Monday, October 31, 2011

the trick or treat BLOW OFF

Halloween, in simpler times. Notice me giving the pumpkin bunny ears.

I'm not a big fan of Halloween. It's another one of those holidays that exists purely to put pressure on all of us to do something fabulous AND to come up with a really clever-slash-sexy costume.

But I think the real reason I'd rather BLOW OFF October 31st is because it makes me feel old. I really miss being a kid on Halloween. Those days were the best. Roseanne was still on the air with the best ever Halloween episodes, and you got to go trick or treating. Sigh. How I miss feeling the weight of my pillow case as it filled with Tootsie Rolls and bite sized Snickers. And those Sugar Daddies that took like five hours to eat. I miss the hour I'd spend after trick-or-treating, meticulously counting my candy and organizing it by brand (wait, did I have OCD?)

Once I got older, Halloween turned into a steady progression of suckage. I got dumped by the guy that took my virginity on Halloween. The next year, I freaked out my first time trying ecstasy. Then, a couple years later I got into the most epic of fights with my two besties at a Halloween party, while throwing myself at a co-worker who rejected me. And one year...I was stuck in traffic for two hours driving from West Hollywood to Los Feliz. Worst of all, the H bomb is like the Grinch that stole Halloween, so I never get to do all those "cute" couple costumes that Seal and Heidi Klum do. My Bonnie would be short a Clyde. It's like I'm...SINGLE...on Halloween. Scary.

Halloween just further proves that Thanksgiving is the best holiday ever. You get to wear normal clothes (or dress up like an Indian or a Pilgrim if you're feeling adventurous!), you get to eat a shit ton of food, it's always on a Thursday so you always get Friday off, and generally you don't have to worry about sick fucks hiding razor blades in your cranberry sauce. So, today...on Halloween, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving in 25 days or at least a steady stream of Roseanne reruns.