Monday, July 18, 2011

Single Asian Female (SAF): The Flip

I dumped a guy the other night. In an email. I feel awful.

Wait, before you judge me, listen! I tried calling the guy THREE TIMES to talk to him personally, the first two of which he never picked up. A game of frustrating phone tag ensued and when I tried calling him the third time, he was with his friend.

What heartless bitch would dump a guy in front of his friend?

I couldn't do it. As badly as I wanted to just say, Hey D, don't worry about calling me back. Hey, uh, can we just be friends? I couldn't go there.

So... I wrote him an email to end it. God, I am going to Blow Off Hell.

But it had to be done. In one month, I saw this guy multiple times, which was a roller-coaster ride between "Yay!" and "No way!" It all ended with a term I shall coin: The Flip.

D and I met through mutual friends, which was a welcome relief from dating strangers on Planet Internet. Could this be the dude I take to my BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING? Jesus had shined his light down upon me, and finally let the possibility of budding love--REAL TRUE LOVE--appear before me in the form of a non-manufactured, serendipitous, P2P (person-to-person) moment.

Oh, hell no. I don't believe in Jesus, so why would HE do anything nice for ME? That fucker.

Date #1: D and I went to the movies. 13 ASSASSINS no less, which is all about feudal Japan and samurais and harakiri and shit. Blood and guts everywhere. I think I spent 10 minutes of the film with my eyes open. The rest cringing, eyes tightly shut, listening to all the sword killing and ninja battling. Erm, maybe not the best movie to see on a first date.

Then dinner. He told me he doesn't drink. As in, I do not consume alcohol. There is no way I could have hidden my disappointment, but I wanted to be open-minded. And really, he was so different from anyone I had ever gone out with (see my Type Matrix), that I wanted to give this a shot. So he didn't drink, who cares? Better than dealing with a coke addict, or a dude in a band, wearing a plaid shirt.

The date went past midnight, hence passing my Midnight Test. This test gauges the success of any date: if it goes past midnight, you are having a good time. If you're home before midnight, it was a bore and there is no need to pursue anything. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Date #2: D and I go out for ramen. He tells me he does not like noodle soup. Oh dear god. Do not ever tell this food blogger that you do not like noodles in a bowl of piping hot soup. That's just silly.

But... there could be worse things in the world. He's not a coke head nor a hipster, hooray! And he did actually eat the ramen.

Let's be real though--boy who does not like ramen most certainly does NOT get a blow job at the end of the night. Sorry dude. He leaves me at a Muni Metro stop and I wonder if I will see him again.

Date #3: We have a good time at dinner, watch BLADE RUNNER on his Klippan and end up making out. A hot make-out sesh can sustain this!

Right?

Date #4: We take a walk through the park. He's awfully pedantic and like nails against a chalkboard, he's getting on my last nerves (Pedantic Paul from MIDNIGHT IN PARIS, anyone?). Then, he tells me he does not dance. Whaaa?? I need a fucking drink. I desperately search for an out (text to Sara: Call me and say you're in the emergency room RIGHT NOW!), but we end up at dinner and he turns up the charm and self-deprecating humor. Sigh.

We make out, okayyyyy????

Date #5: Everything is going well. Smashing. Really awesome! He's affectionate and sweet and I'm even letting the excruciating pedantry slide! We walked hand in hand, and talked about Meaningful Big Life Things that two mature adults can discuss openly and honestly.

Then, behold: The Flip.

We had driven all the way out to the coast and I suggested we get out of the car and go for a walk.

The precise moment of The Flip was when he said, "I'm not a beach person."

All my muscles tensed up, and I grew silent. Like petrol to a flame, something swelled up inside of me that I don't drink, I don't like ramen, and I don't dance, never quite ignited.

Not a beach person??? What a fucking drag!!! I could no longer keep seeing this person. I declared that I did not feel well and dropped him, along with the tacos we were supposed to have together for dinner, off at his house.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is The Flip. The moment early in any dating period, when you go from seemingly liking someone, to not at all.

I know The Flip well. I briefly dated a guy, the See, I'm Not An Asshole!-Asshole, who had his Flip moment with me. We went out a few times, and while I was into him, and I thought he was into me too, he Flipped. He suddenly got 'sick' and canceled dinner. Then, dumped me in a text message.

I was thoroughly confused. But I know now that it was The Flip. And while the Not Asshole Asshole is now but a fleeting memory, I have gained some perspective on why and how The Flip occurs. Ultimately, you can't help how you feel, nor can you force it. The Flip is inevitable because--come on--you were probably never really into this person in the first place.

Sometime between Date #4 and #5, my close friend said to me, "K, it doesn't even sound like you like this guy. You have never settled for anyone before--why start now?"

Those words rang in my ears during my Flip moment with D. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, "It's not ME. It's YOU!" My dealbreakers here may sound superficial, but it all comes down to the fact that I didn't have very much FUN with him. Can't force it. Can't settle now.

D may be reading my email over and over wondering where it all went wrong. Or maybe he just read it once, and thought, "Whatever, dumb bitch."

And I'm back to square one.

*Thanks to Samurai Shawn for his sage Blow Off advice. Love, Geisha.

