Thursday, October 27, 2011

the last call BLOW OFF

this guy never called me

People love to say that you should never date someone you meet in a bar. I beg to differ. You should never date someone you meet at last call. For starters, you're most likely a lot drunker than you were when you started the night, so you could be hitting on a tranny hooker and never know it. Second, you've gone through an entire night of making eyes at fellow bar patrons and dancing your butt off super sexy, all while pretending that your platforms are totally comfortable. And yet no guys have talked to you or bought you a drink. By last call, you'll take whatever you can get.

You should definitely never EVER meet someone at last call in New York City. Why? Because in New York, bars stay open 'til 4am, which means you are probably even more drunk and even with two extra hours to meet someone, you still couldn't hack it. Chances are if a homeless man exposes himself to you on the corner, you'd wake up spooning him in Tompkins Square Park.

I once met a guy I was really excited about at a time even later than last call. First call at the pizza place next door to the bar. Sal's pizza on Avenue A to be more specific. This was back in 2005 when it was still next door to Niagara on the corner of 7th and A. Yes, he seemed pretty inebriated...but he was sober enough to order pizza and eat it standing up which was a good sign, right? His name was West or Weston or some shit like that. From what I remember, we had some good banter going. And look how cute we look in that picture (I mean, I'm practically planning our wedding in my head in that shot). Like all girls who project into the future after one twenty minute conversation, I thought he was going to be the next big thing in my life. We exchanged numbers and he never called me. I even made the "what do I have to lose?" phone call and left him a message, but he blew me off and didn't call back. He a) didn't remember meeting me at all b) remembered meeting me, but mistakenly thought I was a very short tranny hooker or c) he abided by the last call rule in dating. It's bad enough to go out with someone you met at last call, but the girl at the pizza place? Oh, hell no.

Nothing good ever comes out of last call. Just a really awkward morning after and or in my case, unnecessary heartache. If you disagree, comment below. If you agree and got a bad case of gonorrhea the last time you went home with someone you met at last call, comment below.


  1. This is hilarious and so true! No damn good comes out of a last call hook up. I remember once meeting a guy close to last call (I was on vacation and bending the rules) and we all went out to the kebab stand (sexy) afterward. But the main problem was I was sobering up as he was getting drunker. So when I blearily saw that he couldn't eat the kebab without first smooching it into his cheek because he kept missing his mouth, it was over. I think I just said I was tired and was going home to pass out. Ugh.

    Also, I totally did New Year's at Niagara one year. True story.

  2. You called him!?!? Oh, Sara, I wish we had been friends back then, I would've set you straight. Anyhow, good thing you held out. Your husband (judging by the Facebook pics I see him in) is way cuter!

    On another note, at last call, I frantically scan for the drunkest woman in the bar, even if she's not attractive. Getting that number for the night is a badge of honor amongst your guy friends and an ego boost - even if the girl isn't hot.

  3. The only thing I now want in the world is for someone who knows THAT guy to stumble onto THIS site and for him to show up with his excuse and/or explanation.

  4. @Jen, he will totally not remember ever meeting me, I am positive of this. @svb-- really, a girl isn't supposed to even make a last ditch effort on calling a guy just so she can say she gave it a shot? Oh, and my H word thanks you.

  5. A last ditch effort from a guy who made a last ditch effort on you at 4am? If you met him sober, I would say... maybe. Or, if you just wanted some good-lovin, body-rockin, knockin boots all night long, then nothing is off limits.

    Also, am I not allowed to use the "H" word in its entirety?