Tuesday, December 13, 2011

the persian excursion BLOW OFF

They say once you go black you never go back...until you go on a Persian excursion. I wouldn't know. On either count. Aside from one terrible blind date, I have never dated an Iranian guy- even though I am in fact an Iranian. And now that I'm married to a white guy, it's an excursion I won't ever be taking. (Note: In case you were wondering, Persian and Iranian are in fact the same thing).

I'm not sure what prevented me from ever dating inside my own race. A significant portion of my cousins have Iranian spouses. I know several other Iranian females that would ultimately like to end up with an Iranian guy. Hell, I know half-Iranian/half-American peeps that ended up with full Iranians. So, what's my problem? Let's find out!

Here are the top ten reasons I never dated an Iranian guy. Warning: I'm about to make massive generalizations:

10. It just wouldn't be fair to my unborn children. Seriously. They already have a 50% chance of having big noses and hair in unwanted places. If I married an Iranian guy, those poor kids wouldn't stand a chance.

9. Latinos aren't the only ones with major machismo issues. This might pertain more to the generation of Iranian dudes above my own, but these are men whose mothers did everything for them growing up. I'll be damned if I marry a guy who expects me to do all the cleaning and cooking. This seems to be the one area where "taarof" doesn't come into play for Iranian men. (I'm not a big fan of the Wiki definition here-- but Taarof is basically the act of taking turns insisting on doing something-- like "I'll pay the bill" followed by someone else saying "No, I'll pay the bill" Most of the time, you have no intention of paying the bill, but you offer just to be polite.)

8. The in-laws! Aside from my own parents (and some of my relatives) who are the exception to the rule, Iranian parents LOVE to get involved in their kid's relationships/marriages. There's not a whole lot of boundaries when it comes to Persian in-laws. You can't really fault them though. I mean, their parents picked who they got married to, so why shouldn't they at least have a say in what kind of house their kid buys or what kind of wedding they have or how they raise their grandkids?

7. Speaking of weddings...if I ended up with an Iranian guy, then chances are-- his family would be as big as my family. This wouldn't be a "my big fat" wedding kind of thing. It would be "my big morbidly obese in desperate need of gastric bypass" wedding. My brain's at capacity when it comes to memorizing
names of Iranian family members and remembering how I'm related to them.

6. I've always been attracted to artsy boys. Most Iranian men end up being plastic surgeons or lawyers. The musicians, writers, and painters were few and far between...which is odd considering how much good art comes out of Iran. Let the record show, I ended up with a researcher BUT he's really into art.

5. I moved to LA when I was twenty-five. I'm not down with Tehrangeles. You know, those guys who live in Beverly Hills in their parent's houses with columns and lots of marble that drive black BMWS and listen to trance. I'm talking to you, blind date guy.

4. Iranian guys don't like me! For starters, I don't look very Iranian. And I don't get dolled up often or wear a ton of make up. And I'm not a virgin. hahahaha. (Look, I said I would be making massive generalizations here.)

3. Have you seen Not Without My Daughter? Do I look like I want to marry a wife-beater? Totally kidding. That movie is super racist and we all hated Sally Field for years and years until Brothers & Sisters which basically could have been about a Persian family except for the fact that they were white and lived in Pasadena. Here's the real number three: I never ran in the Persian circle in high school or college. First of all, I think there were like two other Iranian people at my high school. In college, there was like Persian ski trips and things like that, but I never went on them. I did take a Farsi class for two years where I developed my first real crush on an Iranian guy. This guy looked like the Persian JFK Jr....but it never went anywhere and I couldn't even tell you what his name was. Probably because of reason #4. And reason #2 & #1, which I'll get to.

2. There was just way too big of a chance that I could have sex with an Iranian guy and THEN find out we were actually related.

1. The number one reason I never dated an Iranian guy was because of my brother and multitude of male Iranian cousins. When all the Iranian dudes you've surrounded yourself with growing up are guys you're related to, it's kind of hard to ever be sexually attracted to an Iranian guy. I just got a familial vibe from every Persian guy I was 99.9% sure I wasn't related to. Even though Persian JFK, Jr was objectively hot...picturing him naked would be like picturing one of my cousin's naked. And contrary to popular belief, this Iranian girl isn't into that.


  1. I love this :)

  2. Number 5...you forgot gilded gold everything. Swans especially.

  3. First off -- great post.

    A few things to save face for Iranians though: Imagine if the economy gets really fucked up here in America, so much so that anyone with enough money decides to leave for better opportunities to say, China. BUT, imagine if the only people who could afford to do so were the one's who lived in Beverly Hills. Think how skewed people's perception of Americans would be in China.

    I guess the point I'm trying to make is that for many of the things you listed it's more a class thing than it is a cultural thing. The vast majority of Iranians here are from families that were a part of the bourgeoisie in Iran. And L.A. being the city of glitz and glamor (aka lameness and materialism) only intensifies that, resulting in the cretins we know as "L.A.-Persians".

    I was talking to your little bro, and it's amazing how even those of us who don't fit the mold of the stereotypical, ex-patriot Iranian (and Sara, I think we could safely say that you and I don't) are nonetheless still tied down by so many of the same superficial concerns (albeit in less ostentatious ways). They're just values we've been exposed to coming from families with upper-middle class roots. The ridiculousness of our family getting dressed for family weddings is one example that comes to mind :)

  4. Here's another generalization about Persian guys you might want to consider if you ever make another list: DENIAL.

    There's a certain Persian who shall remain unnamed who takes it to the extreme, as in "The Holocaust never happened," and, "We have no homosexuals in Iran," but then there's the general denial of anything unpleasant/abusive/inappropriate that a Persian guy might do, most often identified by the cry "Nothing happened!!!"

    This cry can be shrieked after reaming someone, after making someone bleed, after being caught doing just about anything. Richard Pryor told that joke about his wife coming home to find him in bed with another woman, and saying to her, "Who are you going to believe? Me, or your lying eyes?" To a Persian guy, this is not so much a joke as good advice to file away for future use.

    DENIAL is closely related to another reason you might consider, which one might label, VICTIMIZATION AT ACCOUNTABILITY. This is when you catch a Persian guy in a lie and you ask him about it and he tries to make it go away by telling more lies, and when that's not successful he cries out in Persian Denial, and when that's not successful he says, "You are hurting me by saying these things to me!" It's like sitting next to someone you like at a dinner party, and after five minutes of staring at the spinach in their teeth you lean over and whisper, "You have spinach in your teeth." They excuse themselves and go to the restroom to remove it, and after the party they start screaming at you because you made them look at something unpleasant in the mirror. You're utterly speechless in response and can only think, "My God, I had no idea Farshid was such a nutcase . . . oh, wait -- he's Persian."

    1. holy crap, I think you need to send us an entire blow off post about this Farshid, clearly a persian guy has done you wrong and he deserves to be punished over the internet!

    2. Persian Denial, well-said. That's the most hateable thing about Iranian men!

  5. I'm stunned reading this stuff. I'm Indian and Persian men come on to me all the time. Persian Denial is something I thought only I was the victim of. I was really starting to think I was imagining everything until I read this page. The guy was out of his mind. Everything he did, you've nailed it. Except he became even worse. It was something out of a nightmare.

    I will never, ever date a Persian again. :(

    What a terrible, mind game playing, horrific, devastating four months that was.

  6. Love it! SO true! all of it! thanks for the awesome read :)