Monday, August 1, 2011

I'm breaking up with you. So, sue me.

Did you guys hear about this woman from Michigan that's suing a guy for $8,000 for breaking up with her? The woman, Cheryl Gray is a fifty year old paralegal who claims that the man, Wylie Iwan, a thirty five year old waiter at Applebee's led her on. And now the motherfucker's gonna pay.

Apparently, Cheryl and Wylie met playing Mafia Wars on Facebook and then Cheryl planned a trip to Washington to visit Wylie. But a week before her trip, Wylie told Cheryl he met another woman at a bar then wrote mean stuff on her Facebook wall. Cheryl's now suing him for misrepresentation, promissary estoppel, defamation of character, intentional infliction, and emotional distress.

I know exactly what you're thinking. Who would date a waiter at Applebee's and what the fuck is promissary estoppel? Don't panic. I looked it up: In the law of contracts, the doctrine that provides that if a party changes his or her position substantially either by acting or forbearing from acting in reliance upon a gratuitous promise, then that party can enforce the promise although the essential elements of a contract are not present.
Cheryl is a mad GENIUS. Do you know how much money I could have made all these years if I sued every guy that never called me or broke up with me on the grounds of promissary estopal? I'd be so rich, I could pay people to read this blog. Sheeeeiiiittt.

I'm guessing Cheryl's case will probably get thrown out or Wylie will counter-sue for defamation of character (Like all mad genius people, Cheryl is a little cuckoo and started a hate page for Wylie on Facebook). But either way, it got me thinking: how different would the game of dating be if people knew they could legitimately get sued for BLOWING someone OFF? These are some of the things that I think would happen.

Women would be richer than men. Statistically speaking, I've got to believe that men break up with women more than women break up with men. Lesbians would hardly ever get sued.

Prostitutes would make serious bank, because men would be terrified to have casual sex without a business transaction taking place.

The online dating industry would collapse. First dates would take way longer to coordinate, because each party's respective lawyers would have to draw up a pre-dating contract.

Speaking on the phone would suddenly make a huge resurgence and everyone would stop texting and emailing. Who wants anything in writing? That shit is evidence!

Celebrities would stay together for way longer.

None of us would ever date someone purely to pass the time. Way too risky.

Sluts would end up on the endangered species list.

Women would have to pass a psychological evaluation before men would agree to take them out on a date. Men would have to pass a physical that showed they are perfectly capable of getting an erection after five drinks.

Tiger Woods would go broke. So would Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore. The Kardashians would mysteriously continue to get richer.

And finally, while getting dumped...we wouldn't have to say things like, "I understand" or "Can't we try to make this work?" or "You're right, this is for the best."

Instead we'd utter five precious little words.
"You better lawyer up, bitch."


  1. I don't want to live in a world where sluts are even keeled with my hard earned debt ceiling break ups...who would I look down on...that just ain't right...

  2. I actually feel like I owe women money when the relationship doesn't work out. That way I feel less guilty. If I ever got married and then divorced, I would be that guy who's like, "she can have whatever she wants. I won't fight it."

  3. It's estoppel, not "estopal"

  4. Thank you anonymous, it's now corrected!