Tuesday, November 8, 2011

we're on vacation, let's break up

I'm heading to Columbus, Ohio this week with my hussyband to spend an early Thanksgiving with his family. (I mean, our family!) The two of us travel pretty well together. We both prefer to get tipsy before a flight. He likes window seats, I like aisle seats. We probably exchange like three words on the airplane, because he's too busy sleeping, and I'm too busy listening to sad break up music on my Ipod and trying to decide Who Wore it Best in Us Weekly.

Learning if you travel well with a person can be a make it or break it stage in a relationship. I know more than a few people who've actually broken up with their girlfriend or boyfriend WHILE on vacation, including the dude I'm married to. Something about hotel rooms and jacuzzi tubs and exotic locations really makes you wonder if you could spend the rest of your life with a person. What if they want to get up early and hit the hotel gym and you want to sleep 'til noon? What if they have an entire itinerary planned for the day, when you kind of want to lay poolside and catch up on back issues of Us Weekly? What if they don't understand that staying in a hotel should mean having sex more than usual and taking showers together?

So, if you're nine months into a relationship with someone, consider planning a vacation together. (If you don't want to get dumped, I highly recommend waiting past the six month mark, because we all know that's when we're all contemplating whether or not we should cut bait.) Here are a few red flags you should look out for. Does the person embrace other cultures or is every other word out of their mouth "ewww." "it smells here." "I want a cheeseburger." Are they psycho sight see-ers, like they wear a fanny pack and live for audio tours type? Do they think being on vacation means a vacation from having sex with you? Do they insist on wearing platform heels at say, the Coliseum in Rome? Do they decide to get their hair braided and get a fake tribal tattoo on their lower back? If any of the above occurs while you're on vacay with a sig-oth, then it might be time to cut them loose and bed a hot local.

Hopefully, the opposite will happen, and you will discover that you like to do all the same things on vacation. Like video-tape yourselves doing a fake newscast using a pineapple as your microphone.

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