your date was not conducive to romance. This had nothing to do with Tai Chi. She's just not that into you! I would not be mad at Ashley if she punched him in the face right now. And she should kick Chris Harrison in the nut sack for letting this guy come back. Oh no. What's with the music? Is she actually going to let him stick around? Ryan pours his heart out, then tells her there's no need for a response (only people on reality TV say that shit) and gives her his hotel room number.

It's no coincidence that Ryan is here on Fantasy Suite night. He is totally hoping he'll have sex with a woman for the first time. Cupcake is the girl he wants to give his V card to.

Ben gets the first Fantasy suite date which is super lucky, because it means he doesn't have to stick his peen in another guy's left over jiz. Perfaccckkkt. Ben says he hasn't seen Ashley in a really long time. How long? I'm dying for some behind the scenes scoop on this show. They get on a boat and it's so super windy that Ben's new haircut looks like a Justin Bieber bowl cut. Ben tells Ash some BS about how much his mom and sister liked her. Please. His family was way too high class for this chick.

Don't get me wrong. I think Ben is cute. He's got this brunette Dax Shepard quality. But every time he whispers about being happy and says things like "giddy little school kids" I find him repulsive. And it will take me years of therapy to get over the image of Cupcake straddling him and applying suntan lotion on his chest. Did anyone catch it when he said "thanks for all your hard work" and Ash-tard said "thanks for all your hard work." She was totally talking about his skinny boner!

They go snorkeling. The music gets ultra-dramatic. Ben says he's into Ashley. They have their little night time date and surprise,'s an outdoor meal on the beach. Real original, ABC. WTF. Ben is going to tell Ashley that he loves her? Let's just end the show now. She'll never be able to resist the first guy that says the L word. Best part of this scene is when Ben says "today was perfect." and Ashley corrects him and says "perffaccckkkt." Is it possible this girl just really doesn't know how the word is pronounced? At least she's not wearing any eye make up, she looks so much better!

I'm not gonna lie. I kind of think it's cute how nervous Ben is about saying the L word. Even though he can't possibly mean it. I also love that Ben says he wasn't "available" two months ago. Right. Cause all guys who are not available decide to go on The Bachelorette. Okay, so instead of telling her he loved her, he said "I'm on my way to the whole I love you thing." Cop out.

For the last time, it is so super creepy that the fantasy suite invite comes from Chris Harrison. How much do you want to bet he shows up in the middle of the night in leather chaps and some handcuffs? Ash and Ben go off to the fantasy suite to have sex for the second time. Because, I'm sorry, they totally did it in Taiwan. Vomit. Do we really need to see them make out in the pool? This date has premium cable soft porn written all over it.

Next date is with Constantine. He gets so super excited to see a helicopter (the first of the season!) that I finally understand why he came on this show. He just wanted to ride a helicopter. Ashley, on the helicopter, says she's got a Greek God to her left and the water below her. Dude. Ash! He's not a piece of meat! He's a person, with feelings, and a bucket list that includes things like helicopter rides and reality TV shows.

Oh no, here we go. Psycho Ryan walking around, wondering when Ashley will show up and offer her vagina on a silver platter. He is a stage five clinger. He should leave the country, no other woman OR man for that matter will ever date him again.

I like Constantine in this episode, even though he has kind of a gut. He's so excited about everything-- helicopters and waterfalls are his jam. He and Cupcake go for a swim and she says she got water in her brain. (No, really. That's not a joke. That is verbatim what she said.) Ash makes Constantine feel like shit, because he looked at 108 houses before buying one. WTF Cupcake! The man is a homeowner. And he's your physical ideal. And you have a teeny apartment in Philly and still haven't gotten your dental degree. Stop being a little bitch. So, Constantine isn't in love with you after hanging out three times. Do you know what that makes him?


Dinner time. Outdoors. Ugh. These dates are so predictable. And by predictable I mean Ashley's always dressed like a ho. I love when Ash asks Constantine if it's weird that he and his bestie are dating the same girl. He's basically like-- no, it's totally cool. I'm not interested in you at all. OMG. It's so obvious that Ash-tard is just keeping this poor guy around because she wants to bang his hotness. This guy is just way too sweet to be on this show and Ash is just way too insecure to be on the show. Could you imagine if you grilled a guy about whether he liked your or not four dates in? Bitch is crazy!

