Thursday, November 3, 2011

the feminist BLOW OFF

The women of my generation are in a bit of a conundrum. We want equal rights and equal pay, but we also want our boyfriends to carry our heavy suitcases. It seems like the guys we're dating respect our independence and feminist tendencies so much, they let us do everything ourselves. As a courtesy. Because they think that's what we want. Well, we're hypocrites. There are still a few things from the 1950s we'd like to keep in the 21st century. Don't think of it as diminishing our feminism, think of it as increasing your manhood.

Here are the few instances where we'd like you to forget we're feminists just for five minutes.

10. Already mentioned, but we'd always like help carrying our luggage. The H bomb is 6 feet 2 and I'm five feet tall. It doesn't make sense that I should lug around a big old suitcase to the airport, just because I want to be treated like I can do anything myself. I can only do everything myself in theory.

9. When it comes to date nights, we don't like to drive. It's still nice being taken somewhere by a guy. Mainly because it allows us to do what we do best: be annoying backseat drivers.

8. Spiders and cockroaches are gross. We'll kill them when we're desperate and you're out of town on a business trip, but if you're in the vicinity of said insect, get out some motha-fuckin' Raid and show us you've got a pair.

7. I've mentioned this plenty of times, but even though we're usually okay with going dutch and those of us that don't have ice cold hearts will always reach for our wallets...we still judge you if you don't treat us to dinner. Especially on a first date.

6. Would it kill you to let us get off the elevator first? I mean, they let women and children get off the Titanic first and you can't wait five seconds for us to exit an elevator before you? You know you get to stare at our ass, right?

5. We want to be able to cry in the work place without it being the subject of a gender relations debate. If it's okay for John Boehner to cry, then it's okay for us to do it too. Plus, we get our periods and it makes us emotional. WTF is his excuse?

4. Take the bull by the horns when it comes to planning dates. There's this thing called that makes it really easy to make dinner reservations. But if you pick the wine or order off the menu for us, we will be so offended we won't give you a blow job after dinner OR a foot massage.

3. Girls fart and poop and burp. We're human. And eventually we'll be comfortable enough to do it around you. But we'd rather you ignored it and pretended like we smelled like vanilla all the time. So, avoid commenting on how bad the bathroom smells after we've been in there. We have no idea why it smells, the only reason we've been in there for a long time is because we were plucking our eyebrows.

2.Don't be afraid to dominate in the bedroom. We don't always need to be on top. But feel free to skip that whole pulling our hair thing. Ladies, am I in the minority or are some of you really into that? A little tug is okay, but we don't need the whole Ike Turner.

1. Be our hero. If someone is rude to us in public or another guy tries to hit on us in front of you, it's okay to get a little possessive and throw down. But then run like the wind, because we're not really into guys that fight. And don't forget to apologize when we lecture you and say we can fight our own battles.


  1. This is all so true. Maybe my feelings on feminism are similar to those on politics: socially liberal, physically conservative. That makes me a librarian, right?

    In any case, I'd definitely be in favor of a moderate party. I'll call it Semi-nism. This is a movement that allows me to demand equal wages, yet doesn't judge me for crying alone in the bathroom on my lunch break. I mean, just because I want to be independent, doesn't mean I have a zero tolerance chivalry policy.

    And yes, I'm allowed to be this complex. After all, I am a woman.

  2. Sassypants, I may have to start introducing myself as a seminist. Love it! And I'm with you on the chivalry thing.