Thursday, July 14, 2011

Dear Samurai Shawn: the Text to Call BLOW OFF Relay.

Samurai Shawn's first dating question. Enjoy!

From: Geisha
Date: Thu, Jul 7, 2011 at 10:10 AM
Subject: Samurai

Dear Samurai,

I have gone on five dates with a guy in the last month and have realized what I have known all along: I'm not that into him.

This is due to a variety of reasons, most of which you shed light on (he rarely makes me laugh, I see signs of neediness, he does not take initiative, etc). I have not had sex with him, but have had hot moments.

What is your blowoff tactic for someone you have been casually dating? I have not dated much and would like some guidance.

Yours truly,


Dear Geisha,

I get bummed out when I hear about guys failing. I want us pool our resources and always win goddamit! Anywho there is much debate about this issue because women prefer everything face to face, but I would say a phone call conversation is ample recompense for 5 sexless dates. I myself would prefer an email prep that says, "Hey Pussy, I mean Steve, are you free to talk tonight at like 8ish?" You allow him to emotionally prepare for the ensuing Gallagher-esque watermelon of rejection that's about to explode on his face and give him time to get a poncho.

Then when you call say something like "Hey how's it going? blah blah how was your day being a humorless pussy blah blah... So (and this part is never easy but is the difference between grown-ups with character and stupid teenagers) Steve, I'm not sure if we're a match. I think you are super nice guy but I'm just not feeling that spark that I should feel at the beginning. I'm sure you obviously have your reservations too since it's only been a few dates (reaffirming him as a reasonable person who is very unlikely to hide in your backyard and masturbate in your bushes) but... I'm feeling us more on the friend tip."

He will say stuff but then have no choice but to accept, then you tell another story, talk about how you'll definitely stay friends (you won't), and be on your way. Treat him with respect and honesty and if he starts crying like a little bitch, tell him he is right to be obsessed with you because that was the closest he was ever going to get to greatness. And then have him email me and we can talk about how he needs to hit up the hip
6pm Sunday Catholic service where there are tons of chicks who like unfunny pussies.

-Samurai Shawn

(If you need dating advice from Samurai Shawn, please email us at

1 comment:

  1. great advice, samurai shawn! I'm torn on the pre-emptive email thing. Might be overkill? Best to pretend like they don't even really care that you're breaking up with them in the first place.