Wednesday, July 6, 2011

the bachelorette boys: an analysis

I know you were all as upset as I was on Monday night when you discovered ABC was not airing a new episode of The Bachelorette. Apparently, Americans would rather watch fireworks than everyone's favorite dipshit Bachelorette. Gosh, sometimes I get so annoyed with this country. What's wrong with you people, we could have rang in the holiday with a little one on one date action in Taiwan!

So, anyway. In lieu of a recap this week, I thought we'd give a little love to the best part of the Bachelorette. The men. And figure out what their odds are with Ashley.

These are the hot pieces of ass still in the running:

JP (AKA Jordan Paul)
My money is on JP. He's got a nice plump behind. He looks hot with a bald head. He works in construction. And he has dimples. What more could a girl want? He seems to really like Ashley (which takes his IQ down by like a 100 points) and these two have shown signs of sexual chemistry. He's a shoo-in for some hot fantasy suite loving.

High point: comforting Ash in her PJs in front of a fire after Bentley dumped her ass.
Low point: Engaging in the stand up spoon position with Ashley, while on some weird foggy ledge in Hong Kong.

Odds: Really good, except he seems way too level headed to propose to a girl on a reality TV show. This could make Ash feel insecure. And we all know when a guy makes Ash feel insecure, he doesn't get a rose.

Ben F (AKA I heart Sauvignon Blanc)
A strong second to JP, Ben F is clearly on this show for three reasons. #1 to promote his wine (which he presented to Ashley in episode one for some clever product placement. #2 to travel the world. #3 to mentally make out with a girl on reality TV. Ben is hot in that hipster/rugged/wine enthusiast kind of way. But in certain angles, he looks like the girl who was really a guy in Sleepaway Camp.

High point: wearing the adorable red robe in Hong Kong.
Low point: the mental make out session OR painting the elephant for those adorable Thai orphans.

Odds: On par with JP. Ben knows how to play this game. He has yet to make Cupcake feel insecure about anything. He pretty much has her convinced that he's into her.

Ames (AKA I heart date raping)
Ames has that All-American boy thing going for him, but I can't help thinking if Goonies was remade, he'd get cast as Troy (the mean boyfriend in the letterman jacket). He seems shy and thoughtful, but I'm still convinced that's all a cover for his secret inclination to date rape girls. You just know if a girl ever reported him to the police, he'd stick his rich powerful father on her.

High point: mouth raping Ashley in the elevator in Hong Kong.
Low point: getting a mild concussion in silky pink shorts.

Odds: Not good. I just don't think Ashley will get past the fact that Ames sounds like a robot every time he says her name. Plus, he went to Yale, Columbia, and Harvard so Cupcake has to know he's way too smart for her. Plus, I feel like he has a super boring wonderbread kind of family and ABC may deem them too blah for a hometown date. That said, we've heard rumors he's the next Bachelor, so maybe he makes it further than we think.

Constantine (AKA Ashley wha?)
The best thing about Constantine is that he's clearly not into Ashley. I get the feeling he just wants to stick around so he can hang with his new bros and explore more of Asia. He just seems slightly annoyed every time they have to interact with Cupcake. He's not in it to win it. Notice that he's never interrupted another guy to "steal" time with Ashley? He hates her.

High point: telling Ashley that he "naturally" felt closer to the dudes than her. Laughing on the inside when Cupcake revealed to them that she saw Bentley in Hong Kong.
Low point: frolicking through the streets of Thailand with Ashley in orange shorts.

Odds: Excellent. Constantine might be the dark horse. He couldn't be less into Ashley and we all know she finds that irresistible. He may end up doing the dumping in the end.

Lucas (AKA Texas Forever)
It's kind of a shocker that Lucas has made it this far to begin with, but he's slowly becoming one of my favorites. First of all, he's from Odessa which is the setting of the book Friday Night Lights. You all know how I feel about that show. Like I said before, he's got a Woody Harrelson quality to him, minus all the hemp and pot smoking. Plus, he might really like Ashley.

High point: Getting super annoyed at Ash-tard when she told them she saw Bentley. If he didn't already have a rose, I wouldn't be surprised if he bailed that night.
Low point: demonstrating a golf swing for Ashley. That was straight from the playbook of guys who never get laid.

Odds: Not so good. Lucas didn't get a one on one date 'til pretty late in the game and I think Ash senses that he's someone that will call her out on her shit. And she doesn't want that. I'm pretty sure he'll get the boot in Taiwan.

Ryan (AKA totally gay)
Someone close to Ryan probably discovered that he's gay and in order to stay in the closet and prove his hetero-ness, he signed up for the Bachelorette in hopes of being the next Bachelor. Or in hopes of competing with Ashley for the affection of one of the guys in the house. My gay-dar is pretty good and it started beeping in the very first episode. Ashley's is clearly very rusty.

High point: his friendly demeanor, while trying to recruit dragon boat team members.
Low point: all of those desperate, overeager moments with Ashley of which there are too many to count.

odds: not bad. He seems to be heavily featured in scenes for upcoming episodes and he does a good job of pretending to heart Ashley. Plus, he has the best job of the bunch and lives in California. Which means Cupcake can try her hand at broadcast journalism, while he supports her. Is it bad that I'm really hoping he wins and Ash walks in on him having a threesome with the guy in the mask and Lance Bass in ten years?

So, as of right now--- here are my predictions.

final five: Ryan, Ames, Ben F, Constantine, JP

final four: Ryan, Ben F, Constantine, JP (although Ames is hot, so he could beat out Ryan here)

final three: Ben F, Constantine, JP

final two: too soon to tell.


  1. You really think the Geico cavemen will be top 3?

  2. LOL. wait, which one is the Geico caveman? Ben F or Constantine? They both look like they could be!

  3. Are they cavemen or twins??