Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011's best BLOW OFFs

If there's one thing I hate about this time of year it's all the top ten lists that come out on the biggest news stories, best songs, most fascinating people, blah-d-blah-blah-blah. It just makes me feel all panicky about how fast the year went by and how one day I'll be old and dead. I figured instead of avoid the top ten lists all together, the BLOW OFF would create our own. SO, hop on our phone booth time machine-- here are the top ten best break ups of 2011 (also known as the only ones I could come up with). Good news: the Kardashians did not make this list.

10. Marc Anthony and JLo announce their break up. After making a career comeback as a new judge on American Idol, Jennifer Lopez finally realized that she was way too hot for Marc Anthony. I for one was super excited for all the post-Anthony possibilities until JLo ended up with the one person douchier than her ex-husband. A 24 year old dancer named Casper who's not even cute.

9. Oprah breaks up with housewives everywhere...and then they break up with her. Yes, I'll admit that I was sad to see the end of the Oprah Winfrey Show. It was like one of those break ups where you totally do not want it to be over, but you know the other party is just counting the days until the end. Oprah made no secret of the fact that she was more than ready to end her talk show to shift her attention to her cable network OWN. Unfortunately...all the housewives she abandoned aren't tuning into her new network which means that even Oprah can fail.

8. the Democrats break up with Anthony Weiner. Congressman Anthony Weiner, one of the more outspoken voices of the left, was planning a run for mayor of New York in 2013 when he accidentally tweeted a photo of his crotch. He completely denied it at first and then finally admitted to engaging in sexual conversations on the internets. After much pressure from his party, Weiner resigned from congress. His wife joins the ranks of the stand by your man camp. In fact, she gave birth to a baby boy last week. I'm guessing they didn't tweet about it though.

7. Charlie Sheen blows off his career. "Winning" might just be the word of the year. Even though he was one of the highest paid stars on television, Sheen still hopped on the crazy train this year and managed to lose his job after bad mouthing his boss in public. You can show up to work on drugs or not show up to work at all...but bruise the ego of a writer and they will kill you off.

6. REM breaks up. I didn't know they were still together either. I can't help but wonder if Michael Stipe listened to Everybody Hurts over and over again after they called it quits.

5. Demi Moore files for divorce from Ashton Kutcher. Every year, at least one male celebrity has sex with a cheesy ass girl that probably auditioned to be a contestant on The Bachelor. This year, that man was Ashton Kutcher. He allegedly had sex with some chick on his wedding anniversary and she sold her story to Us Weekly. Demi and Ashton went camping to work out their marital problems, but she knew she couldn't really stay with the guy and look her daughters in the eye. We are still awaiting whether she'll change her twitter handle from @mrskutcher to @msmoore

4. The GOP breaks up with all its presidential candidates. Seriously, what was up with Republicans this year? They can't seem to make up their mind about which one of them might actually beat Obama. There's been like ten different frontrunners for a GOP presidential candidate, but somehow they've all crapped out. I mean, remember Herman Cain? My money's on Newt. I have a feeling he'll bring us a lot of BLOW OFF material in 2012 (can you say left his wife who had cancer?!)

3. Maria Shriver divorces Ah-nold. The Governator was always a notorious cheater, but at some point, you can't keep turning a blind eye. Like...when you find out your husband has an fourteen year old son with the maid. That's pretty much the deal breaker of all deal breakers.

2. Penn State breaks up with Joe Paterno. This was probably the most disgusting story of 2011. After coaching for Penn State's football team for 50+ years, Joe Paterno was let go this year because he did not report his former assistant coach to authorities after the guy was caught raping a child in the locker room showers. Um...and some people lose their jobs for stealing office supplies. What's even worse is that Penn State students protested his firing. This shit would have never happened on Coach Taylor's watch.

1. the 99% breaks up with the 1%. The Tea Party was SO 2010! This was the year a bunch of dirty hippies and a bunch of really smart people protested the crimes committed by Wall Street and the 1% (except for Warren Buffet who wants to pay more taxes). I'll admit, I haven't been very active in this cause (Occupy LA just doesn't seem as cool as Wall Street or Oakland) but I'm glad people are speaking out about the growing income gap in the United States. Cause seriously-- how can people continue to marry rich if only 1% of the country is rich. Power to the gold-diggers!

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