Thursday, November 17, 2011

the "I'm not a mind reader" BLOW OFF

If there's one thing I've learned about the opposite sex over the last ten years it's this: there is no such thing as male intuition. At least when it comes to relationships. Maybe guys can read a room when it comes to say a staff meeting, but they certainly can't do it when it comes to their girlfriends. Ladies, how many times have you heard your BF say "I can't read your mind"? Like, everyday. But allow me to dispel the whole "mind-reader" myth. The truth is, guys--- we don't want you to be psychic. We just want you to have common sense. If you're lacking in both departments, here's a useful reference guide that might save you from the headache of a pissy girlfriend.

10. You've been out of town for a week or more for whatever reason (business, visiting relatives, etc). When you get back you either A. Make plans with the dudes. OR B. make plans for a double date. And then you get really confused when your girlfriend goes bitch. You have no idea what's wrong, you're not a mind-reader. Hint hint: what's wrong is that after not seeing each other for an extended period of time, your girlfriend wants to hang out with you and only you. Consider it a compliment and don't make plans with other people.

9. You're watching TV and your girlfriend is on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor of your apartment, while mumbling under her breath that she does everything. You are really confused. Why is she so upset? You offered to pay for a housekeeper. Wrong answer. When a woman is cleaning anything, she wants to believe she's with the kind of guy that pitches in without being asked to pitch in. Press pause on the DVR, turn on some music, and grab a mop. You will score like 10,000 points.

8. You went out for a guys night and when your girlfriend asks you how it was, you mention that a couple of your buddies' girlfriends were there. She doesn't have sex with you that night and you have no idea why she's upset. She was totally cool with you hanging out with your friends. Really? You don't know why she's upset? Allow me to break it down for you. If there were girls there then it wasn't a guys night out and now her feelings are hurt that she wasn't invited to hang out. Naturally, she starts to wonder why your guy friends love their significant others enough to bring them along when you never bring her. In a nutshell, you don't have to read minds to know--- us girls ALWAYS want to be invited, even if we don't want to go.

7. It's date night, yay! A romantic night for you and your lady. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, so much. For starters, if we're acting a little quiet in the car after getting our hair done and wearing a cute new outfit...chances are, it's because you didn't tell us we look great. Girls like compliments. You do not have to call Miss Cleo to figure that out. Plus, there's nothing worse than having to tell a guy you want to hear that you're pretty. It kind of removes all the romance if we feel like the next time you say it, it's just to appease us.

6. This one is totally not a personal anecdote. You just got a puppy. And you have to get up several times in the middle of the night, so the puppy can go potty. And it's so great that your girlfriend (or wife) let's you sleep, while she gets up every time with the puppy. It's so nice of her that you have no idea why she's acting all annoyed about it in the morning. It's because she doesn't want to be the one to get up with the puppy every time, but she wants you to help out of the goodness of your heart without her asking you to. Refer back to #9. It's called common sense, men. You will never be punished for offering to help.

5. Your girlfriend has to go to a really terrible social event that she's dreading and can't get out of. You consider this the perfect opportunity to have a night out with your buddies and you can't understand why she's upset. If only you could read minds! Here's a tip: it's because she wants you to offer to accompany her to said terrible social event, so that she doesn't have to suffer through it all by herself or quietly seethe when everyone else's boyfriends are there.

4. Something really good happens to your girlfriend. Like she gets a promotion or wins an award or gets into her dream grad school. You pause your video game long enough to give her a high five and ask her to get you a beer while she's up. Next thing you know...she slams the door and pumps up the volume on her favorite Tori Amos playlist. What gives? If only she would just tell you, because you're not psychic. Um. You should not need a super power to know she's butt hurt, because the next door neighbor was happier for her than you were. Any time something good happens to your girlfriend, pretend like she just won the lottery. Scratch that. Pretend like you just won the lottery. That's the kind of over the moon reaction we're looking for.

3. It's her birthday. Bedtime rolls around and you're feeling a little too tired to make a move. Plus, she doesn't seem to give you any signals that she wants to have sex. So, you fall asleep. The next morning, she's acting a little cold. What the eff? It's not like you forgot her birthday. If only you could read minds! Well, now you can. Sure, us ladies like to be the seducers every now and again, but when it comes to the day we're another year older,we don't want to feel like we have to rape you in order to get some.

2. This ones for the married couples with kids. Not that I have direct experience, but I do have a puppy now, so that sort of counts. If your wife is acting a little emotionally distant and you have no idea why and that microchip you installed in her brain is not working, chances are...she just wants to hear she's a good mom. And she doesn't want to hear it from some random Facebook acquaintance commenting on a cute photo of her kid, she wants to hear it from her baby daddy. Try it with me, dads: You're such a good mom. If you're wondering why your wife hasn't just told you she needs to hear this, refer to #7.

1. Something tragic happens to your girlfriend, like say, the death of a loved one. She's understandably upset. You console her, but the next day you're all perky and chipper and you can't understand why she's curled up on the couch, gripping a pillow, and downing a bottle of wine. You're confused. Why is she being all withdrawn when you totally consoled her yesterday? Here's the thing...cheering someone up isn't just a one stop shop. You have to ask her how she's doing about said tragic incident multiple times a day for at least three months. And if you've met her parents, you also have to call them to send condolences without her asking you to.

Boys. Trust me. Follow the above steps and you too can have woman's intuition.


  1. All men must receive this list!

  2. I don't agree with most of the things on this list especially 9. Why the hell do I have to help someone clean the house if they refused to hire a housekeeper, even though I said I'd pay? Clean the house by yourself. That's your decision.