Monday, August 29, 2011

the "my ex is getting married" BLOW OFF

Naturally, when you're about to get married, you reflect on some of your exes and past relationships. Have those dudes noticed the change in your Facebook relationship status? Have they noticed all those updates about wedding planning? Are they all hanging out in some seedy basement planning a wedding heist where they kidnap me before I make it down the aisle? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think they all rhue the day they broke up with me now that I'm off the market (or the day I broke up with them, I'm not a total loser.)

As far as I know, none of my old hook ups or boyfriends are married or engaged. I'm sure they'd find a way to accidentally include me on a mass email to friends announcing their plans to settle down, but so far, I haven't received one of those pathetic and obvious attempts to make me care. But once it happens, you better believe I will be examining their wedding photos very closely on Facebook and trying to judge what their new wife has that I don't (most likely boobs). Don't get me wrong, I'm way over these douche faces, but any normal person would be a tad curious.

Like, you can't tell me Reggie Bush hasn't looked through all of Kim Kardashian's wedding photos...or that Jessica Simpson didn't accidentally catch that TLC special where Nick and Vanessa got married.

Anyway..loyal readers, have any of you heard about an ex getting married? Did it give you a wave of nostalgia or did you feel nothing? Did it make you want to send them a "wish you well" email with just the appropriate trace of longing? Did it make you want to storm the altar when the minister asks "speak now or forever hold your peace"? Comment below.

(Thanks to EBM for suggesting this post)


  1. Oddly enough, I actually had this situation sort of flipped right before I got married.
    My ex (from a BAD breakup) called me about two weeks before the wedding to wish me a happy birthday. We hadn't spoken in over 3 years and, no doubt, he probably figured it was time to attempt to re-kindle something despite the fact that the last time we spoke he did the whole "you'll never find anyone as great as me" bit and make me feel like a piece of crap at the bottom of a pile of crap.

    Him: "So what's new with you?"
    Me: "Well, I got my phd, I'm getting married in two weeks and we're moving to Europe. What's new with you?"
    Him: "Well, I lost my job, I moved back in with my parents and I'm single"

    All completely true statements (for both of us), he really couldn't have picked a worse time to call me if he was looking for a pick me up by reflecting on the "ruin" of an ex's life.

    It was sad (but secretly it felt AWESOME).


  2. 2 months after I got the dreaded "I'm not ready for a relationship and I think I need a little 'me time'" I found out - thanks Facebook! - that my ex was engaged to an intern at his office he'd previously referred to as "a friend". An intern. 3 months after that they were married.

    In summation, let us all learn from this experience and turn to Biz Markie for inspiration: I was so in shock my heart went down south. So please listen to the message that I send. Don't ever talk to a girl [boy] who says she just has a friend.


  3. Holy crap! These comments deserve posts all their own. Those boys are shitheads.