Thursday, July 7, 2011

An interview with a Samurai

It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon in Santa Monica and I was about to have lunch with a Samurai. I just didn't know it. My friend Mei had told me about her boyfriend's buddy who was a notorious ladies man and suggested we sit down and interview him for the blog. She reached out to him and there we were weeks later at Cafe Dahab ready to psychologically probe him. He oh so honestly answered our questions between puffs on a hookah. We learned so much! Here are just some of the highlights:

There are three stages of manhood.

Stage #1: the pussy stage. This is when girls scare the shit out of you and you have pretty much no clue how to talk to one, let alone get one into bed. This is generally during the ages of 0-18.

Stage #2: the barbarian stage. You finally know how to get laid and you go nuts. You want to have sex with every available vagina in a one mile radius. This is generally during the ages of 20-30.

Stage #3: the samurai stage. You've had sex with a lot of girls and the conquest is starting to lose its luster...because you're a motherfucking samurai and there is no conquest. Sex becomes less important. Suddenly, you want a meaningful connection with a super super hot girl. This is generally after you turn 30. (I suspect that when a guy hits 60, he suddenly goes through the stages all over again.)

Our new friend was 32 and was newly in the Samurai stage. He'd just gotten out of his first serious relationship (it lasted a year). They broke up, because she was ready for marriage and he wasn't (he didn't feel "in love"). Hearing him talk about his ex made my heart go pitter patter a little bit. He said she was the most awesome girl he'd ever met. Beautiful, strong, smart, super successful. But she was almost too strong and too independent. He wanted someone that would possess all those qualities and still make him feel like a man. Plus, she was also 36 and he just couldn't see himself married to a 40 year old in four years. ("but it's not like I could tell her that.")

He also shed some light on the "girls go for assholes" myth. Not true according to our Samurai. It's a fact that girls don't go for guys that are needy. Well said! A lot of those "nice" guys that don't get the girl are actually just "needy" guys.

He also revealed that men need to manufacture serendipity. Girls are suckers for chance meetings, so it's the job of the guy to make them think that's what's happening. Example: a girl that lived in his apartment building took the trash out one day to find him standing on their street, talking on his phone. Except he wasn't really talking to anyone on the phone. And he wasn't coincidentally standing on the street...he went out there after he saw her taking the trash out from his window and pretended to wrap up a phone call. He asked her out on a date and she said yes. There you have it: manufactured serendipity.

Confidence is also key. Samurai doesn't believe in the whole "she's just not that into you" bull shit. He says all girls are into him. "it doesn't matter if it's true, it matters if it helps you. Like people who believe in Jesus."

Samurai's relationship deal breakers are as follows:
#1 lying about anything or not telling the whole story. No topic should be off limits. (Ex. a girl once told him she was 27 when she was really 29. He explained if she was going to lie about something so inconsequential, then she's got to be bat shit crazy.)

#2 calling a girl and getting a text message back. If he takes the effort to call you, you should return the favor. No stalling the relationship with text messages.

#3 Not being stunningly beautiful (seriously.) In order for him to spend the rest of his life with a girl and be satisfied, she has to be hotter than nine out of ten girls you see walking down the street. Then, he admitted to us that guy will ever really be satisfied. (after hearing this I went into a complete seizure, swallowed my tongue, and died. I'm writing this from purgatory.)

#4 A girl has to have opinions. But this is a real conundrum, because apparently--- the prettier the girl, the less opinions she has. Which means I am about as attractive as Sloth from Goonies.

#5 They have to be comfortable riding a bike (spinning doesn't count, I asked) and they have to like hookah's.

Samurai also went over his dating strategy. The first date is always a daytime thing so that booze and spending the night together aren't part of the equation. He usually has a girl meet him at his apartment, so she can see his place during the day (which he claims will make it feel more safe and less daunting/scary the first time she comes over at night). They'll usually have lunch or breakfast and then go on a bike ride. The next date usually involves going to a hookah bar and watching a nature documentary (I forgot, they have to like nature.) Then, he goes in for the kill and asks them if they salsa dance. When they say they don't, he shows them a couple of moves. I told him I thought this was super cheesy, that I would never go for it and start laughing. He said it didn't matter, because laughing leads to kissing and kissing leads to sex. Apparently, the salsa thing has a great success rate in sealing the deal. I have to give the guy some props for actually planning dates. There's nothing worse than a boy who has no idea where to take you or asks you to pick a place (at least in the early dating stages.) I guess that's because girls don't like "needy" guys. Samurai is a genius!

Seriously though, a lot of what Samurai said actually made sense. So, if you have any dating questions or need any advice, email us at with the word "samurai" in the subject line. We'll post the question and Samurai's response on our blog.

And remember, all guys and/or girls are into you. It doesn't matter if it's true. It just matters if it helps you. Like people who believe in Jesus.


  1. holy shitballs this has changed my life.

    and i don't even believe in jesus.

  2. yeah how about the part where "all" guys will never be satisfied with what they have!

  3. @emo butterball,

    It's just that all guys instinctually want to have sex with different shapes and sizes of women. I call it oppisitesies. So you could be getting with a skinny perfect 10 Victoria Secret underwear model and see a cute towny looking barista with a budonkadonk ass and have a fantasy about slamming her in cozy mountain cabin during a snowstorm after which she makes you a perfect espresso. A man with character won't act on it, and honestly wouldn't really even want to... But our primitive monkey brains have yet to catch up to our complicated breeding social structures.

  4. Sloth weirds me out. On other notes, Samurai knows his goods. Salsa dancing lessons have been the single most important thing I've done to get me laid. Girls go gaga over it, even if it's at a hip-hop club, because you can incorporate so many of the twists and turns - and most importantly, you break that "touching" barrier. Secondly, confidence, which he mentions, and third, humor. The more funny shit I say or write, the more girls come out of the woodworks and message me.

    Also, if you were to rate Samurai on a scale of 1 to 10, looks-wise, what would you say? Because, Dale Ellis, former 3-point specialist, recently said that he was the best shooter in the history of the NBA. While that's not true, he said that he NEEDED to have this attitude to be good at what he did. So, is Samurai good-looking or not? Because if he is, then that's just not fair.

  5. Being generous I'm a 7, If I lost 30 pounds I would be a 9:)