Monday, November 7, 2011

How I Break Up With Girls

In my time, I've done many things to skirt responsibility and accountability to women... and to society as a whole. Rest assured, there's logic behind the madness. When I was in 7th grade, I started to garner the interest of girls. It's quite a crazy thing to realize you wield so much power. Ever since, it's almost been a curse to be so ridiculously good-looking. So, I was dating this gal in 8th grade, Carey D, when a newer, hotter girl decided she liked me, but before I get to that, let me tell you how this one started. I walked to her house with my bandana hanging out of my back pocket - we were trend setters in a gang we called KYD - Krazy, Young, and Dangerous. We were ridiculously good-spellers and we wore neither red or blue. It was a time of Cross-Colours, where being a multi-cultural tolerant gang was ground-breaking. I knocked on Carey D's door, with a rose in hand, and asked her to be my girl. Her response was comical.


Carey D - You want to go out with me?!?! But you're so popular.

Me - I like you and that's what matters.

Carey D - (tears well up in her eyes) Okay.

After raw-dogging her in several different positions, I left her house and that was that.

Hahahha, just kidding! What 8th grader has sex!?!? And who uses the word "raw-dogging"? Gross! Anyhow, I didn't have sex until the 9th grade. Well, two weeks later, this hot girl named Jessica told me she liked me. So, I called up Carey D to tell her I wanted to break up, and all I could hear was her crying on the other end. It was the saddest, "I've got to go" that I've ever heard in my life. Right then and there, I decided that I never wanted to break up or hurt another person again.

Fast forward 5 years - I'm now in a relationship for the last 2.5 years because I can't force myself to break up with this annoying girl, that makes all of my friends sick because of her bubbly nature. Let's call this girl, Stephanie Keller. If I had it my way, I would've been broken up with Stephanie after 8 months. But what do you do when you hate the feeling of hurting someone, anyone, and someone - Stephanie - literally says to you all the time, "Don't ever break up with me, because I would just die." And then her eyes would get all misty. Let's just say that I really thought I would have to marry her and had accepted that fact. In the end, thankfully, she broke up with me a short time after that. I was a little bit bitter, because she broke up with me to date another guy. I had wasted 17 months dating this annoying theatre geek who verbally guilt-tripped me to think I had to date her forever! Looking back, almost everything she did annoyed me.

Fast forward to today - I act like a dickhead to girls I'm not interested in, so that I get out of having to ever breakup with someone. Oddly, this tactic tends to make girls like me even more. Anyhow, this tactic, works like this: When I start dating someone - aka raw-dogging them - if I realize that the girl is annoying in any way, I start showing off my worst possible traits. That way it makes it easy for us both to part ways. I will sleep 13 - 14 hour days, to the point where they're laying next to me, bugging me to get up. Then, I'll turn my back on them and tell them I probably won't be getting up anytime in the near future, so if they have something to do, they should go ahead and do it.

Other things I do - I act like I have no ambition. "What do I do for work?!? Nothing. Is that a problem? By the way, should we eat Cheetos for breakfast or lunch?" I want girls to know that life with me is going to amount to watching Family Guy reruns all day long. And it's a good thing Family Guy is on like 10 times a day on several different channels. It's heaven! I also act like I have nothing else on my mind that doesn't involve alcohol or finding the next party. I rarely ask the girl any prying questions, so she won't get the sense we're getting to know one another. Return calls or texts mostly take place at 2am or 3am, and only consist of, "come over. I want you." Sex when I'm in this state means I'm going to do and try everything with you. Nothing is out-of-bounds. I will call you dirty names and feel a twinge of guilt in my mind because I feel so naughty for having said something so bad.

So, if you find yourself in a similar predicament, show the girl your WORST qualities. Fart. Pick your nose. Eat three Big Macs and then say you feel like exploding, lift your shirt above your belly, lay on the ground, and rub your stomach, going "uggggh, I'm pregnant" - over and over. Blatantly pronounce menu items at Italian restaurants incorrectly. "I'll have the [fet-uh-seen-ee] and [bruhs-chetta]." This will annoy and embarrass them. I once watched Zoolander with a girl at the theaters, and following the movie - I refused to make small talk, but would dramatically look at her with my Blue Steele face when she asked me a question. She laughed at first, but after an hour, she was like, "okay, can you stop doing that now?" True story. I kept doing it. It's actually pretty fun to do socially unacceptable things.

Sooner or later, these girls are going to stop calling and won't even require an answer as to what went wrong. They'll want to put as much distance between them and your "worst" side as they possibly can, meaning you avoid maturing as an individual and breaking up with someone in a controlled, responsible, respected way. I don't have the answers on what normal people do, but my way is much more entertaining. It's like Andre "The Giant" when he suggests to Westley that they fight each other using their bare hands, as opposed to killing Westley immediately with one throw of a large boulder - which would have been very unsportsmanlike. He didn't have to miss, you know! With bare hands, it's much more entertaining! Get the analogy?!? Neither do I, but good luck being a dick to avoid acting like an adult!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

2 comments:

  1. I don't think this entails being a dick. I think it's way more honorable than the people (my former self included) who do everything they can to make the girl head over heels in love, even though half the shit they're doing is just to win-over a girl they know they have no long-term interest in. I just recently lectured my little cousin about this, because it's a disease particularly prominent with the guys in our family.

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  2. by little cousin...i think you mean my brother. i think this is worthy of an entire blow off post, that is once your phd exams are over :)

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