Wednesday, August 3, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: the final rose. Finally.

*Update: we were forced to take down the original picture of Chrystie Corn's head shot, because she's apparently hot shit now and using her photo is copyright infringement. In its place, we give you her big moment on Extreme Couponing.

It's finale time, folks. Fucking finally. I'm really not sure how much more of Cupcake I could take. If I had to watch her play with her bangs, wear trampy pageant hooker clothes, or cake on her mascara again, I might lose my shit. But somehow, ABC still gets me emotionally invested in this show and I really want JP to get the final rose. Which doesn't really make sense, because if I actually like the guy, shouldn't I want him to be free of Ash-tard forever?

The episode opens with Ash getting on a plane and pondering her two boyfriends. With Ben, things are effortless. With JP, there's a lot of passion. Translation: JP rocked her world more on the fantasy suite date. This is the first sign that Ashley is stupid, because true love is really about things feeling easy and drama-free. But we're talking about the girl that kept Constantine around purely because he was exactly what she wants in a guy physically.

Cupcake reunites with her family and somehow they seem a little trashier than I remember them being on Brad Womack's season. And super sweaty. ABC lets these poor people melt away in the hot sun and all they have to cool them off are some gym towels. If Ash's step-dad gets melanoma, he should totally sue. Anyway. They ask Ash if she's in love and she says YES, but she can't make up her mind yet which guy she wants to be with. Now would be a good time for Ash's bitchy sister to tell her that's the most ridiculous thing she's ever heard.

JP is the first to meet the family. They bond over the fact that they are all sweating their balls off. Kat Von Wannabe asks Ash-tard if JP makes her laugh and like the douche face that she is, she says "I make myself laugh." This is not a good sign and Ash's sister is about to fuck some shit up with this little piece of information.

Ash's sister flat out tells her that she doesn't think JP is the one for Ash. That she's not acting like herself and that if he doesn't make her laugh, he's persona non grata. Cupcake bursts into tears and says she's really confused and her sister is only making it worse. Does anyone else get the feeling that Ash's sister has spent some time in a psych ward? I just get that slightly unhinged vibe from her. They should have had this girl on the show all along, she actually makes me like Ashley a little bit. A tiny bit. Okay, fine. Not really at all.

Then Ash's sister gets some one on one time with JP and is basically a total fucking bitch to him. She calls him old (34) and makes no mention of the fact that he's YOUNGER than Brad Womack was. And she says that Cupcake is too much for him. If by too much she means the most annoying person to ever walk the planet, then yes, she's correct.

I do have to give the painted lady some credit for being honest. Clearly, Ash has brought a million guys home and claimed they were her soul mates and her sister is so at the end of her rope with it, she wants to humiliate Ashley on national television. Can you really blame her?
Bottom line, JP is a hot piece of ass and Ash's sister wants to bang him and that's why she's sabotaging everything.

JP and Ash say their good byes and she says absolutely nothing to reassure him about her family. The guy is toast.

The bitch fight between Cupcake and her sister is so awesome! Ash calls out Kat Von D on what a harsh beeotch she's being and Kat Von D does not stutter even once. She is stone cold and in not so many words tells Ash that she only likes JP because he's hot and that she needs to stop being so effing shallow all the time.

I did a little research on Cupcake's older sis and I think I can confirm that much of this vitriol stems from a little bit of jealousy on her part. First of all, her name is Chrystie Corn which is a tragedy in its own right. BUT the picture above is her Maine head shot, so clearly she's a fame hungry whore. AND she's been on a reality TV show before too...Extreme Couponing. But fame hungry whore runs in the family, so this is just further proof that Ash has been lying all this time about wanting to be a dentist. Girlfriend wants to act. I give her a year before she starts doing porn. Luckily, since she can dance that will really open up the doors for porn musicals.

But I digress. Now it's Ben's turn to meet the fam and he has a definite advantage right away. First of all, they get to hang out in an air conditioned hotel room where they don't need gym towels to keep them dry. Ash tells her family that Ben's family is not like they are (AKA, they are some high class motherfuckers.) Ben explains that his mom is just like Martha Stewart and that his mom and sister go into the city for tea. What? Who goes into the city for tea? Could you imagine Martha Stewart hanging out with Kat Von D? That would be so hot.

Ben wins Ashley's family over by doing his doggy voice with Cupcake. Somehow Ben's doggy voice is freaking adorable and sexy, while Ash's could seriously cause mass suicides. But I have to admit, they are kind of cute together. Things are not looking good for JP at this point. Not good at all. But maybe this means he'll be the next Bachelor?

Right around this time, I swear to God, I heard Ashley says "perfect" the right way. This could be a sign of the apocalypse. Tell all of your close friends and family you love them.

Ben and Cupcake have their last date and they are picked up by a helicopter. And Ben actually says: it's just like out of the movies. Or just like out of every season the The Bachelor franchise. They take a helicopter to this natural outdoor mud bath thing and OMG, I still have post traumatic stress disorder from watching these scenes. They basically rub mud all over each other and talk about how erotic it is. If they were doing this and talking in doggy voices at the same time, planet earth would instantly explode.

Back at Ben's hotel room, he tells Ashley that he loves her and they make out. And I actually think he's being sincere here. Which means he needs to get his head checked. know how some of the guys couldn't jump on the Ashley bandwagon, because she had feelings for Bentley? Well, that's exactly how I feel about Ben and JP. They're both hot and charming BUT they both love Ashley and I just can't get with that.

