Tuesday, August 2, 2011

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: the men tell all

This episode would have been more aptly titled "the men tell nothing." I'm so sick of ABC not being able to secure the MOST controversial cast members for their little reunion show. During Ali Fedo-whatever's season, there was no sign of Rated R (the guy with a girlfriend) or Frank (the guy who left Ali for his ex-girlfriend) and surprise, surprise there was no sign of Bentley.

ABC. I don't get it! I used to work for you. Why can't you just add a clause in all their contracts that says they have to appear on the Men Tell All special? Or at least why not do a Bentley/Chris Harrison interview that wasn't in front of a live audience? Don't let these assholes BLOW you OFF like this. It's the biggest rip off.

Anyway. The special began with a boring recap Q & A between Chris Harrison and Cupcake. I have to say, she actually looked pretty darn classy in this sequence. Those silky button down tops really work for her. Don't freak out. She'll go back to her trampy ways later in the episode. There was nothing really interesting about this interview, besides Harrison reassuring Ash-tard that it wasn't her fault that Bentley was a total tool and that she fell for him anyway. This was basically the theme of the entire episode. Ash was an innocent in all of this.

NO SHE WASN'T! Look, I can sympathize with a girl who's super into a guy that's playing her. We've all been there. BUT how many of us have been told prior to even meeting the guy that he PLANNED to PLAY us. Let's call it like we see it.

Fact: Ashley was told that Bentley was only there to promote his business and would leave in about a week.

Fact: Bentley left after a week.

Fact: Even after the whole thing played out exactly like Ashley was told, she still cried like a baby when Bentley left. And continued to talk about how much she missed him and that she was falling in love with him. It never occurred to her that maybe the warnings about him were correct.

Fact: They only knew each other for a week!!!! I'm sorry, but it is Ashley's fault for "falling in love" with someone after seven days and a total of three conversations. Everyone who is trying to sugar coat it for her (yeah, I'm talking to you Fedetowsky) is not doing the girl any favors. She's just bound to repeat the same mistakes.

Here are a few other highlights from the Men Tell All Special.

*Once again, there are at least five guys on the panel that may or may not have actually been on the show. It's very possible ABC picked them up off the streets and figured no one would notice.

*Drunk Tim is kind of charming. I really want him to be in a sitcom playing Jim Belushi's younger brother.

*I've never hated a live studio audience more. Their reaction shots are beyond ridiculous. And I'm sad to report that I was once one of them. That's right. I went to the Men Tell All taping and I believe I was caught with my mouth wide open in shock a couple times. Don't be fooled people. I was aghast when they told us we were not allowed to eat or leave to use the bathroom.

*Ryan is an even bigger tool than we originally thought. He's so desperate for love that he actually bought books on how to ask girls questions that he not only read, but studied, highlighted, and made notes in the margin. Ryan, you should have just saved yourself a lot of time and humiliation and bought this book. Also, I'm very confused by the timing of this taping. How come there was zero mention of the fact that Ryan went all the way to Fiji to try and be with Ashley again?

*Side note, I still think the guys are a little too mean to Ryan. Obviously, they are all a bunch of closeted homophobes.

*William needs some serious therapy and he needs to learn to love himself. The guy needs to stop beating himself up about what he did on the show and realize that with the exception of Bentley he was the most entertaining contestant. If he wants to be embarrassed about anything, it should be the Vegas date where he "almost" married Cupcake.

*Ames is still a total robot and for whatever reason the ladies in the audience love him. I get it, he's sweet and weirdly asexual and that makes them feel safe, but the guy is so freaking stiff. He literally says things like "That. Was. Not. Expected." I loved that in one of the clips packages it was revealed that the rest of the dudes also thought he was robotic. It was a total relief to hear that Ames is going to appear on Bachelor Pad 2, which I hope means he's not going to be the next Bachelor. He's just way too awkward. By the way, what a waste of an education. The guy went to Harvard, Yale, and Columbia and what is he doing with his life? Going to hang out with Jake Pavelka in a dilapidated mansion in the valley.

*Nick is a waste of screen time. He keeps talking, but doesn't say anything funny or remotely interesting.

*The show conveniently makes no reference to the fact that both Mickey and Constantine dumped Ashley. They even talk about the reactions in Hong Kong after the dudes learned that Bentley paid Ashley a visit and somehow there's no mention of the fact that Mickey was so annoyed by her that he went home.

*Cupcake arrives in an outfit that would definitely get her kicked out of a Rodeo Drive boutique. Her attire this season personally offends me. Yes, Ash is not a super model, but she's not busted either. They don't have to dress her like a whore to make her look attractive.

*Then we get the obligatory appearance by three previous bachelor(ettes) who probably cried tears of joy when they got the call from Chris Harrison inviting them on the show. Just because you are on my TV screen, it does not make any of you relevant. Anyway, Ali, Jason, and Deanna all go on and on about how hard it is to do the show. Are you fucking kidding me? What's hard is working in a coal mine or fishing Alaskan King Crab NOT handing out roses to a bunch of douche bags. Then they give an emotional Ash a pep talk about how she did everything right with the whole Bentley thing. These people are enablers and they need to be stopped.

Anyway, by the time you read this, the finale will have aired and we'll all know whether Ash picked JP or Ben. I'm Team JP of course, but does anyone else get the feeling that somehow or another she doesn't end up with either one of them? Notice that Chris Harrison asked her if she was happy, but he NEVER asked her if she was in love. That's a dead giveaway. Please read our recap of the finale first thing Wednesday morning. Normally, I'd try to post it earlier, but I think I'll be too busy rewinding the bitch fight between Ashley and her sister over and over and over again. It's going to be Perfaccckkkt!

No comments:

Post a Comment