Constantine tells Ashley that he's not ready to ask her to marry him. He has too much respect for himself (and her) to do that. And then....wait for it.....he tells her this means it's the end of the road for him. HE JUST DUMPED HER. and denied her the fantasy suite. Looks like Ashley isn't going to see the guy she's most physically attracted to naked after all. He basically just turned down getting laid. Snap! Like I said, he was just in this for the helicopters and the waterfalls.

Does this mean she's going to take Ryan back? Honestly. She should. He's the only that will ever truly love her. while having sex with men on the side.

Ash goes to pay Ryan a visit. If you're feeling any suspense right now--- don't. She's definitely going to dump him again. Dude. This guy is just so overeager. It's not attractive. And he's got a bad case of the crazy eyes. I won't bore you with the details. She tells him exactly what she told him in Taiwan. She doesn't feel the passion. And then she says she's already found what she's looking for...with two guys. Don't tell that to the guy who has no one!

Maybe I need to give Ryan a little more credit. Maybe he's just an aspiring actor and wanted the extra screen time. God, I hope so.

Yay, it's finally time for the JP date! and Ash is dressed like a cross between Daisy Duke and Pocahantas. I really kind of buy them as a couple. I actually like Ash a little more when she's with JP. Am I on crack? I might need an intervention.

They get on a little plane and the ultra dramatic music comes in. Does Ben F ever get the ultra dramatic music? (He does, it's in this recap.) Hmmmm...I'm starting to think JP is the ONE. Is it just me or does she just seem more excited to show him all the little surprise date stuff?

Who is this ex-girlfriend that broke JP's heart so bad? Was she out of her fucking mind?

Ash and JP basically frolic around in the water and make out. Then, they...wait for it...have an outdoor dinner.

Ewww, when she tells JP she said good bye to two guys this week, of course he's going to assume that she's talking about the Geico Caveman brothers. I love how she tells him that she and Constantine mutually decided to call things off. Uh, that's not how I remember it. Your ass got BLOWN OFF, Hostess Cupcake. The look on JP's face is classic when he hears that Ryan came back. Then Ash basically tells JP he has to tell her he loves her before she'll pick him. But he can't do that just yet. Then, JP totally blushes when he reads the fantasy suite card. Sigh. He's the cutest!

hahahahaha, they go into the fantasy suite and Ash comes out wearing a white dress shirt. Um. I saw that last season when Chantal wore one for Brad Womack.

Rose ceremony. Another boring conversation between Chris and Ashley. Ash is wearing yet another sparkly hooker dress and horrible make up. Chris points out that there's only two guys left so why have a rose ceremony? Maybe because this show is two freaking hours long and the rose ceremony is boring ass filler.

No big surprise. Ben and JP both accept their roses. The dramatic pauses were way over the top and ridiculous this week.

I think Ash did pretty darn well for herself. If I had to pick two guys out of the group she had, JP and Ben would have been it (well, except for the butcher. God, I miss him.) My money was on JP-- I don't think Ash wants to deal with the whole dead dad thing and the sad uptight Sonoma family...seriously, compare Ben F's pearl necklace sister to Ash's Kat Von D wannabe sis. That would never work. BUT THEN that little toe thing at the end of the credits with Ben F really threw me. They just look like they have more fun together than Ash and JP. Ugh. I'm so confused. ABC, how do you do this to me every time???

But honestly, who cares about the final rose next week. I can't wait for the bitch fight between Ash and her sister. After seeing Ash's sis and mom talk about her, it all became crystal clear to me. Cupcake is one of those girls that brings home a new guy every month and tells her family she's in love with him. Did you see the look on their faces? They are SO over her. Just like Constantine. Just like me. Just like Chris Harrison.


  1. Lol, your last paragraph totally sums up this season! Is it wrong that I feel flattered every time you use "perfaaackt" in a recap? I'm famous! :D

  2. you really captured the way she says it quite perfectly!

  3. Omg, what i mean is quite "perfaaacktly"

  4. So, Constantine isn't in love with you after hanging out three times. Do you know what that makes him?


    Honest to Womack!, you're a god damn genius!