Tuesday, November 22, 2011

RIP: the Bachelorette's Ali Fedotowsky & Roberto Martinez

Say it ain't so. Ali Fedo-whatevs and Roberto are dunzo. I don't understand how this happened! These two were together for eighteen months, but in Bachelorette years that's like thirty two years. Below are my five guesses as to what finally caused the split.

5. Ali had knee problems which was the original reason their wedding was said to be postponed. Roberto is Latino which means he lives and breathes salsa. A relationship between a girl with a bum knee and a salsa master of the universe just can't work. In a crazy turn of events, Ali will be cast in next season's Dancing with the Stars to try and win Roberto back.

4. Remember the Bora Bora episode? Remember how sweaty Roberto was? Now picture that much sweat while you're having sex. How can a girl concentrate on having an orgasm when all she's thinking about is how her pores are totally getting clogged by thick salty man sweat.

3. Roberto was an insurance salesman.

2. Ali decided to come clean with Roberto and tell him that the family members he met on the show were a bunch of actors and that in truth, she was raised by a pack of wolves like I always suspected. Roberto just wasn't all that cool about splitting half his holidays with a bunch of wild animals. Plus, if he can't even get through a Jack London novel, why live in one?

1. Roberto and Ali's relationship was plagued from the beginning...by the ghost of Chris L's mom. Remember her? The one that comes out every time there's a rainbow? Well, she's been haunting the shit out of Ali ever since she dumped her son. There's some serious paranormal activity in Roberto and Ali's bedroom and they decided it was just easier to go there separate ways than deal with Chris L's late mom. Sadly, she's actually a friendly ghost like Casper and just wanted to dish with Ali about the fact that Chris Harrison is a lazy ass with the world's easiest job.

1 comment:

  1. This is brilliant. I just got even more excited for the Bachelor to return!