Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Bachelor: early predictions

Remember yesterday's post where I said TV is amazing? Well, The Bachelor is no exception. The show premieres on January 2nd and I've decided this season, I'm going to stop fighting it. I LOVE how bad it is. I'm actually very excited to give two hours of my life away to watching it (not to mention the additional hour writing the recap.) Plus, boys that wear cardigans are undeniably hot. Ben F. for life!!!

Here are some early final four predictions I'd like to make, purely based on the photos and names of the contestants. How much do we love that ABC apparently does all their photo shoots at JCPenney? Anyway, there is no other information on the ABC website about these people aside from their names. Apparently, Reality Steve already posted the final four and is getting sued by ABC, but I'm not looking at that shit. No spoilers, bring on the shock and awe factor. Like...how shocked were all of you when Chris Harrison got a second job hosting You Deserve It? More proof that he reads my recaps and no longer wanted the title of Laziest Man on Television.

Anyway, a few overall observations about the contestants. Ben F did not get a crop of lookers to choose from. A lot of these girls are ultra-cheesy Vegas cocktail waitress looking. I'm going to give Ben a little credit and go with the least trashy of the bunch.
Courtney: Based on her photo alone, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Courtney makes it to the final two. She's like the brunette Emily, except I get a vibe that she reads books and knows about politics. She looks like the kind of girl that rode horses growing up. And you just know Ben F.'s uptight WASPY mom is really gonna like her. Plus, I have a feeling she might have a good sob story to help up her chances of sticking around. If she's as sweet as she looks, ABC will want her to stay at least till the end so they can make her the next Bachelorette. My favorite thing about Courtney is that she does not spell her name Kortni.

Rachel: The only blonde among the contestants that doesn't look like a total ho-bag. I also think Rachel might get the best style award and possibly works in fashion. The loose fitting tank top says I'm secure enough to hide my cleavage. The accessories are perfectly understated. The haircut is stylish...AND she can pull off bangs way better than Cupcake. But...guys can be iffy on bangs, so that could do Rachel in. Also, she might be one of those contestants that doesn't gush to Ben about how much she loves him which will leave him saying things like "my relationship with Rachel is moving slower than the other girls." There may also be a chance that Rachel is the mega-bitch of the group. All that aside, I could see Courtney and Rachel make it to the final two...Betty VS Veronica style. My favorite thing about Rachel is that she does not spell her name...Reigh Chill.
Elyse: I went with pretty wholesome choices overall, but Elyse has a little edge to her and a little "I might let you stick it in my butt if you play your cards right." I'm betting she watches sports and is good at playing it cool around guys and making them feel comfortable. She'll probably tell Ben she's more of a beer girl than a wine girl, which will totally win him over, because guys love a challenge. I also think she could be the single mom of the group or the girl that got really hurt after a messy divorce with her high school sweetheart. She's got some bad girl in her which is why she spells her name Elyse instead of Elise, but she's down to earth enough to not spell her name L-Leese. If she does make it to the final four, her predictably trashy family might take her out of the running.
Lindzi: The perfect balance of blonde and brunette. Lindzi's belt says: I love wine tasting and picking grapes and I'm from the south. If I were Ben, I'd watch out for her though, because she seems like she could have career aspirations in broadcast journalism. Which would mean...drum roll please...she's not in it for the right reasons. I'm also guessing she has a loud Julia Roberts like laugh and will get really excited at the site of a helicopter or a full moon. Bitch is already on my shit list for spelling her name like she's four and still learning to sound out letters.

So, those are my very early predictions for the final four, but I can't end this post without talking about---
Sheryl: What up, Cougar! I'm so freaking excited for Sheryl. I am hoping like the masked man from Cupcake's season, the show keeps Sheryl around for a few episodes purely for comic relief. I feel like she could be a Mrs. Garrett type figure in the house and that the scenes of the girls sun-bathing will take on a Facts of Life tone to them. Or maybe she's more like Dorothy from Golden Girls and she'll feed the girls cheesecake late at night when they get all stressed out about dating a guy who's dating twenty five other girls. I really hope Ben breaks all the rules and ends up with Sheryl and they become ABC's very own Harold & Maude. OR better yet, I really really hope Sheryl is the next bachelorette.
Jaclyn: I predict she goes home in the first episode.

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