Time for JP's last date with Ash. Was it just me or does it look like she got a boob job between these two dates? They talk about how Kat Von D put a curse on them and that Cupcake is now questioning things. She keeps saying that they're really different and neither of them is really able to articulate why they like each other. But then JP says the magic words: I'm madly in love with you. Which packs a little more punch than Ben's plain old "I love you". Cupcake is now his for the taking.

Back at his room, JP gives her a gift. It's a book with a photo of them on the beach and this really cheesy (okay, kind of sweet) letter about their future together. He ends it with "I love you, baby" which seems a little premature for me. You have to be together for at least six months before you can start saying things like "baby."

The next day, Ash writes in her journal which looks like a diary I had in pre-school. She even has little kid handwriting. This merely proves that Gay Ryan was actually the perfect man for her, because he revealed on the Men Tell All Special that he kept a journal through the entire season. They could journal together!

Then, because ABC only caters to lonely elderly women in cities we've never heard of, Neil Lane (the jeweler) arrives to show rings to JP and Ben. This whole getting engaged thing at the end of the season is SO lame. This is 2011! Why can't they just agree to date or move in together even?

When Neil Lane asks Ben how he's feeling, he says all these nice meaningful things about Ashley and picks out a ring you could probably find in one of those sterling silver stores in the middle of a mall. When JP arrives to pick out his ring, he can't really give much of a reason of why he loves Cupcake except that she makes him smile all the time. To be fair, I think he's pretty sure he's about to get rejected.

The guys each board a plane and Ben keeps talking about how confident he is...which is the first time I realize he's going to lose this game. Everyone knows anyone who is ever overly confident on this show gets punished. Ashley wears a hoochie mama pink glittery concoction that a Barbie doll wouldn't be caught dead in along with a pair of earrings that I swear my 5th grade teacher used to wear in 1990. The first plane arrives and out walks...BEN F. ABC managed to trick me again with the whole fake drama with Ash-tard's sister. I really thought Ben had this in the bag.

At this point in time, I'd like to rip Ash a new asshole. Did anyone else think she handled BLOWING Ben OFF super badly? Remember when Ali told Chris L before the final rose ceremony that she was in love with Roberto to save him the humiliation of proposing to her? Well, not only does Cupcake NOT do that, but she waits for poor Ben to get down on one knee and propose to her before telling him she just wants to be friends.

The best part of this episode, second only to Kat Von D-bag, was the fact that Ben was a little bitch to Ashley when they said good bye. And with good reason. He seemed genuinely blindsided and was not about to say anything to make this any easier on cuntcake, I mean cupcake.

I will say that I appreciated the fact that Ashley cried after dumping Ben. I think she really felt bad, but that does not excuse her letting the guy ask her to marry him. You know she did that just to stroke her own ego. Also, I just don't buy that she couldn't secretly tell him off camera that she was in love with JP.

I won't bore you with the rest, but JP does propose to Ashley (thanks for the fake suspense ABC by not showing him actually leave Neil Lane with a ring). Cupcake says yes and they make out and say "I love you, baby" entirely too much.

As though losing two hours of my life to this show wasn't bad enough, ABC has to air an after the final rose special. Here are the highlights. Ben looked hotter than ever. If I have to hear him say one more time that Ashley helped him love again, I will punch him. Somehow, between this airing and the men tell all taping, Ash managed to look even more like a two dollar hooker. What was up with her hair and make up?! Then came out JP...I was rooting for this guy the whole time and I thought he was the hottest thing since the butcher from Brooklyn BUT after seeing him get all kissy kissy with Cupcake (I mean, was it really necessary to kiss as much as they did?) I totally stopped finding him attractive. He's gross to me now. Oh, and Kat Von Demon also apologized to JP and said after watching the show it was so obvi he was the one. Sure it was.

But here's the good news. Until Team Cupcake breaks up and Ashley goes on the Bachelor Pad season 3, we won't have to see her again for awhile. And considering the show got the lowest ratings for a Bachelorette finale in the history of the franchise (down 29% from Ali's season!), I think it's safe to say ABC won't be whoring Cupcake out anytime soon. But I don't think this is the last any of us have seen of Chrystie Corn....


  1. Haha! Well done! I didn't get to see the finale, because 4 minutes into the show, my dad threatened to leave the room due to Ashley's voice.

  2. I'm going to miss your recaps of this hot mess! Do you recap the Bachelor, too? You described Ash's sister perfect (oops, perfaaackt) here. She's obviously jealous and insecure about her own divorce. Sigh. I kinda in a twisted way hope Ashley and JP make it. They're cute. Ugh, I can't believe I just said that.

  3. Megan, that's amazing! Georgia, so glad you like the recaps! I will most likely succumb to doing the Bachelor too, but definitely taking a pass on Bachelor Pad (although I will be watching, I can't tear myself away.)

    JP and Ashley Forever.

  4. "Cupcake reunites with her family and somehow they seem a little trashier than I remember them being on Brad Womack's season."
    --I totally remember them being SUPER white trash. Cupcake's WT family meeting Ames' super WASP family was my dream episode for this season.

    "I still have post traumatic stress disorder from watching these scenes. They basically rub mud all over each other and talk about how erotic it is. I"
    --Don't you remember Jake and Vienna doing the same thing--I still have stress flashbacks from it.

    "along with a pair of earrings that I swear my 5th grade teacher used to wear in 1990."
    --You were in the 5th grade in 1990? I now have to go eat my own body weight in ice cream to make myself feel better.