Thursday, December 1, 2011

the bad kisser BLOW OFF

I'll be the first to admit that I was a bit late to the kissing game. Even though I'd spent years dreaming about it, my first kiss was nothing short of a disaster. I was so nervous, that after just a few seconds of actual mouth to mouth contact I recoiled, said, "I'm really bad at that, so we're going to stop," and bolted into my house. I was nearly 18. Then came the makeout. As you can imagine, I found this to be even more terrifying. But eventually, once I ended my awkward alternating pattern of trembling and laughing, I think I got the hang of it. Hell, I even started to like it!

I'd like to say that once I got to college I went wild and started kissing everyone and their brother, but obviously, I'm not nearly that cool. In fact, over the course of 2-and-a-half years I managed to keep the number of guys-that-I'd kissed to 1 hand. Ok, let's be real, 1 finger. Yes, I know, the term "late bloomer" doesn't even begin to cover it.

During my junior year of college, all too aware of my nun-level stats, I devised a classy little plan. It was a quarter long experiment, to be recorded in a blog, where I sought to multiply my list by 10 and makeout with a random guy every week! This got off onto a good start, too. That first weekend I sloppily made out with a friendly young chap named Santiago (his friends called him Santi), and then consequently went to the hospital for acute intoxication. So much for liquid courage. Needless to say, I ended the experiment and all drinking for the rest of the term.

Since then, I've managed to kiss a number of other guys (I'm still under ten) and avoided subsequent hospitalization. However, this success has only made me realize how many bad kissers there really are out there. And unfortunately, I've blown off 2 guys after being disenchanted by their kissing technique.

The first guy I blew off happened after our second kiss. Although I was unimpressed with our previous lip lock, (far too much initial tongue) I was a bit intoxicated, and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt by trying it out again a few days later. However, this was a mistake. Again, he led with way too much tongue, which was really rough, and he kept positioning his body in a more submissive role. This was never amended with actual rhythm since we only kissed in brief intervals of commercial breaks during an episode of Chelsea Lately (another red flag to be discussed at an entirely different time). It was really weird, and I was not feeling it. Yet, the worst part of the entire interaction was when he made the comment, "I'm so relieved you're not a bad kisser." This was alarming for 2 reasons: a. I couldn't say the same for him, and b. his awful performance from the first kiss affected mine to the point that he thought I was bad. I broke things off shortly after.

The next blow off happened about a year later. I was finally going to kiss someone that I thought I'd really liked, only to have my crush obliterated by horrible kissing. This guy employed way too much biting. Again, I tried my best to go with it, but fearing a cleft palette, I said, "You're hurting me." This concern went completely ignored, and I found myself playing defense and waiting for him to get tired and stop. I moved away about a month later.

So, there it is. My kiss-tory. Clearly, I'm not an expert, yet I do think that kissing is an important aspect of any romantic relationship and a strong indicator of chemistry. But what about you? Do you think the quality of a kiss is a justifiable reason for a blow off? Can people be taught to kiss differently, or better? Can you like someone enough that you can see past the bad kissing to encourage improvement, or is it just too much of a turnoff to overcome?


  1. Love this post! I was a late bloomer too, didn't have my first kiss 'til I was seventeen. I remember being at the guy's house and thinking it def wasn't going to happen that day, b/c he ordered and ate a bbq way he would try and kiss me with that kind of breath. He did.

    Also, in college-- a few of my girlfriends started making out with each other and I just knew I couldnt kiss any of them. I could not deal with the idea of any of them thinking i was a bad kisser.

  2. Hmmm, good post! I've been meaning to ask someone about this. I've come across a lot of girls that don't use any tongue. I could understand not doing so for a first kiss, but for a make-out, it's just kind of weird, no? Sadly, I'm dating one right now -- and it's not that she's a prude or anything, she just doesn't use tongue when kissing.

    Wtf do I do? Is it awkward for me to say something? It's been about a month and a half now.

  3. Btw, my first kiss left me with a bloodied, crazily, swollen lip for two weeks! :)

  4. No tongue at all? Shoot. I have no idea how you bring something like this up. and you can't exactly stick your tongue down her throat. Sassypants, what say you?

    I want to hear more about this bloodied lip-- was your first kiss with a vampire?!

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  6. I am in full favor of proper tongue usage. I also enjoy communication. Have you initiated tongue only to have her say, "I don't do that." If so, did you respond, "Well, you better use it on something else."

    Ok, I'm sorry, that was inappropriate and not helpful. However, if this is a legitimate issue, I would talk to her directly about it. Relationships involve compromise (or so I've heard). If she really cares about you, she'll want to make your intimate moments as enjoyable as possible, even if it is a little out of her comfort zone. You can even phrase it as, "I think it's really sexy when..." And I'm sure you can handle the rest.

    Frankly, I waited too long to waste my time with bad kissers, and if I were you, I'd probably blown her off already. Obviously, you like her. Talk it out and get some tongue berets, because society has given the French credit for two wonderful things: fries and kissing.

  7. Sassypants, you have sassy advice. But good kissing technique isn't important enough for me to call it off. I went on a dating binge looking for the perfect match, failed, but ended up finding something nice and casual with this girl that has worked out pretty well. And she's proven to be inspiring in ways that I didn't expect, so I'm happy I've avoided my urge to blowoff after the second date. Granted, I had never enjoyed being single as much as before I met her, so I'm not too optimistic about the long-term prospects, but I'm trying not to worry about that for now. I like your suggestion of how to bring it up, though.

  8. Sara, perhaps a bit of tip of the tongue, but that's about it. Really though, my friend said he's been coming across this a lot too, lately. He got oral sex on the 3rd date with a girl who wouldn't kiss him with any tongue action. 3 out of my past 5 first kisses have been a no-go on the tongue front, too (blow-offs proceeded within a date after 4 out of the 5, so no follow-up data).

    And the bloodied lip first kiss was a mark of honor. The girl was the nerdy hot girl a lot of the douche's would hit on in high school, so I kind of got to wear the scar with pride. Believe it or not, I actually have the kiss on tape. It was at a party at my house and my friend's were recording (and like you guys I too was 17). Maybe that's why I find the no-tongue kissing so boring -- my first kiss involved super intense lip biting and heavy tongue-use. I promise, once I finish these damn quals I'll post about it.

  9. I love this thread about kissing! I think some girls don't use tongue, because they've kissed guys that use too much of it and they're traumatized? O. I want to post that recording on the blow off. That's pretty amazing. I'd like to think i too was a nerdy hot girl.

  10. The always reliable baseball analogy sheds some light on my take. A tongueless make out is barely worthy of a trip to first base, and as a sexually liberal hitter I usually feel like my prude partner will leave me stranded there. In other words, from my experience I've found that if the tongue doesn't come into play from the get go, then you might as well take your jersey off and hit the showers. You're never touching home plate— at least not for nine innings. And unless this girl really gets/inspires me like O's latest partner has, I rather throw in the towel than stay around for extras. If you're baseball ignorant, I pray this comment will tempt you into checking out a rule book.