13 comments:

  1. :-( Sad face.

    This sucks. Time's flying and all you and I date is trash. Trash that always needs to be taken out.

    So I was watching the last Harry Potter movie today (SPOILER) and it ends with the Harry & co having become parents themselves, sending off their little offspring with the Hogwarts Express.
    And I was really hit right there in the theatre. See, when the first Harry Potter movie came out, I was in my 20's - ripe for a serious relationship. And on the screen were these little kids playing with magic with no dark thoughts of smelly sex or The Flip dating situations.
    And now, just a glimpse of an eye later in 2011, these little cute innocent kids have grown up to become steaming hot actors, probably banging away all day with an assortment of lined up sex partners and ideal bachelors in their king size beds in a house in upscale London.

    And where are we? Still sitting in front of the TV in our sweatpants, bitching about life. But 10 years older and 10 years of saggier tits and wrinkle filled faces, deprived of our once so tight orify, shiny faces and optimistic view on life and relationships.

    Oh what hardships. But good thing you dumped him, email or not. "Not being a dancer" is a deal breaker. The end.

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  2. This whole experience reminds me of a wet wipe.

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  3. Bottom line is, even if you don't have things in common with people, they have to be fun. Like if you were really hot for this guy, you may have been willing to overlook a few of those things. i think the older the person we date, the more set in their ways they're going to be. On to the next!!! Visualize the question mark.

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  4. email break up?! fuck ya after 5 dates... The only reason people flip out about informal breakups is they want a reason to be mad at you and your "method" of break up is all they gots. But you know what works for me is, when someone says they hate something you love, just jokingly call them out ON the date. Then it doesn't have to simmer, you just talk it out and can even end THAT date in a funny sort of "I would date you but you hate ramen asswipe" (Incidentally, Ramen is only sustenance if you're a low raking Tokyo businessman on your way home from a 14 hour day and you have to eat at a subway stop underground noodle house in Shibuya... but otherwise why not eat real food?")

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  5. Also, forgot to mention that I love "the flip" term too! I was once in love with a guy for 3+ years and the second he ordered tofu and started telling me about his new found love for meditation...i flipped. just like that. Man, i wish i could know the exact moment guys that dated me "flipped." Hopefully it wasnt after seeing me naked.

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  6. Aw thanks for all your support everyone! This post was especially hard for me to write--I wanted to be truthful and humorous, but not come off as a total bitch. It's hard to strike that balance when you are the dumpER. It's so much easier to write about the woes of having just been dumped.

    @Anders: I absolutely CANNOT believe that you gave away the ending to Harry Potter. You are totally going to Blow Off Hell.

    And yah, ultimately, no dance = no fun. I know that now.

    @Yoko: D was a really nice guy, but yes, a wet wipe. You hit the nail on the head.

    @Samurai: I actually did call him out repeatedly on our dates of what a wet wipe he was. That last one was too much for me though, and I just didn't even know how to react. I thought I would sleep on it.

    Re the ramen, we could clearly never be together if you don't think that it's real food. I'm coming to LA in early Sept. Let's meet at Santouka.

    @Sara: Visualizing the question mark is just getting harder and harder. But I must keep at it, and at least try, even though as Anders says, time is running out and all we date is trash. HA! But they've gotta be FUN TRASH, bottom line.

    LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

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  7. PS: I'm convinced that had we gone to see MIDNIGHT IN PARIS on that first date, instead of 13 ASSASSINS, things would have turned out very very differently. From here on out, only non-threatening romcoms on first dates. Like ALONG CAME POLLY.

    PPS: Yes, I've taken on a nom de plume.

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  8. a lady that asked me to watch "along came polly" would be my instant flip moment.

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  9. also, this guy isn't your type of people. no drinks/ramen/dancing/beaches. it's good that he's open and secure about what he likes (or more accurately doesn't like) but it sounds like you'd be putting up with a lot of disagreement regarding things you enjoy. i wonder if he's added "i don't like getting dumped by email" to his list?

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  10. I flip whenever I hear a lady do the "baby voice." It's even worse when it's in that forced cuddle session so that you don't feel like a dick after sex.

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  11. @J Keith: What are your flips? I don't believe that ALONG CAME POLLY is one of them. Do dish.

    And yah, he's not my people. I really TRIED to get things going with him, just cause I thought it COULD work out, like ALONG CAME POLLY. Ha. Nope.

    @SVB: Baby voice is unacceptable. Even for babies. Someone called me "baby girl" yesterday. I coulda punched him.

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  12. one of my flips is a woman's fondness for dave mathews band.

    on a recent date, the lady told me her tattoos didn't mean much, she just liked the art she saw. she wants to get one "from that graffiti guy. he was in a documentary." banksy. to me, not overly caring what's embedded into your flesh for life makes me flip.

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  13. Red Hot Chili Peppers for me.

    I saw a dude walking his dog the other day, with a huge tattoo of a geisha that went down his back. I swear to god, if I was making out with a dude and took off his shirt and saw a huge full color portrait of a geish I would flip the fuck out, kick him out of bed and run as fast as I could.

    I'm really not digging this screen name. What should it be???

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