Monday, August 8, 2011

Happy "you broke my effing heart" day

We at the BLOW OFF believe that too many holidays out there celebrate things like love and family and not enough of them commemorate the people that have taken a shat all over our lives. And since August kind of gets the shaft when it comes to holidays, we are declaring August 8th..

International "You Broke My Fucking Heart" Day.

Here are just a few of the things you can do to celebrate.

That email or text message you've been contemplating sending to an ex? SEND IT. Today is a day where messages of anger, bitterness, longing, and plain old post break-up curiosity are totally welcome. do it, do it, do it...

Make a bold move and change your Facebook profile pic to a photo of you and your ex. And update your status to tell your friends to do the same thing. Let's take this shit viral.

If you broke someone's fucking heart, send them flowers or a singing telegram with a note that says "If I didn't break your fucking heart, you wouldn't be able to celebrate You Broke My Fucking Heart Day. How's that for a silver lining?"

Holding on to souvenirs of a past relationship or still haven't been able to take off that wedding ring post split? There's no day like today. Get rid of that shit.

Write down the names of the people that broke your heart and make a list of all the things that suck about them. Here's one of mine.

Allan
1. Abnormally large head.
2. Really cheesy tattoos.
3. Bad posture.
4. Thought anarchy was cool.
5. Didn't always smell very good.
6. Actually managed to look less hot while playing guitar.

Get laid. Nothing heals a broken heart faster than having sex with someone else. But this person has to be semi-attractive. Cause nothing makes a broken heart ache more than having sex with an ugly person.

Call in sick to work. Holidays = sit your fat ass down and watch a reality TV marathon on bravo.

Lay in bed and listen to I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt on repeat. Then, after one hour, do the exact same thing with Return of the Mack which just so happens to be the international anthem for "You Broke My Fucking Heart" Day.

Treat yourself to a pedicure or a burger or a super shady Thai massage that ends with an orgasm. Remember, you've earned it.

Booty call your ex, have sex with them, and then look deep into their eyes and say "happy 'you broke my fucking heart' day. You just got herpes." or if they really screwed you over, tell them they just got a new strain of AIDS from some obscure village in an eighth world country that kills them in seven days, but not before all their hair falls out, followed by their eyeballs, their fingernails, and their nipples at which point they bleed to death.

Now, please take a moment to commemorate the day by listening to our anthem:

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